Am I stupid?

[Wildaces81]

My wife says she isn't in love with me anymore. That she doesn't want to work on our marriage because she doesn't have the energy. And there is also OM in her life now that she feels like she is "falling" for him. Am I retarded to want to keep trying not just because of me but because I don't want my kids to grow up in a divorced family.

She has moved out and for the life of me I know she is going to be spending a lot of time with this OM. It worries me because if they do become serious and she does move in with this guy I feel like she is going to take my kids because she is now on her own two feet(even though she isn't because she is now dependent on this OM) I don't know why but her and the OM doesn't bother me (as much as it did) I just want to be able to move on with out the worry of her coming to the house and packing up my kids and now me becoming a weekend dad.

I have completely stopped talking about her R with the OM in fact I noticed once i resolved to do it my stomach isn't in knots anymore.

Anyone with advice? Do I keep my hopes up? Or do I just let it go? Is it possible to keep my hopes up and work on me at the same time?

[dday101798]

Hi Wildaces,

I'm not going hunt around the boards to where else you may have posted your sitch, so I'll just answer you here and hope you double back and see it.

First, thses forums here are for WAS' to support each other since the rest of the board is for folks like yourself, the LBS. But if you have a question of a WAS (or former) you can certainly try and shout it out here.

That said........

Oh brother, is what you posted shades of my life in August of '08. My W did the same, gave up on the M, OM came along and was the greatest thing since minute rice, moved into her dad's place, with OM , and had me fearing for the kids.

We started off initially "splitting" our two sons by verbal agreement. And here's where things get tricky. I too, was not very upset about her being with OM per sae, but soon things boiled on the topic for various reasons mainly to do with the kids.

And here is where my warning starts to you.

Not too soon into things, my elder son then 11 who is special needs, latched on to OM. OM became his male role model in life and soon there after, was encouraged by now (x)W to call him "dad". This began to boil my blood and things deteriorated between (x)W and I to the brink of what you fear, (x)W would snatch up both kids at her lesure (s/p) and I often wouldn't see them for days straining my relationship with my sons at the most trying time in their lifes.

My hatred of OM consumed me for taking my place. Getting tired of coming home to an empty house, missing holidays, and (x)W not only taking the kids but important documents from the house at random, I tried everything I could to stop it. However, as I'm sure you may know by now, there's nothing you can do, until the D and parenting agreements, she can take them whenever she wants. Finally after a physcial attack on me (don't laugh, hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn, let alone one in WAW mode) I drew the final straw and filed an order of protection barring her from the house, and un-intentionally the kids.

Long story short, her answer to that was to push the D, demoralize me to all her friends and family and turn me into your fear, a 72 hour a month "parent" June of '09.

Now, here's your hope.

After all the fight I put up. After all the "I just care about OUR kids, you can have OM" conversations I had with her, and after 9 long months of her waking up to our kids just wanting to have 24 hour access to their father as any child would and resenting her for taking that away, (x)W "came to". She realized I had my faults that I did not contest in our M, but what she had done was just so wrong. OM was not the answer. OM was not, is not and will never amount to what to growing boys need most, their father. And most of all, that I had professed to her I knew my faults in our M, and recognized hers, accepted and forgave them. And what got her most, was the fact that I only had those 72 hours a month, but I used every minute of them to be the best dad I possibly could.

And here we are today, putting our lives back together as a family.

Will your sitch turn out the same? Only time will tell. Time, is a key thing to all this. No, time IS the key thing to all this.

I'm certain there are some skeltons in your closet that pushed your W to do this, no?

Deal with those. Forgive yourself for those so that you can begin the long process that takes TIME to forgive your W and accept why she has chosen the path she is on now.

In the interim where the kids are concerned, if you truly fear she may just up and take them, SEEK LEGAL COUNCIL NOW, don't second guess it, DO IT. Establish a enforceable LEGAL, written parenting agreement right now.

Other than that, you can't "let it go", but you can let her go. Focus your TIME on you and the TIME you have with your kids.

Let go of hope. All you can really hope for is that one day this will all seem like a bad dream. Until then, until you can wake up from this nightmare, protect youself and protect your kids.

Sorry if that's long winded.

[Wildaces81]

dday

Wow, thank you for your honesty and well the punch to the gut. I need it a lot more than I do get from my family and friends. You asked me if I had skeletons in my closet to push her to do this. In all honesty the worst thing I didn't do was get her help when she became addicted to pain killers. I have the unfortunate job of working graves and also not getting weekends off. If that is a good reason to leave well then I guess jokes on me.

[dday101798]

Sorry if it felt like a "punch in the gut", but, yes, I can be brutaly honest at times and where the phrase is to swing a 2x4 here, when I see someone going through what I did, I swin ga 4x4.

Bottom line is, you say OM doesn't get to you NOW, but I assure, the more he meddles inbetween you and your children, it will consume you, and it will drive you to points you never imagined yourself in.

I have the unfortunate job of working graves and also not getting weekends off.

That is a valid "reason" for her walking, desolation. Albeit unintentioinal, a reason none the less. Let me ask this: When I did the same years ago, worked rotating shifts, overnights and weekends, my (x)W was initially upset that we had no time together, hence, felt desolated. She asked me to take a day a shift off, but I couldn't as we were struggling to make ends meet and a lot of bills for our son's medical needs. This created our first batch of problems that plagued our marriage for another 8 years until it fell apart all together.

