Thank you everyone. Confronted this morning. Will keep you posted. He is ending it.
Dani88, Go with caution - my H also told me he ended it - did not. When it was completely exposed and I had found out that it had been going on for 6 months he again told me it was over (that she had her own issues she had to work out, she is married too!!). I have found out yesterday that it is not.
I hope that this is not true for you.
LNG Me - 37 H - 42 S - 19 D - 16 D - 14 M - 20 years S - 1/11/2010 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942142&page=1
Agree with LNG. Please be sure to protect yourself, Dani, by getting him to send her a no-contact letter (copy to be approved by you, and letter to be MAILED by you, so that he doesn't add anything to it), and to FULL TRANSPARENCY.
Without full transparency and some good MCing with someone skilled in dealing with infidelity, the recidivism rate for these things is EXTREMELY high.
Awesome. Keep this stuff coming as I have course thought about the relapse/not doing it. Given that he also has to remove her from our company (the one we all work for) that give me some more confidence for some reason.
Again, keep the advice on this front coming please as I don't have a plan in place yet.
Right now he is going to therapist alone, we will resume together most likely. Again, separated for 2 years - and we separated BEFORE the affair. That tempers some of this. I mean, if we were "together together" this would have a different severity to it. Our situation was so screwed up (I know most are) but that gives me ...err...In don't know what it gives me.
Anyway, she's a whore and I would not want to be my H for a million dollars in any time in the near future.
Again, thank you in advance for affair ending confirming stuff. I can tell when he is lying and believe him when he says he does not love her. He said that is the worst part and that it makes him feel like even more of a horrible person. Oh, what a morning.
Whatever, I feel pretty confident between you gys and my best friend who happens to be a divorce Attorney I will be safe.
Here's the thing, Dani. He can BE, completely sincere in his DESIRE to end contact. Many, many alcoholics WANT to stop drinking.
But without a firm no-contact communication to her, and a good transparency plan in place, what I'm saying is that I don't think he will be ABLE to.
Betrayed spouses make a dangerous mistake when they try to judge their suddenly-contrite, cheating spouse's SINCERITY and INTENTIONS, rather than focusing on doing EVERYTHING that can be done to ensure that it's not a repeat performance.
NO-CONTACT LETTER. TRANSPARENCY PLAN. MCing WITH AN MC TRAINED IN INFIDELITY COUNSELING.
My husband said those things and more Dani. Be cautious. Your H is a big LIAR! I am sure he has told OW that he loves her even though he is telling you he does not. Likewise I am sure he has told OW some horrible and private things about you.
Did you tell him she has to work somewhere else? Unless she is breaking policy, he will not be able to force her to go. Can you deal with it then?
Thik about this...it took 2 years to get where you are now. It will probably take twice that much to get where you really want to be. There will be good days and there will be days when you feel like throwing in the towel. It is a long journey. Do not try to rush it.
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
Yes, Puppy is right on. Aside from no contact letter and transparency he should get a new phone number. I would also still expect him to "relapse" Or HER. She will persist in trying to contact and he might try to contact her. It could be a simple 1 minute phone conversation or email. I don't know what others' opinions are on this, but since I see it happen in so many cases, I would just expect it. You tell him that if he promises to be honest and tell you when she contacts him, then you promise to not fly off the handle. Explain that you can work with him to help him stay away from OW and help him handle her.
I am curious to hear what others have to say about this. I am sure I'm not the only one who has observed that the OP tries to contact the WS even after WS sends no contact letter.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Same here, I don't know how many times I heard "It's over.. I am not talking to him anymore.." only to find out it was a LIE.
I suspect this guy's a charmer and will tell you whatever you want to hear to keep a situation from escalating...
This guy is going to be VERY HARD to keep an EYE on... and he is NOT going to give up this easy... a verbal committal is not worth much.. its a START, but I think he gave in too easily... I suspect he thinks he can fool you...
DON'T LET HIM fool you...
Follow up with the advice above.. do NOT TRUST his WORD on ANYTHING... physical PROOF Is your best friend right now...
and HER telling you she will NOT contact him anymore and apologizing for her interference is a HUGE step... its going to take a HUGE fight to get there... the battle has JUST STARTED... but at least you ARE fighting now...
Bo Peep method sucks for affairs... I have never seen it work on this forum to date.. not once.
Since you know her I am going to suggest you attack the NC from BOTH ends... Tell HER not to contact HIM .. EVER...
Make it clear she's done a lot of damage and you will not put up with it anymore...
This is a test ... if she fights you on it.. you KNOW she's goign to be pushing him... if she surrenders... well then you know you need to watch him closely... either way... confronting her to NC as well I think is a help in this case...
Normally I would'nt reccomend it, but in your case I would suggest you attack from both ends.
Thank you again! I have read and reread all your posts. Thank you. I will write more later, as you can imagine life is interesting at the moment.
All I can say is wow, I feel like I can walk upright again.
Given that I feel I am a fairly put together person, I did not realize how much dignity I had lost. Whatever happens from here on out matters little as compared to that.
I am having my moments for sure. Just left the grocery store crying as my favorite teller told me she loved me and gave me a giant hug. I mean, I have friends at the GROCERY STORE! I cannot believe how lucky I am.
Hi Allen! This is for you:
"Normally I would'nt reccomend it, but in your case I would suggest you attack from both ends."
[[Please insert horribly crass and perverted retort here regarding giving it to {stated tramp} from both ends.]]
Yeah, no problemo!
Right now I only hope I am not kicked off these boards during this time in my life and I am able to censor myself accordingly.
Today I called and left H message stating that "I might as well leave this in a message because this is not open to negotiation. Until this situation is resolved to my satisfication our son will remain here with me. You would be wise to advise OW to stay away from his school as it would not be a pleasant experience for her" (I have kept the teachers there more or less at bay - though of course they are professionals and behave accordingly - I have been downplaying H's relationship as they have inquired and its impact on my son. NO MORE!) I warned him in my sit down, I will no longer protect you.
Will post later about transparency plan in the works so you guys can critique and add.
Off to work and hopefully she will not call me for anything work related lol
