Getting Ready For Divorce

[crushed_v95]

I am a male who just had his 40th birthday yesterday.

Got married in 1995 after something of a whirlwind romance. Wife has always had some problems. We had a bankruptcy in 1997 as a result of her credit card spending (not mine).

I have always been the pursuer in the relationship. Wife goes on vacation without me while I work.

Went through a period of serious depression last year after being laid off. I made plans to enroll in school, wife exploded, thought I should take another low-paying job instead.

The holidays were stressful. Just after New Years Day I got the "I'm not in love with you any longer" speech. Truth be told, I'm not in love with her any longer either. We have a 15 year old daughter (not biologically mine, though the daughter doesn't know) and a 13-year old son.

She plays this game often over the years, she expects me to grovel around begging. It came out over the course of our conversations that she had two credit cards about which I knew nothing, and has racked up 28,000 dollars in debt on them.

I know you all feel as though marriage should be saved, and in theory I agree, but I feel so totally drained from all her antics and I'm simply at the end of my rope. She has cheated (sexually and financially) has no respect for me. I have sent her flowers, worked myself to death for her in menial jobs, gave her daughter (the product of a one-night-stand before we were ever intimate) a father and have done the lion's share of housework and child-rearing.

I can not see living another year with this treacherous creature. Yes, I love her. She's the mother of my children. I always wanted to at least see our kids through college before separating, but I am so exhausted now that I'm literally contemplating suicide due to her endless depressing antics.

She is playing games as though she is divorcing me. She claimed to be filing in the first week of January. I told her I support her in this. Now she's having second thoughts. "I can't go through with it," etc. This is a script we have been through many times. I decided yesterday that I will go ahead and file in a couple of weeks.

I am going to divorce my wife. It breaks my heart, but I have nothing left to give to this marriage. I would rather leave her with everything (home, car, kids) and simply start over. I'll be happier. It's so terrible to say. It's almost criminal, but it's true. I have spent years giving my heart and soul to someone who (by her own admission) will never love me back.

My heart goes out to all the rest of you. I find it particularly interesting that I identify so much with the women who are usually on the receiving end of this type of relationship. I don't know how you all handle this. I am simply spent. I would rather be alone.

[Bridgestone]

but I am so exhausted now that I'm literally contemplating suicide

First & foremost find yourself some help to work through these thoughts.

There is much support here, but having support in real-life when you are having these level of thoughts of 'escaping' is crucial.

Please call your works Employee Assistance Program or your wifes and ask for an immediate appointment.

Please keep posting so we know things are progressing & can offer support & encouragment.

Things do get better..
Peace
Bridge

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Just based on what you've written to us, Crushed, I would agree that this marriage needs to end.

Whether or not a NEW marriage can rise from its ashes, remains to be seen. That's up to you, initially, and then ultimately up to the TWO of you, should you decide you want to try to build such a thing.

But clearly, as it has been, this is not healthy for you.

Puppy

[MrBond]

crushed,

Sorry that you find yourself here. I have one word for what she's doing - CONTROL. From what you've described, she's been controlling and manipulating the sitch for a while.

I would suggest that whether you decide to stay or go, detach. Go out and have fun for you. Show her that YOU have self-worth. Build up your courage and strength so that when your W says she wants a D, you can tell her "you know, you're right! This isn't working out for me. I'm going to get the life and person I deserve." And leave it at that.

Get your nuts back from your W's purse.

[crushed_v95]

Hey Bond:

That was basically my thought yesterday. The irony in all this is that it was the Divorce Remedy book which convinced me that I had to do for myself. I was seriously distraught at the idea that I'd be doing this same thing with this same woman 15 years from now. My birthday gift for turning 40 is the idea that I can start over and find some measure of happiness on my own.

She buys lingerie which she's never worn for me and leaves the receipts around (in the last ten years we've had sex about 25 times, total). She stays out late on Friday night, comes home drunk and stinking of whoever she spent her time with. The credit card statements have all been shredded... so that I can't see the details. She blames me for the fact that she had to spend the money. She's refinancing the house to pay them.

She spent our 15th anniversary "partying" while I watched the kids. She has told me over and over that she "will never change, will never be the type to stay home with me on weekends, will never love me..." etc.

I have so much respect for all of you (women and men both) who can put so much time and effort into your relationships. I also appreciate the non-judgmental responses. I would love to have a wife who cared at all about my feelings. In my situation, divorce is my only option. I suppose I'm the Walk-Away Husband, planning his escape.

Thanks for listening folks. I've cried a lot in the last month, not just for myself, but for many of you as well.

[Gnosis]

Things went a bit screwy... will repeat my post...

Well Crushed, I for one support you wholeheartedly in this endeavor. You need a new life.

Here's something that you have started to discover...

She is playing games as though she is divorcing me. She claimed to be filing in the first week of January. I told her I support her in this. Now she's having second thoughts. "I can't go through with it," etc. This is a script we have been through many times. I decided yesterday that I will go ahead and file in a couple of weeks.

Do you see the dynamic? Did you see the turnaround when you "supported" it? Expect a lot more of this as she tries to regain control of YOU. She has just had her mealticket yanked. Now sit and watch her pursue you.

I hope for your sake that you do not fall for her antics.

She buys lingerie which she's never worn for me and leaves the receipts around (in the last ten years we've had sex about 25 times, total). She stays out late on Friday night, comes home drunk and stinking of whoever she spent her time with.

