Opinions wanted please - Communication Issue

[Gnosis]

I have a lot of lingering resentment which I don't think I can ever get over.

That's understandable.

Her behaviour when we split was appalling.

Yes it was.

I may be arrogant, obstinate etc

Yup, and you need to work on that.

but I have a string sense of morals and a good code of honour.

Good for you. Don't lose those.

My ex-wife's are 'flexible'. She told me one of the reasons why she wanted us to try again was because she needed somebody strong.

Well.... that's her problem.

she's a bloody flake most of the time.

Why do you think I told you (on your other thread) not to get involved with her again. To stay as far away as possible?

But then again... you didn't listen... instead you probably slept with her again... and when she reverted to her selfish behavior you came back here to whine. I thought you were going to treat her as a FWB from now on. I guess not. See what happens when you play with fire?

This woman knows how to trigger off the worst in you. STAY AWAY.

I hope you've learned your lesson.

Now go back to work on yourself. You've still got a few issues to resolve.

[OhGodNotAgain]

Alright so now YOU have made yourself stuck. She wants to go to C but you don't want to arrange it. Yet you have lingering resentment that you can't get over until you go to C.

You mention that her behaviour when you split was appalling. Wasn't that a few years ago? It's either you live with the resentment and not hold it against her because you don't want to go to C to deal with it, or you go to C, get it out in the open and get more peace in your life. Do you like living with the resentment and hatred you have towards your W now? I'm guessing no or else you wouldn't be here.

Or a third alternative is that you are so resentful of how she was in the PAST and how you believe it has impacted your PRESENT that you want to go into C so that she feels like crap and you can get the revenge you always wanted.

I learned to accept what happened years ago. I never even thought about it anymore. It's only now it's rearing its ugly head because we're dating. If I call it off I don't need a C because it will fade into the background again.

I can't even talk to my ex about it - she just denies everything. So you see it's just not really possible. I'd need to know that she was sorry for her behaviour and understood it was wrong so I'd know it wouldn't happen again.

[OhGodNotAgain]

I have a lot of lingering resentment which I don't think I can ever get over.

That's understandable.

Her behaviour when we split was appalling.

Yes it was.

I may be arrogant, obstinate etc

Yup, and you need to work on that.

but I have a string sense of morals and a good code of honour.

Good for you. Don't lose those.

My ex-wife's are 'flexible'. She told me one of the reasons why she wanted us to try again was because she needed somebody strong.

Well.... that's her problem.

she's a bloody flake most of the time.

Why do you think I told you (on your other thread) not to get involved with her again. To stay as far away as possible?

But then again... you didn't listen... instead you probably slept with her again... and when she reverted to her selfish behavior you came back here to whine. I thought you were going to treat her as a FWB from now on. I guess not. See what happens when you play with fire?

This woman knows how to trigger off the worst in you. STAY AWAY.

I hope you've learned your lesson.

Now go back to work on yourself. You've still got a few issues to resolve.

I didn't sleep with her. She's been in Greece since I've made these posts. That's why I came on here, to decide what to do whilst she's away. Anyway, decision made now. You're right, there's something about her that brings out the worst in me and probably vice-versa. But, sadly, the best as well.

[OhGodNotAgain]

What's an FWB?

[OhGodNotAgain]

Alright so now YOU have made yourself stuck. She wants to go to C but you don't want to arrange it. Yet you have lingering resentment that you can't get over until you go to C.

You mention that her behaviour when you split was appalling. Wasn't that a few years ago? It's either you live with the resentment and not hold it against her because you don't want to go to C to deal with it, or you go to C, get it out in the open and get more peace in your life. Do you like living with the resentment and hatred you have towards your W now? I'm guessing no or else you wouldn't be here.

Or a third alternative is that you are so resentful of how she was in the PAST and how you believe it has impacted your PRESENT that you want to go into C so that she feels like crap and you can get the revenge you always wanted.

Oh, and BTW, I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in revenge. That would make me feel worse about the whole thing - and I don't want to hurt her.

[MrBond]

"I can't even talk to my ex about it - she just denies everything. So you see it's just not really possible. I'd need to know that she was sorry for her behaviour and understood it was wrong so I'd know it wouldn't happen again."

