I have looked and looked and cannot find the the "stages of MLC" resource. Everytime I find something and click on it, it goes back to the main page. I think XH is coming to one of the last stages, I breifly read that reconnecting with the kids is one of them. I want to read about this. OW is gone, XH told me he loves me and always has, told D17 tonight that he is so sorry he has been distant the last few years, we are taking the kids on Spring Break together next month. I want to do this all correctly. I want to go on this trip being carefree and fun, no R talk, no rehashing the past, just pure family fun! But, I also want to understand more of where he is in all this. I have researched and researched MLC on the net, but haven't found the stages stuff. Help if you can! Thanks!
Last edited by Augtan; 02/11/1002:54 AM.
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
Augtan, What wonderful news. Please please please have absolutely no expectations. Be yourself!!! The new you! Try not to walk on eggshells, and remember it is OK to rock the boat....just don't tip the boat over. Have a wonderful time. ((((hugs))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Thanks so much! I will read all those tonight when I get home from work. I have no expectations at all. All I would really like to see happen is for us to get along for the kids and for him to come back into the kids lives as much as possible. We had a long talk on Sunday, when he finally told me that OW was out of the picture (I had known for weeks, but he didn't tell me till Sunday).
He is still hung up on what the OW did and who she really is, he knows now, but he has to take the time needed to accept it. I told him he needs to be alone and really decide what he wants in his life, but I am his friend and always will be. Since then, he has called and asked to talk to me when he was done with the kids. It has been friend type stuff, which is where I want to begin! It is harder since he lives 700 miles away. D17 is down there with him right now and said he seems more "normal, like he use to be". She said it seems like a weight has been lifted since the OW is gone! I am sure that is true, but he is drinking more by his own admission.
All I plan to have now is patience all while continuing to work on myself and going about my life. I'm not sure what will hurt most in the long run..if he never wants to come back or if he does and I can't do it because of all the lies, cheating, pain, etc. that he caused me and the kids. I am taking it one day at a time and going to read all this. I have forgiven him to some level, but still working on that, just not sure even with forgivness I would want him in my life as a boyfriend/H again.
Thanks again everyone!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
I read some of the resources, the stages in deepth, but I have some questions, of course!!
I think my XH is between withdrawal and acceptance. He is still getting over losing the OW, but is seeing that she was a huge mistake. While I can't be sympathic that OW is out of the picture, I want him to understand that I do know he is hurting and that as always I am here for him, that I never really left him emotionally, even though we are divorced.
I have no idea what to do next, I have just talked to him in small amounts. Last night, I told him we need to talk and plan the trip...he jumped back in the tunnel for a second and said "I never said I was forsure going (he did!) and I need the dates again" I told him nicely that he has the dates and yes he did say he was going. At that point he jumped back out of the tunnel and said "okay, lets talk tomorrow and we can figure it all out." I want to put no pressure on him to go or not to go. I want him to want to come or not come at all. How do I not pressure him but let him know we just want to go and have fun, etc.??
I know he sees my changes, but I am afraid he just sees it has too big of a mountain to climb for us to ever be together again. And, like I said above, I don't know if I want to live wondering when the next bomb is gonna drop, as I have seen happen on here many times. I feel strongly that once he is completely out of MLC he would never do all he has done again, but I don't know if I will have any peace wondering if it will happen again, cause there are no gurantees, I can't live through all that pain again.
I just hope he realizes that I am the one who has never given up on him, never stopped believing in him, etc. Will he see that for himself? I have been the only one constant in his life for 21 years? His Mom died when he was 9, Dad was an alcholic and died when he was 21, brothers and sisters abandoned him, on and on. He thought OW was it and now she is gone too, I have stayed strong and walked with him the whole way. Sure, we got divorced, but I told him many times I never gave up on him. I sent him an e-card for V-day, just telling him that he always made that day special for me and I am thinking of him. Now, do I just ride it out til the trip and see how things go? I will not walk on egg shells completely, but I know I will a little. Help!
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Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
I have no idea what to do next, I have just talked to him in small amounts.
This is good. Small short conversations lead to less chance of misinterpretation.
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I want to put no pressure on him to go or not to go.
Just let him know he is welcome to join you. And don’t keep pushing the issue. If you have to buy a specific thing like a plane ticket, when the time comes, if you are still not certain if he is coming, then just say ok, I am purchasing ticket today. Should I get yours? Or something easy like that.
Unfortunately, you never can be certain what will make them feel pressure. The best thing you can do is be kind and welcoming.
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I know he sees my changes, but I am afraid he just sees it has too big of a mountain to climb for us to ever be together again. And, like I said above, I don't know if I want to live wondering when the next bomb is gonna drop, as I have seen happen on here many times. I feel strongly that once he is completely out of MLC he would never do all he has done again, but I don't know if I will have any peace wondering if it will happen again, cause there are no gurantees, I can't live through all that pain again.
This is thinking way too far ahead right now IMO. Just take it one day at a time, see what evolves as if you are just meeting him for the first time.
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I just hope he realizes that I am the one who has never given up on him, never stopped believing in him, etc. Will he see that for himself?
This is one of those things. Someday, hopefully, he will see it. If he is to, it will be on his own, not with prompting from you. Remember this is still his journey.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Quote: I just hope he realizes that I am the one who has never given up on him, never stopped believing in him, etc. Will he see that for himself?
This is one of those things. Someday, hopefully, he will see it. If he is to, it will be on his own, not with prompting from you. Remember this is still his journey.
He must see it for himself or it will do you no good. You can't force him to do anything.
I would think you have to take everything as slow as possible with low expectations for yourself and for your R. You don't want to scare him back into the tunnel.