Does that at all sound familiar?

I'm certain there has to be other contributing factors on your behalf. Not blaming you, but the reality is, we all share a 50% blame in things. One of which is a common place in just about every single situation you'll ever find here: loss of communication.

The other things, in my sitch, took me a long time to realize. I was bound and determined when my (x)W left, that I did this wrong and I did that wrong and that was it. Honestly, almost 2 years later, I'm STILL realizing things I did wrong. Of course, having a second chance and not wanting to blow it, makes you walk a fine line not to fall into old habits.

Again, these things I'm still learning about myself, after all this TIME I'm still finding contributed to creating my WAW. Does that mean I have all the blame, heck no. Does it make what she did right? Oh hell no. But it does help make me understand, after all that TIME (about 2 years) I wasn't tending to my (x)W's needs: loss of her mother, loss of our daughter, financial responsibilities, kids, etc.. while I shut down on my own after she turned to her friends and the party life, I can understand, accept and forgive her for her choice. And commend her for now knowing it wasn't the right choice.

Still learning, with TIME.

[Wildaces81]

dday, The more I think about it yea I know I have made mistakes, but I don't know if they were so bad to make her find OM.

I know through our relationship, I started out as being confident and strong. As I went through college and didn't get a job in the field I wanted I started to loose that confidence. I was always worried about money and how much we had to the point of not spending any money on myself because I felt guilty for doing so. I know that I started to smother her and I did that because I felt like I was losing her. She came to me 8 months ago and told me that she felt like she was falling out of love with me. I told her that I don't want to split up and that we should go to counciling. Well we never did and I am in the situation I am in now because of it. I don't want to dwell on the past, I want to look to the future but it is hard when it seems like she doesn't give a damn about me or about my kids(only when it suits her and she is in front of them). I want to say F it and just pull away but I still want my wife. I still want us to work this out but how can it happen when she has OM poisoning her mind against me.

Her family wont talk to me. And I don't really want to talk to them but it is funny because my entire family asks her if she is ok. Offers to help her and listen to her. Just sucks ya know.

[dday101798]

Heh, on the family front, been there done that. My (x)W up and left me, cheated me and did so directly in front of our kids. And yet, I was the "bad guy". You have to remind yourself, that is not true, and eventually it will pan itself out. Now 3 months into reconcilling, I'm jsut starting to feel some warmth from her family.

Mine, the same, cared for her so much and wanted to help, but she mad3e her bed, and thus had to sleep in it.

All I can tell you is it sounds as if you have the PMA to make through the long haul. But in saying that, the long haul means time. There's that word again. Time for you to set yourself straight and time for your W to set herself straight. All you can do is 'lovingly detach' yourself and let it runs it's course. At the same time though, as I said, protect yourself and your kids at any moment you get an uneasy feeling for everyone's well being.

Sounds easy enough, but it's not. It will tear you apart from time to time, over and over. It's the nature of the beast. Is it right? No. And only you can decide how much you are willing to withstand.

[Wildaces81]

dday youre a smart cookie. Honestly the whole time thing IS painfully annoying. I guess being in "the fast food" world we all expect results right away. And I know that I need to just be patient. I know that if I start to make actual changes she might begin to realize that she is making a mistake. I want her back but I want her to want to be back. I'm just going to keep reading DB and I'm going to go get DR this weekend.

You've been a ton of help.

[dday101798]

dday youre a smart cookie.

Well, thanks, but I'm merely speaking from experience.

Again, you say you are going to make these changes and hope she takes note.

True, that is all in the scheme of things, but you NEED to ditch that hope portion, at least in the sense of your motives. IF you do, and you make those changes, and only for her to come back, I fear you may find yourself right back counting down to doomsday in no time at all, making those same mistakes that got you and your situation here in the first place.

Now, you want her back, understood, but you want her to want to be back: outstanding, THAT is the way to go about this. Might I suggest jotting that down and keep it somewhere to remind you, day in, day out, when things look bleak, THAT is how it should be. You are not goin gwant someone back who isn't sure or doesn't want to be there. Again, experience. I know my (x)W wants to be with me and no one else. And yes, we are reconcilling and all and over all doing great. But we still have those moments, hell just today that question the very fabric of everything actually working out. But in the end of conflict, it's the fact that she wants to be here, with me, that shines through and reminds her and I alike that we will get over the issue at hand.

[Wildaces81]

You are right, I want to make them for me. And I see now that I have started to double post. Hmmm didn't mean for that to happen but I guess I am going in the right direction. I want to make these changes for ME. I want to make sure that I make myself better so that I can stand on my own two feet if doomsday does come along. I want to be able to say I tried everything and can walk away with my head held high. But ultimately I want her to want to be back. Not just for me but for my kids. I think they deserve a whole family. Thank you for your advice and posting. It has helped a ton. And I will write it down and keep it in my pocket because I need to look at it alot.

[dday101798]

I want to be able to say I tried everything and can walk away with my head held high.

And that good sir, IS what prevails in the end, especially where kids are concerned.