tired of trying...

[beingreal]

My response has usually been, "I'm sorry you feel that way." or "that isn't the way I remember it", or some variation like that. Not getting into a "Did not!" "Did too!" type argument.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

OK so, he's left b/c you said if you're unhappy then just leave so he did. In a heated argument words were said and the only solution is to separate.
So we can agree pointing each other faults out doesn't make each other feel good.

When you see him, how is he towards you?

Is there any friendly chat? how was your......?

The first step you need to take is building a friendly R with H.
You will need to be friends first, before anything else can happen.
This is hard b/c you want instant results.
Try treating him like a stranger right now. A stranger in need. Don't be rude or harsh on him.
Be kind and helpful when you need to be. the little things Not financially.

It seems to me if you culd get to friendly terms and you're both thinking retaionally, then maybe MC might in your future.


Have you gone to IC for yourself??

[JacT]

Shel I think people hve to make their own choices.I have not fought in any way shape or form for my H because I refuse to play with his head in the way she has.I threw him out cos he crossed the line. We do not deserve this of our spouses, its a cowards way out.I let him go because I love him and want him to be happy if he has TRULY found someone who can accept his cdg.Its not something you get to understand in a few months.I am sure my h OW will be starting to think what the hell?
Here is a great site..forget about the titles, labels etc and read the content.It may give you some answers to your H behaviour and it will help you help you.
Try not to work out what he meant, why he said things, there crazy in this fog so very crazy..He could be back at some point and I guarantee he wont remember half of what he said to you.
Dont matter whether you are LBS or hes wah, your a woman in immense pain that has alot of day to day pressures to deal with..caused by his behaviour.
doesnt matter if your right or wrong, its how he makes you feel.
Did he have issues as a child with abandonment? What was his child hood like?
www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com

[beingreal]

He's been civil to me in only the past couple of days. Before that he rarely spoke to me, if he did he was very terse & he couldn't look at me without glaring. It was painful.

The convo last night was the first one he hasn't brought up R. It was nice to hear his voice without that icy, hateful edge to it.

I want to be his friend, or at least be friendly--but he's got so much stuff going on now it's hard for me to not jump in and try to *fix* everything. I'm not his mother. That's what I mean about his standing on his own again.

The man I met and married was kind and funny and loving. And he worked 60 hours a week. The man who moved out was moody and mean selfish--and felt like he was the house frau.


Not only does he need to support himself & be a man again, he needs to see that I can so all the *house frau* crap on my own. He wasn't here because I couldn't handle the kids on my own, he was here because he was my partner and I loved him.


He is the youngest of six boys, there is 12 years between him & the next oldest. He has brothers older than my parents. So he was essentially an only child growing up. His father was always working, but never invested in his family. They were dirt poor even though his dad made money--he was just careless with his *investments*. He'd give money to near strangers & never see any of it again, but not provide for his own family. It really got to H. A few years ago he hired people to come junk a ton of scrap metal (among other things) that he'd been hoarding. hired them. PAID them. We needed money & he knew it and never once asked H to come work--even though H had called him and told him he'd love to come down. He hired strangers. Because they needed it more than we did.

There is also this strange dynamic between his parents. They are lovely people, honestly, but !wow! is there some co-dependancy going on there. His father (in his 80s) refuses to do anything for himself. His mother says she can't stand it but feeds into it. They feed off of each other. I just kind of blame it on the fact that she's been with him since she was 15 and doesn't know anything different. So...meh, not my life.

H says his can't stand his dad (other than the whole loving-because-he's-your-dad thing), but he's turning into him. Grumpy. Unkind. Zero compassion. I'm just not like my poor MIL--I am not going to live like that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Started that post a while ago. Since then I called H for the kids, he had them put me on after they were done. Just a quick question he had about TBall practice & then a five minute chat about what he's up to--the job he found & quit the same day when he found the guy he was selling cars for was up to some shading (read illegal) activity. How his injury is healing (motorcycle accident). I responded and interacted just like you guys said I should, like he was a stranger i was having a convo with; I was kind, polite, compassionate, interested but not overly so.

