I was reading some of the old archives and found an old posting stating that the WAW / MLC Spouses hurt just as much as the LBS if not more.
At first this angered me as I am in so much pain and see my STBXW strutting around whisteling dixie like she has no care in the world. She is even gleeful with everyone except me and my Son.
But I made a startling realization. If she is so bent on leaving me then she must be hurting just as much if not more than me. Other than that it could be that she has simply gone completely insane or has a mental problem. This is one of the reasons I asked her to see an MD or MC. She never did.
Anyway, I would like some feedback on what people either know or believe on this subject.
Do these people who have hurt us so much have as much pain as us or more? Big qustion with no real answer but I feel strongly about it.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
Either. Since I have no clue which one my Wife is if any. I can only guess, as most of us do IMO. In my case I see signs of both. Arent the sings basically the same?
Would WAW / MLC make a difference in that regard?
I wanted to bring this question up because it will help how I approach my own wife. I sometime see her as this evil alien and other times as a very sick mental patiant. For the most part I treat her at face value. A woman who probably just burned out on me and my marriage.
And since my emotions are usually involved (damn feelings) I do a miserable job of it.
Knowing more about her possible pain would help me with my anger, lack of empathy and understanding.
Do they feel pain yet color a smile? Is this typical in them? Cant get any info from my wife but I love her enough to be concerned about her feelings and possible pain.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
I can really only speak for my experience with MLC, but I know my H is in a great deal of pain and inner turmoil. He did go through a period around the time of the bomb when he did seem like he was having the time of his life, but now the depression is evident. He has shared enough with me for me to know that what is going on in his head and it is not pretty. Seeing that does make me be more sympathetic (definitely doesn't erase my pain, though!).
It makes no sense that he would be so willing to just throw away a good marriage and family life, but from what I understand about depression and MLC (for which the underlying force is the depression) they are making decisions and acting out on their pain and emotions, trying to do whatever they can to ease that pain. They think giving up their family responsibilities, a new R, a new job, whatever it is will make them feel better when what they really need to do is look inside.
MLC is caused by unresolved issues from childhood so it is pain they have been carrying around for a long time.
Hope that helps. Again, it is just what I have learned about MLC. I don't know much about just a WAS. I am sure others will chime in here tomorrow.
Depression was one of the things that I suspected in my Wife but it could be a number of things. MLC is just too broad a label but I at least got some comfort after reading about MLC in that the uglyness had a NAME to it. Something I could relate to.
I feel your pain as I am going through it now and she never gave me a clue as to why she was really wanting out.
Her father passed recently and she has an Anyurism (sp?) that we have known about for years. Something that haunted us both. As well as a couple of other classic MLC and WAW signs and scripts.
I hope she is not suffering even though I am. I love her that much. Our divorce is imminent and it looks like she is dead set on moving on without me.
I am trying to come to terms with that fact but having a hard time with it. I wish I could carry her pain and ease her suffering. I just do not know how she feels or what she is thinking. It's torture.
TY for your post.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
My H is MLC. I see torment in his eyes sometimes, sadness and no motivation for enjoyment. He often has tears in his eyes, looks old and grey and is spending money like water so his business is now at risk. When I watch him even OW doesn't appear to have any positive impact on him anymore!
Despite this he tells us he is happy!
He has been gone since Aug 09. Initially I was completly traumatised by the bomb. Now I can see I am definately in a more positive place than he is as he struggles to deal with his emotional childhood issues and the whole thing engulfs him and I can't help him he has to work it out for himself.
With an MLCer, you do not want to, and really probably cannot really even imagine the pain that they are in.
Yes, they can outwardly seem happy for a long time during this. But when they are alone, the monsters that come out to play, are horrible. For those of us who get a glimpse of it, we will all tell you it is not a pretty sight.
And you CANNOT do anything to try to take her pain away. With MLC, this is something that they have to go through on their own in order to become complete, whole, and healthy adults.
WAW, I do believe they hurt as well. But the major difference, IMO, is the ability for real continuous rational thought. They can separate their emotions from the situation a bit and make the choices that they make.
A perfect example of a WAS, is someone who plans for the eventual time that they can leave. Saving money, finding a place to go before they leave, having a real and concrete plan. And although the loss if the dream of a “forever” marriage is sad to them, it is not quite the same.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
For me...the first part of your question is realizing the we will all go through a "MLC"...it is just part of our human development. Erickson in his eight stages of life said that integrity vs. despair is the last stage of human development. I think since his studies though....this stage has become a younger stage. The basic premise is that you can review your life with integrity and see what you have accomplished, achieved, succeeded and failed at with integrity. Were as despair is looking at you life from the other side of things and focusing on what you haven't achieved, accomplished, and only seeing what you failed at.
So we all go through it.....what makes the difference is how we deal with it. Some people just go with it, others hide their findings by going into the "MLC Fog". My wife is slowly coming out of the fog....and I will tell you this. For all the pain she caused.....she was in a lot more. Not only was she looking at a failed marriage (the part we deal with)...she was also seeing a failed and miserable life (the part we don't deal with since we aren't there mentally). So they hurt more.
The WAS....I think they hurt, but in a different factor. As the previous poster stated. They plan and usually have a supporter that is informing them that being away from the marriage is better. Usually you will also see WAS stating very specific problems in the marriage (lack of sex, not helping enough, not cleaning enough)...were as a MLC spouse will just state it is everything without giving clear answers to specifics.
I see you made it to this board. Welcome. I assume that you have found the resources. There are links on "seeking answers" thread if you have not found them. I stand by what I said that I think your W is in MLC. not a WAS but that is not for me to decide.
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If she is so bent on leaving me then she must be hurting just as much if not more than me.
YES she is hurting much more than you. Be glad you are not in her shoes.
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Do they feel pain yet color a smile? Is this typical in them?
Again YES. There depression colors everything that they do. They are in tremendous pain. They may not show it to you but it is what is causing everything they do. It is powerful enough for them to convince themselves to destroy their marriages, their families, their lives. That is why you have to detach to stay away from the craziness. You can not let their pain destroy YOU!
My MLC wife and mother of 2 wonderful boys almost ate a gun, nothing wrong in her life that she couldn't fix beyond the MLC. Talking to her about it afterwards and during our pie(r)cing, my God the pain, confusion and turmoil she went through. Nothing compared to mine. Or ours.
As a former WAH, there is pain, but for me the pain was constant right up until I decided to leave. Once that happened the only pain I felt was the hurt I was causing my wife.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK