Sandy, I have immense respect and admiration for you and all the advice you provide to people here. Although I’m not a regular poster, I’ve been following your advice to others and many times your advice to them has saved me from making another bone headed mistake. But I think I’m at a point that I haven’t seen yet. My sitch is outlined in the link in my sig. In general, here’s where I am at and am looking for advice on next steps.
3 ES’a in the last 2 years. Last one ended after I confronted her just about a year ago. 95% sure of no EA’s since. Last conversation about our M was in September when I asked about counseling. Nothing since.
I think I’m lovingly detached and I’ve dropped the rope. I follow your list of what not to do with a WAW. Also, based on advice from Coach, Greek, Mr Bond etc, I’ve tried different things to see if something else would work. I’ve tried limited pursuing, but backed off quickly. We are good room mates, but that’s about it.
I’ve written several letters to her, none of them I have sent. Just my venting. The last one though seemed good – maybe a good one to send. It talked about my being tired. Tired of being disrespected, unappreciated, ignored and trying things with no reaction. Tired of me being the only one doing anything about our marriage. Tired of being roommates. Tired of a year of giving her time and space with no follow-up on her part to what she agreed to do.
What are your thoughts on temperature checking? I would like her to go to counseling, like she suggested. You can probably get more from the details of my sitch. I would appreciate any suggestions.
Thanks for the convidence. I sure don't want to let you down.
From what I read in your thread, things seem to sound like it was doing much better. Is there any particular reason that you feel the need to send the letter you wrote? I understand why you feel those things you said in the letter, about being tired of everything. But unless there is something that you have not mentioned, I would encourage you to not give her the letter.
You have every right to be tired and to be discouraged that more progess has not traspired. But, if you can focus on the positive things that have happened, that should be uplifting to you.
So many LBH's have said how hard it is in piecing. As a AWAW, I can tell you that it took about two years for me to really get over having an EA. I don't usually tell people that b/c I'm afraid of discouraging them too much. However, sometimes men don't know that it can take that long. That was how long it took me having an on-line EA and I never met the man in real life. If it had been a man that I worked with or saw in person from time to time....there's no telling how long it would have taken.
You may have read where I said that my H was impatient with me in the beginning b/c he did not think that I was trying hard enough. He wanted to hear me say that I was willing to put "everything" into working at our M. At that particular time, it was all I could do just to "stay" in our M. So, I told him that I had to reach a place to be willing "to be willing"....and that took some doing.
I'm just saying that to let you know that your W may be doing a lot more than it appears. I'm not taking up for what she did, I'm just trying to explain. All the things that happened with the death of the loved ones and then her kids growing up and not feeling the need for her as much.....those things probably triggered the crises in her.
In my life, there was many years of a lot of crises happening, but mostly it was an unhappy MR that become so dead that I was like a zombie. That made me vulnerable. Something happened that made your W vulnerable, also. Do you know if she was the one that dumped the men in the EA's? There is something that she is looking for that has not satisfied her.
I would ordinarily think that she was seeking something emotionally from OM that you were not giving her, but in her case, there may be more to it since all the other things (like the deaths, etc.) I agree that she should see a C to help guide her through this, but it sure needs to be a pro-M C or they will tell her to do whatever it takes to make her happy.
The biggest problem I see in your stitch right now would be the fact that you are still roommates. If that continues for very long, then she becomes satisfied in that situation and it is not good. I read a post from a LBH who said that a man should tell his W that he will not take on the role of a room mate and that he expects her to act like a "wife" to him. I think that makes a lot of sense.
Being patient with her is one thing, but continuing to stay in this "state" might encourage her not to try and become sexual. What could you do that would encourage her? Have you tried the romantic charm? You said that you had pursued a little bit but then pulled back if it didn't work. Did you mean like that?
Did your W always seem to be more lower drive sexaully than you? It would be a very touchy subject, and not one you would want to jump on before some other things were discussed, but sometimes going to a good doctor and seeing about hormone replacement helps women a lot. However, if she resists seeing a C, then she might not want to see a doctor either. Some women resent their H's saying anything b/c they think they just want something to fix them to desire sex. (But it does! That is why it's so sad whenever a W won't go see about it.)
I don't think I've been very helpful or answered your questions. I'll try to get back with you later. In the meantime, try to think how you could inject some romantic things without over-kill. Just a few romantic baby-steps. If she does not respond in a positive way.....then that's not a good sign. I would think that after a year of no EA, she should be ready to give a little response, at least. But like I said, don't expect too much b/c it does take a long time.
Sorry if I wasn't very encouraging. I think you've done really good and your thread sounded positive to me. I know it's not fast enough for you. Let me hear from you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, Thanks for your response. I appreciate it. You hit many things right on the head. I am seeing many little things that show progress. That was one of the reasons for my trepidation of wanting to send the letter in the first place. But looking back at several responses from many others here... they had commented about creating a "crisis" to shock a WAW into action. I saw the letter as a possiblity of creating the crisis; to let her know that I am not just going to settle for being a room mate any more. Maybe that's all I need to say - stop the talk about being tired, but let her know that I am not comfortable being roommates.
I am concerned, like you, that continuing to stay in the state we are in (as roommates) will encourage her to not try to go to counseling or do anything.
I'm not sure where to go from here. I've tried some romantic things - nothing recently - but with the responses that I received to Christmas and Valentines day gifts (none from me, but she has to know I was the one who bought them), I'm not sure what she thought of them. I think in some cases I was taking your advice too literally - stop the pursuing, all pursuing. So I do "acts of service" and try to spend "quality time" with her, but maybe I need to focus on "gifts" now.
Interesting question on the sex drive. It was lower than mine, except for a short period between EA2 and EA3. FYI - I did not recognize EA2 until recently, but now realize it did exist. EA2 began about the same time her sex drive increased substantially (Sep 08). I mentioned that phase in my previous thread. The higher sex drive lasted through EA2. It looks like she ended EA2 in Oct 08 - but the sex drive was still high. EA3 began late December 08 - with same guy as EA2. Sex drive went to 0 in January. The last time we ML was December 08, the last time we had sex was Jan 09. EA3 lasted until May 09 (I confronted her in April about it). She ended all three EA's, EA2 on her own, EA1 and EA3 after I confronted her. I do not believe an EA exists today.
I'm not sure what was missing - I know I was not there for her completely while she was losing her parents. I have apologized for that. But she has not been able to articulate what it was that made her feel they way she did. All I've gotten is the George Costanza "it's not you, it's me" message. She says it was nothing that I did or didn't do. Deep down I belive her - she doesn't know why or how. She just knows there is no feeling for me.
I'm willing to be more patient. You mentioned several times about WAW testing their H. I'm also testing her. My birthday is coming up. I have 0 expectations from her. Anything above that would be great. But I do see it as a test. A test about what she feels for me, at this point. If I get nothing, I will be disapointed - mostly because it will represent no progress. Even roommates buy birthday gifts for each other. Any gifts I receive will show the amount of thought that went into it - whether thoughtful or last minute.
I know she's been through many crisis'. One friend said I should toss her out. I know I need to be patient. I really just need to know the best way to let her know that, even though I'm willing to wait for a while, I won't wait forever. That's what I'm struggling with - how, when and if I should state that to a AWAW. Or maybe just be quiet and appreciate the little things I see every day. And start to be a bit more romantic.
I'm doing good, thanks Sandi. Sorry I didn't post earlier, I was kind of waiting to hear back from you first. Wondering if you had any additional comments from my last post.
One interesting development last week, coinciding with my post. Cell phone bill came, so did my normal "trust but verify" thing to see if there had been any contact with OM. Sure enough, a series of text messages and a quick call between the two of them. Interesting that after this contact, she seemed to open up to me a bit more, engaging me more in conversation, etc. No further contact from OM since. We seem to be gettting better each week - still no physical touching though.
My Birthday was good, spent time with some friends watching playoffs in both hockey and basketball. I did get a gift and card from the kids, but also made sure I thanked W for the gifts, knowing she did all the shopping. Nothing specifically from her, though.
She is leaving this weekend for a sisters weekend. In the vein of trying some more romance, I'm planning on doing two things. First, I'm going to send flowers to the hotel telling her to have a good weekend. Second, I will be getting a new treadmill for us and setting it up while she is gone. We both use the current treadmill, but she has been complaining about it for the past month or so, even commenting about buying a friends used one. So a surprise when she gets home.
So still being patient, watching and listening and wondering what I can do to break through the fog.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Could you check my thread out when you have a chance? I'd like to see what your input is about what I've been doing and how what you went through might be similar.
