crushed, what do you do after the A

[crushed_v95]

I was at home watching kids thinking she was having nights out with friends. I even encouraged her to get out with others, something she had not been doing.

I've done this too.

God, we're such fools.

[Wonderxtreme]

Hi pearharbr, Yes it sounds like OW has a pattern.

My SO wrote the goodbye email the day I found out, 2 months ago. OW keep trying to contact and call after that. Nothing the last couple weeks. Ya, I get the power thing, not there yet. Lots of thoughts about her, why her,etc. I know GAL will help with this, need to get on it. I feel so disconnected from my 'other' life since kids. I mean life has changed so much and I don't know how to do the balance, self-care and kids.

Funny, I never could relate to the Mom's on Oprah, prior to kids, who said they could not take time for self. I always understood self-care makes better parents. Now its me who has not taken care of myself.

Stupid night, had wine asked questions again. I don't drink much and I felt like I wanted to ask the questions that are the most hard for me. Why attracted to OW, questions about soul mate stuff, and other things I read in old emails. OW shares and than shuts down, angry with me for the questions. She feels like she never knows when they are coming. I don't know when they are coming.

[crushed_v95]

Hey Wonder:

OW shares and than shuts down, angry with me for the questions. She feels like she never knows when they are coming.

There's a part of the Divorce Remedy book that talks about exactly this. It made a lot of sense to me.

The book says there should be healing time set aside where no questions are asked or answered. This is time you both live in the present, build up your relationship as wives/women partners and fall in love again.

Then there should be time for questions, set aside separately, in which the unfaithful spouse is honest and apologetic and you are free to be upset/angry, demand apologies etc.

It's really a great book. Sometimes I wish my own spouse was interested in reconciling. I think this sort of program would go a long way toward healing the damage between us. I hope it helps you two.

Peace,

CV_95

[Wonderxtreme]

Thanks CV_95

I'm going to read DR, it's time. I like that idea of time to heal time for questions, maybe with a 'rule' I can stop myself.

OW went to AA meeting, she is very upset. It has been a hard week, ups and downs.

GAL, GAL, GAL

[pearlharbr]

Have you done the exercises in After the Affair? We set up a weekly meeting to go over the exercises and talk about any other R stuff that needed discussion. I think it helped that BF was still living in his own apt when we first started piecing. That way we were able to ease back into being a couple and each had our own space and time. Yes, I did still have plenty of outbursts when something would trigger me. BF was great about just letting it happen and understanding that he would have to deal with it for as long as it takes. I think there's something in NJF about this too.

Bottom line, yes, it would be ideal to keep all R talk to scheduled times now but your SO needs to be understanding that you're going to have unscheduled meltdowns too.

You're right on, self-care does make better parents. Remember that your kids are watching you and learning from your behavior all the time. Model for them what a healthy adult and parent should look like.

Make it a goal to do some GAL activity every day next week. Even if it's just taking a few minutes to listen to your favorite song it will show you that you can find the time and how much happier you are when you do.

[Wonderxtreme]

Thanks pearlharbr

Last night SO came back form AA meeting. We agreed to scheduled times to talk and not all the time. She acknowledged that I have been doing much better with listening and not questioning. Now I'm not going to ask questions this weekend, and I know I could have meltdowns.

I was reading some of your early post pearlharbr, and others. Up at 5am. So many similarities. So much to think about.
About 5 years ago I decided I wanted kids. I was single and decided I would parent on my own with help from family and friends.

Than I meet OW, I was on this path and slowly asked her to join me. She more romantic, asking me to marry her and such. Me never thought I would marry, but open to it possible in future. Maybe when legal. We have not done second parent adoption. In the eyes of the legal system I am the sole parent.

In fact, the last few months, just when the affair started I have felt ready to plan for long term. We started making long term plans for us as a family, combined bank accounts, power of health care and such. I ended up getting this stuff together to get done. She agreed but little action.

I have been clear since discovery of A that if we ended our relationship I would always support her relationship with the kids. But I'm not arranging 2nd parent adoption now. She is a amazing parent but no way am I sharing legal responsibility at this time.
Confusing a bit, need to talk with a lawyer again.

I want to work on this R but so angry, confused, hurt, did I say angry.

[pearlharbr]

Wonder, you might want to say hi to the people over in piecing. They know what you're going through right now and can help with the cycles of anger, sadness, confusion and hurt.

[Wonderxtreme]

Thanks, I have been reading over in piecing. I see its common lost of ups and downs. Big down right now, I hate my SO right now, just want her to move out. She seems depressed, tearful and overwhelmed. I'm tired of taking care of everyone else. Not good for anyone, I get it. Now to change behavior.

Going to take myself to the movies.

[crushed_v95]

Have a great day at the matinee!