Game Point

[TeleDad]

Had a conversation with S18 last night - it was the first time I had a chance to talk to him since I heard W told him she was moving out. Conversation went like this:

TDR: Mom told you she rented a place and is moving out?
S18: Yes.
TDR: This isn't what I want - it was her decision. I thought there were other things we could do to work on our marriage before this happened but she isn't interested.
S18: How can you afford 2 houses?
TDR: We can't really, but I am going to hang on to our house as long as I can.
S18: Then why can't you tell her she can't go?
TDR: She is an adult and can do what she wants.
S18: Then she should pay for it.
TDR: We are sorting that out now - I think she should work more to help pay for all this and she wants to be home for you guys.

TDR: As far as where you would live, you are 18 and can decide to stay wherever you want, and even D16 might be able to do the same

S18: I am not going to be moving my stuff back and forth so I am staying here.

TDR: but S12 and S11 have to go every other week to each house

S18: Why?

TDR: It is something that is court ordered and not up to them.

Just reading your sit. for the first time. My WAW will be moving out soon and seeing that you had this conversation is showing me what I have to look forward to. S-17 will probably respond likewise. D-14 is an unknown.

I like the fact your S-18 has decided to stay. No rewarding WAW - if she is going to leave then she has to live with the consequences!

Hang in there!

[tryingtilDorR]

I am not sure what my D16's options are legally when it comes to child care schedule, but I would think as parents we would allow her to be where she wants and not force her into the week on/week off schedule. I am going to visit my IC (whom I haven't seen in a few months) to talk about this from a non-legal standpoint.

As far as S18, there really isn't any room for him at W's place anyway. It is townhome-type detatched home with 3 small bedrooms. S12 and S11 will likely share a room and she will set up a room for D16 so no room for S18 anyway. He will be attending community college here in town next fall anyway, so he will be at home for a couple more years.

[tryingtilDorR]

W still hasn't moved out, but has been puttering around at the new place bringing some small things over, etc. She seems kind of moody these days and has wild mood fluctuations. One minute she seems OK, and the next she is nasty. I am avoiding her. I am looking forward to her being gone more and more.

I had a chance to talk to D16 yesterday about it. W had already told her she rented a place. Here are some of her comments:

"How can we afford to have both houses?" (Same question S18 asked - first concern they had was about $$$)

"Mom says that the most important thing is us kids, but if that were true she wouldn't be moving out" (Wise girl - she said this without my prompting)

Actually she seemed pretty calm about the whole thing so I was relieved for that. According to W D16 had told her that "we needed to be apart" but she didn't say that to me - probably because I told her that this is not what I want and that I thought there were other choices for her mother and I that could have been made, etc.

Now, on to other topics. I have suddenly become interested in meeting new people (yes, date). Why? I am not sure. Six months ago the prospect was unfathomable, because nobody I would date would be my W! I am now realizing there are a lot of great people out there, and if my W is moving out to be with OM I shouldn't feel guilty about trying to meet some new people (not for sex or to get married, but just to expand my circle of opposite-sex friends??).

It is like a switch flipped for me on this subject suddenly. Maybe it will flip back at some point, but I find myself VERY interested in getting out there all of the sudden.

I know what all of the counter-advice is on this topic - wait x amount of time depending upon how long the M was, etc. However, when I think about my situation, I have technically been separated for 18 months already (since OM showed up and W declared M over). Maybe that counts towards time that you should invest before dating others? I am just talking about female companionship for now and seeing what's out there - because it seems like there is a lot out there. Maybe I will find out that this isn't the case as much as I think, but who knows.

[pigskin]

I know how you feel. I would love to just date, but I worry about the rebound effect and getting attached to someone solely because I'm lonely for female companionship.

I don't know if I could handle it. I could see myself going head over heels for the first person that came along. And that would cause serious complications for my ultimate goal, which is reconciliation.

Maybe a group outing, but not a one-on-one date. At least not until I am divorced.

[tryingtilDorR]

It is funny but I would have been afraid of the same thing, but I am really feeling like I just want to experience new people after the past 2 years of torture with my W. I think the exposure to other people would bring quite a bit of perspective to my situation for me.

Not sure if I will act on this or not, but have just been considering it. First thing is to manage through the transition of W moving out.

The fact that I am looking forward to W moving out is a good sign for me personally I realize. I would have been mortally afraid several months back.

[pigskin]

The fact that I am looking forward to W moving out is a good sign for me personally I realize. I would have been mortally afraid several months back.

This IS a good thing. It will keep you in the proper detached DB mindset. Plus it will be good for your wife to see it too. When you are not holding her back or chasing after her, it may have the desired effect of her wanting what she can't have. Plus it will remove what she probably sees as her "safety net" if her fantasy life proves to be something otherwise, creating more risk for her decision.

She seems wobbly in her conviction (especially with lame excuses for not leaving like there being no furniture) so the more risk she sees, the better.

[tryingtilDorR]

I had to leave town 2 days ago. I am feeling very detached nowadays. I barely think about W when I am not around her and don't look forward to being in her presence.

She was acting real moody and withdrawn over the weekend, making snide comments about various things. I just kept up my 'don't care' attitude and enjoyed the weekend!

