New to the list. I will post my story in a few days but wanted to put this question out there for anyone who might have insight. Sandi2, I put you in the title because from what I have read so far, your posts are amazing and your helpfulness is also.
Does a WAW have an AH HA moment or is it just a slow process of coming out of the "fog"? I know my W will never be the same one I married and that will be good and hopefully I wont be the same person either. Like everyone else, I would just like a chance to start over and do it right this time! I would give anything for my W to agree to a one or two day intensive with Michele since we live so close. For me money is no issue. I would pay any amount to be able to work on M and R together. It would be better than the $2400 we spent on the D Mediator.
I know that I can't buy my W's love and that is not what I'm saying. I just want to have the chance to work on the M and R. I know that she has to decide these things for herself. I just started the phone coaching with Chuck but since we are S and have less than 14 weeks before D is final I am a little nervous.
Thanks everyone,
Ken
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
I believe some do. For instance, I have a girlfriend who, although not married, left her very LTR for a new man who turned out to be scum (he knocked someone up while with her). Each time the subject of her LTR man comes up, there is not one conversation that goes by where she says she doesn't regret it every single day of her life.
I am sure some WAS have an Ah-ha moment, but I think they are rare. It took a long time for them to decided that the relationship was not working and D (or A) is the best option. It is sad that people have a hard time communicating with their partner.
Have your read "Puppy Dog Tails" advise? Do a search on his posts. He has great insight on how to "Shock" the WAS back to the reality of their choices.
If you can get in to see Michele, that would be great. I had a one day session with MsR2C before we D. Search my post for a the way I proposed it to my W and then modify to propose it to your W.
I would like to strongly suggest that you validate your W. You do not have to agree, but validate her. I am doing that with my kids with good results.
Validating by saying "I can see why you think I hate you, but I want you to know that I love you" is working with S9.
Roll this over to marriage issues:
"I can see why you want a D, but I see many other options"
"If D is the only way for you to be happy, I will not stand in your way"
One counter intuitive thing that I see work is to set the spouse free and let them go to OP. This is done using boundaries. "I will not share my wife with another man. If being with him will make you happy, then I will file for divorce myself." My be a little to late in your case, but the idea is the same. DO NOT PURSUE YOUR W.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Don't forget the other end of the spectrum- sometimes the WAW is waiting for her LBH to have his "Ah-ha" moment...
Thanks SpyBunny. I believe that I had my Ah-ha moment last June when I discovered the EA/dating and W gave me another chance but "we are just incompatable". WAW has been planning this for eight years so it will be a very thick wall around her heart to bring down.
I am DBing and trying to detach and GD and GAL and hopefully she will see something that she likes in the new me.
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Have your read "Puppy Dog Tails" advise? Do a search on his posts. He has great insight on how to "Shock" the WAS back to the reality of their choices.
If you can get in to see Michele, that would be great. I had a one day session with MsR2C before we D. Search my post for a the way I proposed it to my W and then modify to propose it to your W.
Thanks Ready2Change!
I would love to find these posts but I'm having a hard time figuring out how to do that. The search only lets you go back 6 months. Is there an easy way to find both of these posts?
I appreciate your insight,
Ken
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Thanks. Ready2Change mentioned above about you "Shocking" your WAS but I'm not sure how to find it. Can you give me a pointer to it or repeat it here?
Thanks again,
Ken
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Don't forget the other end of the spectrum- sometimes the WAW is waiting for her LBH to have his "Ah-ha" moment...
As a soon-to-be walk away husband I have so many walls built up that while I'm sure there will be an a-ha moment for my wife, I know it won't change anything.
I'm so angry at her that once I get her out of my life and minimize the damage to the kids that I will never take her back. I will never get over this.
That's sad, I know, but I'm being realistic. I will never believe anything she says. I will never trust or love completely again.
Just the way it goes.
M:40 W:40 2 teenagers ILYBNILWY: 09 January 2010 soon to be walking away my situation
