Every newbie should read this

[Bworl]

Puppy,

I agree with your assessment of Britt's sitch.

It's odd that she is held up as a fine example of "walking away faster than they do" and yet, up to the minute that she posted of her husbands second thoughts, she was still being ripped by some for not following their advice.

My take is what she really did is just stopped responding to her husbands crap. She stopped hanging on every word, she stopped making it clear how much she wanted him back, and she started focusing on herself. And it was HARD for her, as it is for most of us.

She certainly didn't go hardcore and tell her husband to hit the road.

She just finally divorced herself (no pun intended) from her husbands drama.


Bill

[Ready2Change]

It rarely works. And it just causes drama for the relationship.

If you love someone set them free. If they don't come back, it was never meant to be. People want what they can't have. Put on your mask first, then help others. How much drama happens if you keep pursuing?

CHANGING YOUR BEHAVIOR WORKS.

Yes.

[patpat]

I see it differently PDT....

For me, it is more like the janitor (who cleans up a mess) walking around the school on the last day locking up.

You see an tired old man (as we all become in our sitches) walking down a hallway with a large ring of keys. He spends 10 minutes at each door trying key after key after key, until he finds one that works. It may take him the entire summer to lock all the doors, and at summers end, to turn around and stand at each door for 10 minutes trying each key over and over again until he finds the one that unlocks it.

He does this because he has not taken care of the master key and can not identify it from the others. He just does not know where to start.

Our M's are similar. The WAS spends days, weeks, months and sometimes years locking the doors to the MR. They think they are done and toss the keys.

The LBS picks up the keys and desparately wants to unlock the doors and get back in. They can not identify the master key, so they (we) just start with the closest one.... and it will take time to find the right key....

When we find a key that works, we try it in the next door....

That's the sayin'... try what works... if it doesn't try something else.

Britt had to turn each key... she had to open many doors to find H and to find herself.... evenually she rolled up on the master key. No doors are locked for her now.


The rest of us.... yes, we all have the key.... but which one is it?

I know for some it may feel like a never ending battle. The WAS has kept the master key. The LBS has the ring of keys and everytime you open door, the WAS feels the draft and runs right behind you and locks it right back up.

Maybe Britt did not have the key at all... maybe she just slowly lifted it off its hinges so that it could never be close or lock again.

Does it really matter..... I am just happy for her....

Just my weird thought process responding with little rest...

Love ya PDT

[Lotus]

Nice image, PatPat. I agree with Bworl, while it is sometimes effective to make the cheating spouse feel the extreme hurt of total rejection, it also can hasten a divorce as an unintended consequence. Perhaps it should be an absolute last resort method, but to make it the first and only method for dealing with the spouse cuts the process short and doesn't give the LBS time to make changes to make him/herself more attractive to be with.

[cesco]

If the W hasnt been willing to work things out, and you made progress in the change for you category.. ie, look good, change your behaviour etc and its been awhile and you feel that things are not changing.
Then, a conversation will be had with your s and it just seems that it alwasy ends the same way and that is that the W wants out.
The famous words in my sitch is "I want to be alone" Dont have the feelings I should for you and maybe we should separate.

How many times does someone need to hear this and not push the envelope ?
If you push and she leaves and never comes back then it was meant to be and you continue to work on yourself.
As fare as you know at this point you M is at a dead end anyway.. What have you lost? you have been trying.
I could be totally wrong and misunderstanding everyone here.
I have to move on with my life too..

I know this may seem like a hardass approach.. The delivery I beleive is key. There really isnt a nice way to say it, but with a calm non threating tone this may. I realize patience is the key to all of this. Its just sooooo hard!...

[Bworl]

My impression, having been around here since 2006, is that there is much more impatience in posters these days.

I remember when I was new here, being told by an oldtimer of the board that it was reasonable to expect at least a month for every year you had been married to completely work through the issues that had brought you to this point.

More and more it seems folks are being told that if you don't begin to see some positive response from your wayward spouse fairly quickly, you're ready to move on to a much more aggressive (and potentially fatal) approach.


These changes that the left behind spouses are making are supposed to be real and lasting. Perhaps I'm just a slow learner, but for me, long lasting changes are not things that happen overnight. It takes months, if not years, to change patterns of behavior that we have walked in for years. Thinking otherwise is usually wishful thinking, and a thought process predicated on the fact that we want to mark something off the magical list that ends with our spouse back with us.



Blessings,

Bill

[mrbt]

Bill, well said. I saved that in my "things to think about" file. Great advice!