When I first came to this board I was so excited to finally see information that had things in numbers. I read them but I didn't fully implant them in my mind. I've read the six stages of MLC and I've written the numbers down of how long each stage takes. And then I've done it again and again. Sometimes it helps me and sometimes it doesn't. But I've come up with a different one that helps me. It's much LONGER version.
How long does the MLC take? Depends on whether you are talking transition or crisis. My answer is based on reading, watching, personal experience and sometimes just guessing.
The MLC Transition can take a decade or longer. (That came from a book but I don't remember which one.) Much like that of a person transitioning from age 12 to 21. The decade of a teenager is filled with love, fun, pain and a lot of growing. But we (the adults) manage to love the person going through the transition MOST of the time.
I've raised three teens of my own and they all had to get from age 12 to age 21 (one isn't 21 yet but they will make it). They were all different but they all were similar. One of them loved me one day and hated me the next all the way through (roller coaster), one of them was kind of indifferent, and one of them hated me and yelled at me from about age 15 - 16 and has since taken their time starting to treat me like a human being again. But through it all I loved them and I didn't give up on them.
The MLC Crisis can take 3-5 years. (It's not a typo. That is three to five years.) I compare it to the ages of somewhere between 14 to 18, they either hate us or they don't. And some of them move out of the house just as soon as they can so they can get away from us...but they come back from time to time. And still - we love them. And yes it hurts but we still love them and believe/know that they will grow up and love us again.
Hmmm, sound familiar? (Bet you can't tell whether I'm talking about my kids or my spouse.) Regardless of whether it's your own teenager going through the ages of 12 - 21 or your own spouse going through the ages of 12 - 21 AGAIN the lessons are the same for all. The pain, the growing up, and the love. But few of us walk away from the teenager. And none of us would want to be a teenager again if we didn't have to.
We read over and over again how the MLCer is going through their teen age years again. If we believe that why do so many of us expect the MLC to be shorter in time? Why do I see so many wanting to walk away around the 2 year mark (including myself)?
I want to encourage you not to give up at the 2 or 3 year mark but to continue to hang in there. I know from experience that giving up at the 2 or 3 year period is just too soon to give up. You need to give it more time if you want to save your marriage/relationship.
There are a few things that we need to remember as LBS, that so many of us forget...
When we come here, most of us, are very new from the bomb, and we grasp at time lines like they are a life raft...
And they are, for a while. IF I can just make it through 6 months, or a year...
The problem with all of it is that there really is no timeline. I have read some articles about MLC that say 3-5 years, others that say up to 7, I even have read a few MLC stories that the people say their crisis lasted over 20 years.
So throw the timeline out of the window. It means very little.
Also, looking at it in terms of a relived adolesence, while that is basically what it is, is difficult because we all someone who is a "Peter Pan". Someone who NEVER grew up. When our dear Spouses begin this journey, we never know which of them will leave Never Land and return to join us.
Additionally, with teenagers, there comes a point, regardless of their behavior, that you have to fully cut the cord. That usually happens about 2-3 years (age 16-17), into their transition. You are there for super major stuff, maybe you have a conversation or two with them about things, but basically, they are just renting space in your home and heart, while they learn how to become adults. Finding their independence and that is a normal stage to growing up.
During this time your focus shifts, either onto younger children if you have them, or onto your own life and happiness. Because they don't need you as much anymore.
That is why it seems like many LBS "quit" on their MLC S.
But living your life, making it what it is, because you have no idea what your R will look like down the road with your MLCer, is not quitting necessarily. It is just finally taking charge of your own life. I feel that it is a normal part of life.
And I do have to wonder, who said moving on with your life said that means you stop loving your S? Just because you do not live with someone anymore does not mean the love has died or ended. Maybe what it looks like has changed but...
JMO.
Anyone else have thoughts?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
they are just renting space in your home and heart, while they learn how to become adults.
Cat, it doesn't get any better when they go to college. LOL They just aren't in your house anymore. And now I have a almost two college grads. They are grown up, but they never stop being your children!
The timeline for MLC, even HeartBlessing admits that it is all wrong. It was just a guide, maybe wrong but just a guide.
I'm not sure that the teenage analogy actually fits a MLCer. Your children will always be your children. No way to change that. Your spouse however does not have that qualification. Your children do not have the ability to betray you as deeply as your spouse. Your children will actually grow up to understand that the things you did were for them.