He didn't ask me about me--but that's okay. I'm getting sick to death of talking about me. lol Except to you guys. You guys get the uncensored, unrated, full-on crazy version of me.

He gets cool, calm, collected and confident. And I am totally faking it.

[beingreal]

Okay--the whole geomom's deleted posts thing is getting to me. Do me a favor...someone post after this & tomorrow morning I'll try to delete them both.

Not that I don't believe you Geo!! I'm just looking for any other plausible explanation, like a freaking system glitch or something.

The whole thing just gives me the creeps.

(((geo)))

[JacT]

Shel stay calm honey.read the website I posted it may be a light bulb moment for you..let me know about deleting//

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Okay--the whole geomom's deleted posts thing is getting to me. Do me a favor...someone post after this & tomorrow morning I'll try to delete them both.

Not that I don't believe you Geo!! I'm just looking for any other plausible explanation, like a freaking system glitch or something.

The whole thing just gives me the creeps.

(((geo)))

whats this all about?
I know geomom's H was hacking into her account but what the deleting stuff about?

Shelbel I had a hard time understanding your last update.

[JacT]

Shel you ok? Hope all is as calm as it can be(((((hugs

[beingreal]

I'm fine you guys, I was checking to see if I could delete one of my posts, or anyone else's in my own thread. I can't. I hate the thought that someone can hack into your account & delete stuff. I was just experimenting. Sorry if that was confusing to anyone.

Thanks for checking on me, though. No contact tonight. No reason--the kids are at my parents, I asked my mom to call H for them. So as much as I'd like to take the temp of the R right now, I'm not going to.

I did find myself defending h today at work. One of the physician assistants heard me talking that H had moved out (remember, no H bashing here--a friend just asked for an update), and he just jumped into the whole "I can't stand men who abandon their families" thing. Yes he moved out, yes he's being a jerk, but hold on there. I don't know why it bothered me, but it did. I told him the whole "I told him to go & didn't try to stop him when he did" story and how he's been so stressed and how he just needs to go away and fix whatever it is that's not right.

coworker: So you're NOT done with the R?
me: No. I don't know. That's up to him.
him: You'll always be *married*. You have kids, you won't get away from each other.
me: I know.
him: Separation is a good thing. You'll be fine.


Wow--someone who changes their tune as quickly as I do. lol

So people around me are basically going to follow my lead when it comes to this? If I say he's an a$$, then he's an a$$? If I say I'll be okay, then everyone suddenly gets all Zen on me? wth?

I've been able to envision both a future with H today, as well as a future without him. I saw an old man interacting with his wife in the ER today. He was so concerned and attentive and loving towards her. Not at all what H would be like, or was like when I was in the hospital. I could see myself with someone else who could be that compassionate and wonderful towards me.

And then I listened to a friend talk about celebrating her anniversary, and again, I could see that happening with us. I just need my brain to shut off.

I'm just exhausted. I'm not going to see him until Sunday when I pick up the kids, so I doubt I have an update before then. I'm going to read some other threads, read that site JacT wrote about & maybe read a bit of the DR book. I've got a lot to keep me busy so I don't just sit here & think of reasons to call him.

Bad idea. Bad, bad idea.

[Geomom]

shelbel, I understand your freaking out about the disappearing posts ... definitely messed with my head in my case.

Here's what happened gr8: I had just posted a response to the mysterious user (registered just days before, and this was his/her first post ... suspicious enough right there, yes?) then went back a few minutes later to re-read. I was so confused because my latest post wasn't there, so I tried refreshing the page. Still nothing. Both my latest and the other person's post (it was "Fireball" or "Firebell" from "Salt Lake City") were gone.

Yes, freaky indeed.