Let me tell you something about yourself... something that you sure as heck don't seem to be aware of... YOU ARE STRONG! Much stronger than you realize... and probably too darned stubborn for your own good. Many men would have been completely destroyed long time ago with the above antics. You however survived ten years of it.

So don't come here telling us that you are weak and you have no strength because I scream BULLSHIRT! All you need is a break from this poisonous, caustic and toxic creature. Go and take it.

Don't give me this crap:

I would rather leave her with everything (home, car, kids) and simply start over

You fight for what is RIGHT or else all you're doing is further financing and funding her lascivious lifestyle. Heck NO!

I have so much respect for all of you (women and men both) who can put so much time and effort into your relationships.

Not as much respect as I have for you for putting up with this for over TEN YEARS!

I would love to have a wife who cared at all about my feelings. In my situation, divorce is my only option. I suppose I'm the Walk-Away Husband, planning his escape.

Then be the WAS!

You're going to be surprised with the results of what happens when you lay your boundaries and start ENFORCING THEM. I hope when that happens and you see her bat her eyelids that you will continue on the same path. Some relationships were never meant to be salvaged. Your W is seriously damaged. You can't fix her. What you can do is rediscover your self-respect, self-esteem and look forward to a new life.

[crushed_v95]

Hi Gnosis:

Thanks so much for your helpful advice. I stumbled upon the Divorce Remedy book at a public library, and actually started crying while reading it. Pathetic, I know. I can not handle the stress at home and often go see films, to the library, etc., rather than return home in the evenings.

Wife was pretending she was going to throw me out of the house. I told her it was my house too. She backed off and got very conciliatory and sweet, then switched back into nasty mode the next day. It's like she has multiple personalities.

I have *no* money at this point. The refi she is doing is something I support, since the debt she racked up (probably pursuing alcohol/gambling/men) last year would be half mine. We will have little or no equity left in our home when it is finished. She basically screwed her own children for 30K USD in the span of a year.

I am quietly switching my direct deposit and will approach an attorney when I'm able. We haven't spoken for three days, and while it's tense, I'm enjoying the relative peace of "going dark".

The DR book has been very helpful, but sad also. It describes couples who are willing to at least admit they might not be perfect. This is not my wife. Everything that happens is someone else's fault (mine, one of the kids, etc.).

You fight for what is RIGHT or else all you're doing is further financing and funding her lascivious lifestyle. Heck NO!

There is nothing I can do to help Ms. Crushed. Michelle's book taught me that. What is right, I have decided, is to show my children a father who will start over rather than be a doormat. It's going to take weeks of work, but I'm starting now, thanks to you folks.

I have read this forum for a few weeks now, as I mentioned before, pondering what I could do in an attempt to repair my relationship. I wish that I could go another five years (until youngest son is 18) but I just can't. The most meaningful part of the book was forgiving oneself when there's nothing left to give. That's basically where I am today.

Peace...

[mindfull]

Crushed -

Wow. I am so sorry that your W has acted this way. It's almost embarrassing to be classified as a W (and MOM) after reading that...

I support you, as well. I have a D18, S(almost 13) and S10. I'm living through one (in teen years), w/another one entering them. They will need you to stand up and BE their parent. Obviously, Mom isn't a great example now. TRUST ME ON THIS, they mirror the behaviors that benefit them at the time. They are NOT always, and sometimes, nearly EVER, positive!!

You sound like you're getting all of your ducks in a row.

Just sending a HUG!

[crushed_v95]

Hey Mindfull:

She was actually a very attentive, good mother (just a lousy wife) until about 18 months ago. Our daughter (again, not biologically mine) turned 14 and it may have triggered something in wife. Wife started going out more openly. She left condoms out in the open, brought home bottles of liquor, started flaunting things.

At this point I started isolating myself, just to get away from the reminders, and I believe that made it worse. I was out of work for a while, didn't talk to her, stayed in the guest bedroom 90% of the time.

Wife's mother was recently widowed and she also has a similar history as wife does, which makes me fear for D15's future if I leave. She's at an impressionable age.

D15 and S13 are both very confused at this point. I haven't spoken to nor been in the same room with wife since Sunday morning, when she berated me for Valentine's day and I left. She seems to be putting on a show of being giggly, taking late night phone calls (master bedroom is just below guest room, so I can hear muffled noises) and pretending she's going to put me into a shelter and move someone else in.

I should be clear on the fact that I'm not a perfect husband. I've never hit her or slept with other women, but for years I worked a lot of overtime (in hindsight I was trying to get away from the home situation) which probably made her feel neglected. I should also point out that she has never had an "affair" per se. From what I can tell, she's just into "hooking up" at the bar or the casino and having casual sexual contact with strangers. She has always preferred "one night stands" to relationships (see previous entries). Her changes recently make me suspect that there might be more than this presently, but I don't care enough to snoop and just hope to keep my sanity for a few more weeks until I can get enough money to vanish.

That's my story in a nutshell. It's a strange life.

[MrBond]

Right now it sounds like she's in a MLC. Have you read up on it?

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to change her path. Start living for yourself. It doesn't have to mean getting a D, but if your life starts turning out well, who knows? You might find someone else, your W might notice you, etc. No one knows.

Just take that step to live for yourself first and go from there.