Why do people quit two years into this? Maybe that's how long it takes for the love bond to be truly destroyed.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
When I first came here looking for answers and I found the timeline, I thought for sure my H would be different or at least on the shorter end of the timeline. Tomorrow will be the 3 year anniversary of the bomb however I know my H's crisis started at least a year before. So, he is at least 4 years in and showing signs of coming out it. If he is coming out of it, that is wonderful for him and our M however, I am trying to remember the hard lesson that I have learned here and that is to live my life regardless of what my H does or doesn't do. Life is too short to be sitting around waiting for my H to make it through the tunnel and into acceptance. Trying to figure out where someone is at in their MLC is like watching a pot of water waiting for it to boil and you don't even know if the burner is turned on. Yes, the stages are helpful just so we can know what they are going through and really that is it. Everyone is situation is different so it their timetable.
I'm not sure that the teenage analogy actually fits a MLCer. Your children will always be your children. No way to change that. Your spouse however does not have that qualification. Your children do not have the ability to betray you as deeply as your spouse. Your children will actually grow up to understand that the things you did were for them.
While I would love to believe this I have actually watched my step siblings betray their father in ways that are unimaginable.
Yes, one of them has finally learned and realized what SF tried to do for her, however it took over 20 years.
Does he still love her, absolutly, he still loves all of them, but...
Quote:
Why do people quit two years into this? Maybe that's how long it takes for the love bond to be truly destroyed.
True and real love never dies.
Do you stop loving someone because they have passed away and have gone to Heaven (or where ever you believe they go)?
It just changes how it looks.
I think if your love for someone has died or been destroyed or turned into hate, there may be some more mirror work to be done...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Where do I even find this 6 stages of MLC list? I realize it may or may not be accurate for each sitch, but I'd like to just take a look at it for informational purposes. Thx.
Cat, Maybe your right and true love never dies. I do still love my W but am discussed with her behavior. I've also realized that having her in my life in any fashion at this point is suicidal.
Guess what I'm saying is the bond between us has been shattered and I can't let it be repaired for the sake of my own life. Maybe that's a fault in me. Maybe I'm just a week person but the constant minds games have tasked me beyond what I can take.
Yes I love my W. But I love myself and my kids more.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
I wrote this many years ago; and find that although there is a disclaimer at the top; somehow that gets skipped, LOL!!
All it was ever intended to do was to provide a deeper understanding of the stages of MLC; the timelines weren't accurate, and I've stated many times the timeline wasn't accurate; even when I wrote it.
Each person is different, as each MLC is different. My own didn't even run anywhere near those timelines, and mine lasted SIX YEARS, scaring my husband half to death. I laugh now, thinking about it; poetic justice..husband goes through MLC..then wife follows suit! I can guarantee you he felt what I'd felt, and though I didn't make the mistakes he made, I STILL had to go through and come out.
As far as hurting, no matter how long it takes; I would heartily agree with that assessment, but, on the other hand, somewhere along the line, the growing must begin and the healing must also begin; leaving the pain and the hurt behind...and that's on a different timetable for each individual.
There's also pain that occurs within the MLC'er going through, believe me, I've been there, too.
The first step toward healing is ACCEPTANCE...accepting that this has happened, somehow integrating the events into your lives, and beginning to heal...it may occur in stages; or at the end...again each person is different in their time within their own journeys.
Staying stuck in the past, guarantees you'll have no future; so in order to go forward; you must grow, become stronger, learn, accept and heal.
This is how I feel about the whole thing; I've been where you are, came through, and came out on the other side; becoming whole and changed for the rest of my life...and if I can do this, so can all of you.
The fact that my marriage made it through doesn't make any difference in what I faced as an individual on a journey toward wholeness; each person must complete their journey, regardless of whether the marriage comes through or not.
We each face this journey alone; without anyone but GOD to see us through; and we find that we CAN go on with our lives in spite of all that happens or breaks down.
Just as we find the strength to go on when we lose our loved ones, we'll find that SAME type of strength to see us through the most terrible of life's storms.
In that process..... We learn to grow, we learn to love, we learn to connect; we learn compassion...and the list continues. But most of all, we learn about OURSELVES, where WE made mistakes in our lives, where WE must change, where WE must learn many other things that make up what we will and will not tolerate. We gain serenity, strength, patience, love, and so many other tools that carry us through the rest of our lives.
We pass on that learning to others; as we weren't meant to keep it all to ourselves; helping other people who come after us.
And as we help others, that also helps the healing process.
Much love to you all, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I can guarantee you he felt what I'd felt, and though I didn't make the mistakes he made, I STILL had to go through and come out.