I am very new to DBing and I am not sure what to do, so any advice on how to deal with this and your thoughts on my situation is GREATLY appreciated. Sorry for the long post.
I am 40 and my WAH is 48. This is his second marriage and my first. We have been together for 11 years and married for 5 1/2 years. My H walked out on me on Christmas Eve. He packed up after I left for work that morning and has not returned. He says he has been unhappy for some time and that when he thinks about us, he continues to come to the same conclusion - he feels he wants a divorce and that's how he feels. He loves me and cares about me, but does not “feel” he wants to be with me.
Well let me give you a bit more of our story. Early last year, I began to notice unusual changes in my WAH behavior/actions. While he was undressing for bed one night, I notice that all of his chest hair was gone - I mean completely gone. I inquired about what happened he said that he got Alase surgery earlier that day and I asked why, he said because he wanted to. I asked why he didn't discuss it with me, he said, "I didn't want you to talk me out of it". He began shopping at I would call "teen" retail stores. Now granted, he lost weight earlier in the year, but when he has lost weight before, he never did any of this. In addition, he began "hanging out" at Happy Hour more than usual. I couldn't even get him on his cell to find out when he would be home for dinner.
Well, our anniversary rolls around and I wanted to plan a big night for us, but he kept avoiding my questions about dinner. I spent my anniversary alone at home crying the entire night. He arrived home around 9 with no explanation. A big argument ensues and he just shouts down, as usual.
One week after our anniversary I traveled out of town for my sister’s college graduation. I had some suspicions when I couldn’t reach my husband to say good night (the night before the graduation ceremony). I decided to fly home right after the ceremony (one day earlier than planned) and discovered my WAH car in garage, but no husband upon my arrival at 12 midnight. I waited, slept, waited, slept and finally got up around 8 am. Within the hour, my husband was dropped off by OW in grey Mercedes. I was so incredibly angry. I walked out of my house, confronted him (he was COMPLETELY shocked to find me home) and slapped him. I would have never done that but I was so hurt and knew that he was planning on lying to me about his whereabouts if I had returned on the day I had planned. He immediately began telling me that nothing happened between and that they spent the entire evening outside a local bar front and just talked. I told him to leave and that if that was the kind of woman he wanted, he could just leave.
He then told me he would not leave me for her. He was so concerned that I was going to tell his family, friends and work (because I discovered the woman worked under his leadership – and he places such high regards for ethics – HUH!!!). He was nice for a while. He is a reservist, so soon after he had to travel overseas for his annual tour. When he returned, things appeared great. We were intimate, spent evenings preparing great meals and had movie nights. I then asked him to g to MC. Boy, I should have checked references on that therapist. Initially, he did not want to go and indicated to me that I would be disappointed, because the MC therapist would only point out my flaws and problems. Well, we stopped seeing the MC therapist after 5 visits.
Well, that is how he manipulated the conversation. See, my WAH doesn’t believe he has flaws or faults. Can you believe it? I have never thought or acted on breaking my vows to my husband because I believe that marriage is a covenant and before we got married, we had conversations about this and thought that we understood one another and were both committed to the marriage.
He was such an understanding husband before summer of last year – or at least I thought. I really believe my husband is experiencing a crisis in his life because at least during one of our MC sessions, he indicated that he “gave up on his life” and that there were things he wanted to do. He would not comment on why he believed he gave up nor did he give any insight into what he wanted to do with his life. With the Alase surgery, teen clothing and what he calls his “emotional affair” with the OW, I know he is seeking to find what he wants and believes I am hindering his happiness.
I think my husband is really hurting, but he does not want help from anyone who truly loves him. He even said that he did not “give a damn (excuse language) about his family or his best friend thoughts or their input”. He was told last year that he was the “bottom of the barrel” by his boss in terms of his performance which was huge blow to him. He has completely shut everyone out who cares. He doesn’t answer his phone; he prefers to text – limited words however. I know where he is staying, but it hurts that he has shut me out and refuses to listen or even hear what I have to say. He just says divorce. On top of it all, he is being deployed to Afghanistan in 3 months and I am a mess. I worry about is safety.
I feel like I am losing my mind. I cry daily because I love my husband deeplyand I am so hurt that he does not even want to talk about options. He only sees the world from his eyes and can never be wrong about any decision because to be wrong is to fail. I am not sure how I help or get him to see other perspectives and that life is not so black and white. You don’t give up your wife and life without a real attempt. I love him very much. It has been 7 weeks since he has been gone with only two 1 hour visits since his departure. He says he does feel happy when he is with me. But he cannot tell me why.
