Still In Limbo Land,Not Sure What To Do

[HHIF]

After almost 26 years of marriage(together 30)It's hard to believe that we are in this sitch.Separated for 6 months,her doing and then she filed for D after being apart 2 months.I found this site and DR and started DBIng my butt off.She put D on hold and asked me to move back home said she wanted to try to work on the marriage but no guarantee.I now know that the reasons she stopped the D was because of our kids and money.

Been back under the same roof for almost two years now and we live like roommates,physical contact is few and far between.She seems content on this type of marriage.She wears her ring every day,she comes home at night and doesn't run around or go out,we do things as a family but we do not do husband and wife things.

It's very confusing and frustrating,I am crazy about this lady but she seems to happy just being roommates.

She did tell me a while back that her feelings haven't changed from two years ago and if it wasn't for the kids that we would already be divorced.

We do not fight,she isn't nasty in any way,it's just weird.

I am currently sleeping on the couch but plan on moving back into the master bedroom,this will probably cause her to go to the couch,not sure.

I have stopped pursuing and saying I love you,which is hard for me.She has said that I was controlling and made her feel smothered.I think she is scared to open her heart to me because she is afraid of things going back the way the were and her feeling trapped or smothered again so she just keeps the wall up.

I do not want a D and do not plan on giving up on her,but at this point not really sure what to do.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Our advice is geared toward a spouse who is in a Mid Life Crisis...or just Life Crisis.

Check out the resources at the top of this board, and figure out if she is in a MLC.

Barring that...

What are you doing differntly to affect the outcome you want?

Are you the same person you were two years ago?

If so...

WHY? did you change? For the better?

You aren't the same guy she fell in love with...he kind of faded away.

[HHIF]

I do think she is in MLC,this all started in her early forties,her Mom and Grand Mother passed away,two of her best friends got divorced,she started talking about needing to find herself and needing space,was told by therapist that she never had a chance to find out who she was,we started dating when she was 15,married at nineteen.

I was a very insecure a jealous husband even though she gave me no reason to be.I would drive her crazy with questions about where she had been and what she had been doing etc.I don't know why I was like that,it's makes me sick now to think about some of the crap I put her through.

I have been forced by her actions to work on me and work on GAL and not focus so much on her and to understand about trust and I am that only one that I can or should control.

So I have backed off of her and given her space,I have backslid at times and written her notes about our marriage and about loving her and being here for her.

I just keep waiting for her to wake up and realize that we have allot more good between us than bad and we can work through this and be happy again but she just goes about her business,goes to work comes home and makes dinner we talk about kids and bills but not much else and she goes to bed.

Like I said she is not cruel,she invited my Mother over for dinner this weekend,we are all going to her Dad's 80th birthday Sunday,her and I go to church together on Sunday mornings.

Friendly but no more than that.

[forward]

Hmm. I agree w/Jack--what are you doing differently now?

And what do you think would make you more attractive?

[HHIF]

I'm not pursuing and not questioning and acting jealous or controlling.I'm working on doing my own thing more and become less dependent on her.
Before I never did anything on my own,no hobbies or hanging out with friends,she was the only one I really spent time with and when she wanted to do things like a girls night out it would bother me,now it doesn't because I am learning to be more independent and not clingy like I was before.I try to stay upbeat and have fun instead of sitting around and thinking about her all the time.

[Cadet]

I post this on a lot of peoples thread, You have been here a while so maybe you have already read all this but I give you the links anyway.


Have you read the resources?
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

This is the detach link:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go
1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!