She spends time at her new place at odd hours, like later in the evenings.

I have received some interested from an OW I just met. She knows W has rented her own place and is moving out and wants to get together to talk. I am going to do it - she is quite a bit younger than me (9 years) and has been divorced herself and has kids. It will be good to meet someone new. I wouldn't call it dating, just meeting a new friend for now.

[tryingtilDorR]

I have been communicating with OW now all week and she is interested in getting together and seems interested in being more than 'friends' immediately. She lives in the next town over so it is hard to get together without some planning. I am finding it invigorating to meet someone new, but at the same time I am leery about someone that is this interested in me this fast. I was mainly looking for friendship and not much more for now so we'll see.

So it seems like there is a chicken-and-egg situation here. I felt detached enough to meet someone new, but then again meeting someone new allows me to detach even more it seems. Even if it doesn't end up being a romantic relationship, the connection with someone else that I find intriguing makes me not want to be around W. I guess I am starting to see what WAW was going through when she was having an EA?

I think W has been meeting with OM at her new place. She still hasn't moved or expressed any concrete plan to do so, but it is definitely in the works.

She has been quiet but irritable and seems to have a short temper. I was out of town Sun-Wed and she and I didn't have any communication, but all day Sunday she was acting strange and going off to private places to send text messages. She had to leave before I left for the airport and didn't say a word (not that I cared, but usually she at least says bye-have a good trip, etc). It is just something I noted after she was acting strange during the day.

When I got home I noticed that on Sunday night she was looking up "side effects of Xanax" on the computer. OM had given her Xanax a long time ago and I had proven that she had taken them on occasion and in particular one night when she was trying to meet him about a year ago (it was the day I proved the EA - I got a bonus and proved that she was trying to meet him as well that evening).

I am wondering if she and OM hooked up Sunday and she was taking them to 'relax'. I have heard that these pills can be addicting. OM has access to them for whatever reason - I think he uses other drugs too like painkillers quite liberally.

It will be nice when she is out of the house for me but as I stated earlier not for my kids, and probably not for her - I think she is taking step along a very dark path for herself and so do others close to her.

[pigskin]

Your OW will definitely affect how you view your W. In a sense, it is you having an "affair" and being affected by the attention being shown you. I noticed that myself when I went out in a group with a girl I was attracted to. I found myself thinking about her a lot the next day and almost being repulsed when thoughts of my W came up. So yeah, you get to see things how the WAW sees them; that may be helpful.

A little disconcerting that your OW wants to move so quickly - you are pretty vulnerable right now. Getting into a relationship with another woman will create additional complexity in your situation. That may be OK if you have little to no hope of turning it around, but just something to be aware of.

[tryingtilDorR]

I hear you. I am not interested in getting into a real romantic relationship with someone right now. Things are too complicated. I feel like I am emotionally detached enough from W but my life is 'messy'. W still needs to move out, there will be major adjustments for my children, and this woman lives in the next town over. The fact that she is a little far away helps to keep things at a certain pace given how busy I am right now.

In order to measure my level of emotional detachment, I just consider the fact that I am looking forward to W being gone and almost don't care anymore about what she is doing with OM as a sign that I could be ready for 'dating'. She has treated me like dirt for 18 months, flaunted an OM in my face for the most part, etc etc. It was bound to happen eventually I figure.

However, I am starting to worry a little about my W. She seemed incredibly irritable yesterday and even more so today. We had a misunderstanding about money, and it had to do with paying the first/last months' rent on her rental. I mistakenly thought she planned to 'pay back' some more of the money when she got her check, and so I had transferred it (we have separate accounts but they are linked). Just take my word that there was communication that happened that led me to believe that she intended to pay back some of the money when she got paid.

She just noticed this and went absolutely ballistic. I told her I was sorry and I didn't realize she didn't want me to do that, but I assumed she would be providing more based upon our conversation. She claims that she explicitly told me to NOT do this, which is crazy (I would have remembered that). She said something like: "I don't have the money right now and I have other bills to pay over there and have to get furniture for that G** D*** PLACE!"

I told her maybe she should open up her own account but she was screaming and yelling so much about this whole thing like I haven't heard in a long time - it was nuts. Just a simple misunderstanding.

Anyway, the content of the argument probably doesn't matter, but I am getting concerned about her mental state. She seem REALLY wacky. The info I picked up about her looking up XANAX side effects (irritability, on top of her possible clinical depression) caught my attention as well.

This morning we needed to call a plumber and I was headed to work and she is off, and she said that she didn't feel like hanging around all day to wait for a plumber, and I asked her why since we needed this fixed before the weekend and she said "I don't feel like hanging around this G** D*** PLACE all day" Again, the profanity is out of character for her and particularly irritable.

I think it was SmileyPerson who called this the BatS*** Crazy thing?

I think OM is big in her life now that she has a place to hook up with him and the stress of all that, having to figure out how to move out, tell her kids, plus any effects of mind-altering drugs she might be taking (XANAX from OM) are causing a meltdown of some sorts. I am going to watch her closely this weekend assuming she is around.

I am detached and trying to enjoy life!