Please I need your help to put my situation into perspective. Thank you all in advance.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Sorry that you find yourself here. But you will not find a more caring group of individuals that will help you through this.
Okay, your H is going through a Midlife Crisis (MLC) plain and simple. All the stuff you've described explains it to a tee. Check out the MLC section of this website for more info.
First thing you need to do is take care of yourself. Your H is going through a second childhood. He is going to act and has acted like a spoiled, entitled teenager. Some of his acts are going to be downright embarassing, damaging and destructive. You have to detach yourself from it as best you can. Be supportive, but not overly so. And definitely set a boundary about the cheating.
He is going to blame you for everything that's unhappy in his life. Everything from why he's not ahead in his job to why it's snowing in the East Coast. Crazy, but true. Don't fall into the trap. He's going to have to go through this on his own. You're going to have to ride out the damage as best you can.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thank you very much. This has been so hard so when I found this forum and read the posts, I really felt that I could be honest and share my situation with so many who understand.
My WAH behavior worries me because he doesn't seem to understand the magnitude of his decision to say -I just want a divorce and offer no reasons why. His behavior is immature, but he tells me I am being a teenager. He has been more verbally insulting over this last year than ever in our relationship, so I knew that there was an issue. I hope he makes it through this process. He has said that he does not know what the next ten years (after turning 50) will be like. I guess I need to fester the strength to allow him space ( which he has since he is not home). But it is HARD! Thank you for your post!
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Again, think of him as a teenager. When a teenager doesn't get what he wants from his parents, what does he do? He blames his parents. "You're not giving me what I want!" "Don't you see I need this?" "You just don't understand" "You're the problem not me!"
All of this is the script of a person in MLC. So if you do picture him as a teenager, what would you do? Would you bow down to a teenager's wishes? Of course not. You stand strong and let them make their own mistakes. It will happen.
In fact, I would have gone straight and broken up his little deal with the OW. He would get pissed, but it all comes down to consequences. You didn't start this. He did. All you're doing is taking care of yourself and it has nothing to do with him.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I'm sorry that you find yourself here. It does sound very much like your husband is going through a mid-life crisis. I would copy your post in that section of the board where you will find lots of wise folks there who are very experienced and will be able to give you help.
I cannot seem to get my mind to stop thinking about him and wanting him to return home. I feel he is controlling everything. Before he found out about possibly being deployed overseas, he took no action. I told me a few days ago, he is thinking about retaining a lawyer, because if he is deployed, we need to have some sort of separation agreement in place.
I am overly distraught over the thought of him being deployed and he doesn't seem to care. Makes me feel so unwanted and angry!
I am not sure where we will come out with this. But I do hope the best for my H and myself.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I am an emotional wreck today. Icalled and he will not answer. I have been trapped at home in this snow mess for days. We won't even respond to text.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
You might want to visit the MLC board, because someone in the midst of one is different than just an WAS. It is really like a mental illness. Let me ask you...was there a significant event in your H's childhood...one that was negative? Death of a parent? Divorce of a parent...anything like that?
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I can't even type I am so upset. Both of my H parents are deceased. But he was very close to his father - he really admired him. He has an older brother who leaves in a halfway house. He spent some time in the house when hy H was a child, but he was removed from the home and sent to a facility. My H has never visited, doesn't talk about him, says he doesn't know him. I have always suspected that there was a truamatic event from his childhood, but I figured he would tell me when he was ready. When I have approached the topic to him early last year, he didn't deny that there was something but he never elaborated.
Not sure how I will get through this day. His birthday is tomorrow. It was always special.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I know this is so hard but take it one day, one hour even at a time. We all understand here what you are going through so you are not alone.
Take some deep breaths... you will be ok I promise.
This is about your husband and he needs to go through whatever he is going through. I learnt the hard way that friends, relatives etc can't help them. The WAS needs to work through it themselves. Your job is to look after you. I know you can't help but worry about him and think about him and that is ok but you need to make sure you eat and look after yourself as you will need all your strength.
As you are snowed in today, why don't you try and watch a movie, or do some cooking or something to keep you occupied. It is better if you try not to focus on your h or the situation but if you cannot there are links to the first chapters of Michelle's books on the boards. Have a read of those.
