"magic" never there.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

hey folks,

I have been on this site for quite some time and realize I should be in this forum. I thought my WAW was just unhappy with marriage been now know we have sexual issues.

After numerous talks about this and that I finally was told our problems was sexual. I know our lack of communication had led many problem and sex is the true issue.

W and I have never had a great sexual relationship. Now she is using this to persue divorce.

I admit we have issues and I am willing to work on R. I feel she is blaming me for all the problems. She believes the "Magic" never existed and we can't get back what we didn't have.
She is blaming me for the lack of intimacy but she has a lot to do with the problems.

She is having a difficult time forgiving me. I told her she needs to forgive in order to move on in life, with or without me.

I would like to work on R with her but she still has her wall up.

How can I convince her in giving me another chance??

I really want to sex her up.

[Young at Heart]

I am not an expert, but most of the time sex problems are not the core issue, but rather a symptom of other relationship problems that are linked to a lack of great sex. You might want to explore the "divorce busting" concepts in the Newcomers or other sections of this website or even the Walk-Away-Wife section, as your comments indicate some really specific issues need to be worked on in your relationship.

I think that you said that you need to create magical sex to make her happy and feel loved. If it is just "sex" that needs to be magical, there are a few books, I would suggest. ....But again, it may be a lot more than just "sex."

EDITED - ADVERTISING is NOT ALLOWED. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.

I have read both of the above books and put some of the suggestions into practice. As with all books, some sections of each book are more worthwhile than others. Of the two books, I like the second one better. Another option that I have found to work wonders on my wife, is a plain book on reflexology. There is really nothing like a special half-hour foot massage to warm a woman up.

If you are not into reading, the Sinclair Institute has some pretty good DVD's on sex education. I would suggest their two volume, Great Sex for a Lifetime series or the single DVD, the Joy of Erotic Massage.

Then again if it is just "magical sex," you could probably Google "Tantra" and spend a year (or lifetime) exploring that topic.


Good luck to you.

[haphazard]

W and I have never had a great sexual relationship. Now she is using this to persue divorce.

If this is true and you were together 6 years before you married why did she marry you? Something tells me she may be rewriting history a little here.

As this is the SSM board people aren't too squeamish about hearing details - so it might help if you let us know what you mean by "never had a great sexual relationship". Are you talking quality or quantity or both?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Thanks for th reply HH

I'm refering to quantity. Looking back at our early years together we both lived with our Parents before we were married so our opportunities were limited to when we went away together.
She says when we did have the chance I didn't respond to her advancements. I'm not sure if that the case but that's her take on it. When we got married I remember wanting to ML on our honey moon, but I was turned down! Who goes on their honeymoon and doesn't have sex?
We has sex here and there but not as frequent as a married couple should.

I guess forn this point I was thinking maybe she had a bad sexual experience or possible was abused.

We do have 2 kids and once they came it seemed sex seemed to be gone.

Now I know we had issues in our M that led to our problems in bed. After reading many R books I realized she was making me feel shame through her interactions with me. She was pushing me away with her words and then she expected me to give love in return. I was shut down at that point.

So the cycle continued and nothing got better so she decided to leave.

I am now trying to work on M b/c I have learned so much and want to make it right. I still love her but see feels rejected and can't seem to get over that feeling.


Any advice on helping her feel wanted even though she is full of resentment?

[ssmguy]

Just some guesses. First, it's pretty common for women to lose interest in sex after a couple of kids. Hormonal changes, being worn down by the kids, lack of privacy, etc., can all take their toll. Also, some women don't respond as much to erotic touch after a long day of having kids hanging off of them all day long -- the feel completely "touched out".

Second, I'd always be wary of statements that try to rewrite past emotional experiences. Hindsight and a different current agenda can recast almost any previous experience in a different light. What might at one time have been experienced as a positive experience might be recast as "the magic was never there". Gee, I can't imagine getting married if there wasn't at least some magic.

No sex on the honeymoon is a little unusual, but not that rare either. For some people, there's a lot of pressure, as you know everybody in your family is expecting you to have sex, which for some people is NOT a sexy thought.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

After I started this post I had a talk with my W. She wanted to draw up a post marital agreement and we tlak about the R.
Some good some bad. She has mentioned a few time that I have a problem with sex. She felt it was her and tried to change things about her to make me more attracted to her.

I know she has done things to push me away but that night after our talk I was reading through some stitches and it dawned on me. The light bulb went on in my head!

My problem is that I have an anxiety disorder.

I can look back now and see how this was the root that led to many problems. It caused me to drink and then that led to more problems. W says I couldn't have sex without having a drink.

I can now see why she is frustrated with the situation.

I made an appointment to address my problem and can only hope she can find a way to give me another chance.

Now that I know the problem I can start to work on it.

[erynfaye]

Hi there, gr8, I was reading through this string and thought I would check in to see how your appointment went. Good for you for being proactive to seek solutions. On another note, I would highly recommend you pick up a copy of Michele's book, The Sex Starved Marriage as it speaks to the ramifications of misunderstandings couples may have when they approach their sex life. It sounds to me that both you and your wife have had times when you wanted to have sex, but the other said no. This book might shed some significant light on your situation and give you some specific actions to take which will be helpful.