That's what C is for. You want her to show remorse because you want to be able to trust her again. Your resentment didn't "go away" you just buried it the first time. Deal with it once and for all. If you don't, regardless of who you're with, you're going to have the need for them to be "remorseful" for every mistake they make. You're not going to do it intentionally, but it will come out.

If at the very least, maybe you need to take care of that in IC for yourself.

[Gnosis]

Lol, nice post and not lost on me I assure you.

Then it was worth taking the time to write it.

Divorce certainly bought out some misogynistic tendencies in me.

It has a habit of doing that. Take a minute to consider the flipside of that equation and how it can bring out misoandristic tendencies in a woman who got screwed in her D. All these people are saying is consider the opposing side's viewpoint. Maybe they didn't say it the way you wanted to hear it... and that's OK because we're limited to "black on white" here.

I don't see that as my fault - I see it as a natural reaction to a bad situation.

That's cool. Get what you can from it. Analyze what went wrong, pinpoint things that you could have done better on and improve on them so you don't repeat.

P.S. FWB = Friend With Benefits... aka f*ck buddy.

[OhGodNotAgain]

"I can't even talk to my ex about it - she just denies everything. So you see it's just not really possible. I'd need to know that she was sorry for her behaviour and understood it was wrong so I'd know it wouldn't happen again."

That's what C is for. You want her to show remorse because you want to be able to trust her again. Your resentment didn't "go away" you just buried it the first time. Deal with it once and for all. If you don't, regardless of who you're with, you're going to have the need for them to be "remorseful" for every mistake they make. You're not going to do it intentionally, but it will come out.

If at the very least, maybe you need to take care of that in IC for yourself.

I know, maybe you're right and some of that resentment would carry forward into future relationships in ways I wouldn't expect. I might see if I can sort some out for myself.

I don't think it's worth taking me ex with me - as gnosis said, stay away. She referred to as toxic on my other thread by more than one person.

[OhGodNotAgain]

Lol, nice post and not lost on me I assure you.

Then it was worth taking the time to write it.

Divorce certainly bought out some misogynistic tendencies in me.

It has a habit of doing that. Take a minute to consider the flipside of that equation and how it can bring out misoandristic tendencies in a woman who got screwed in her D. All these people are saying is consider the opposing side's viewpoint. Maybe they didn't say it the way you wanted to hear it... and that's OK because we're limited to "black on white" here.

I don't see that as my fault - I see it as a natural reaction to a bad situation.

That's cool. Get what you can from it. Analyze what went wrong, pinpoint things that you could have done better on and improve on them so you don't repeat.

P.S. FWB = Friend With Benefits... aka f*ck buddy.

The FWB wouldn't work sadly. I'd be OK with it but she wouldn't be able to detach her emotions/expectations enough.

It does upset me that I now have some misogynistic tendencies to deal with. I never had any prior to the divorce. Pisses me off all the issues I have to deal with because of somebody else's actions.

[Gypsy]

Yes, I have got defensive on this thread because I felt that everybody, except you, was attacking me. My Observation? When a nerve is struck (on either side) folks can get defensive.

I was blamed for EVERYTHING for 20 years and eventually you get a little tired of it and don't want to hear it anymore. PROJECTION.. and as an aside, I found being blamed for everything logically meant I wasn't completely at fault. After all, no one is perfect. It's healthier to take accountability, learn from mistakes and let go of the boo boos.

I know I'm a decent person with a lot of good points. GOOD JOB! Keep getting better.

Some of the responses to me, IMO, have been rude and hurtful DISTRACTION.. and the road goes both ways

and have not understood the whole point of this thread. OBSERVATION.. and you can't control others perceptions. Take what works, leave the rest.

You're right about the fear, hurt, desire and hesitation. All there.GOOD JOB!

Would love it to be possible with me ex-wife, but fear it isn't. YOUR CHOICE.. and take some time to focus on what you really feel... do your actions reflect your words?

Did you see my other thread? It's on the front page - WAW - Worth the bother? My Observation? The title answers the question.

It does upset me that I now have some misogynistic tendencies to deal with. I never had any prior to the divorce. Pisses me off all the issues I have to deal with because of somebody else's actions. My Observation? Isn't that always the case? Take the time to process it, preferably with a professional, and oh goodness what you will learn.

Blame gets you nowhere.
Taking accountability does.
Letting go of guilt releases you.
And forgiveness is divine.

And folks choose how they act, not others.

Get healthy in mind body and spirit. You're worth it.

*hugs*