I also reccomend exposure to OP's family and ESPECIALLY thier SPOUSE if the OP is married... DEFINITELY there.
The thing is, the OP is attacking your marraige, an aggressive offensive. Exposure is a reverse offensive to take the fight back to THEM. Put them on the defensive and on the run.
If exposure goes well and the friends, family, etc are spurning the cheaters away, then they can only hide in secret on their own... and they will start picking away at each other.
If you get get them outsted from their social circles then you have taken a huge safety zone out of the affair.
Affairs start in secret, but they eventually have to be revealed somehow at sometime.. if you expose it as hurtful while still married, it shames them to the point that the excitement of the affair becomes a frustration instead.. a proverbial monkey on their back.. one which only ENDING the affair can rid them of.
As long as you keep maintaining publically that you will accept your cheating spouse back, and no one will have anythign tod ow ith the OP socially... the spouse has few choices BUT to accept the spouse's offer to repair the marriage and let the OP go.
This is NOT easy to do, you need to organize people AND get them to take a FIRM stand with a loved one... which most people shy away from. You need to be a powerful motivator.
The A has been well and truly exposed - for 3 months. I did it immediately to all sides of family and friends, and H had already fessed to several people when he was in turmoil and feeling guilty.
H is very isolated (partly because half the people that matter to him are 10,000kms away).
Have been working steadily on getting supporters of the M on board to pressure.
My W's family was on board supporting our M and disowning her for her A; but my W responded like a rebellious teenager to their commentary and persuasions. I think my W's dislike for her mother pushed her to act in contrary to my MIL's leanings. Therefore, it was somewhat detrimental toward changing my W's behavior.
However, it did let me know that I was dealing with a stubborn selfish child who does not have a rational thought in her head.
And I've said it before; that my W is a different animal and I don't think DB'ing has had any effect on anyone but me. She's oblivious to any of my changes; except going dim and dark. Her incessant need to be liked by everyone and fear of abandonment pulls her closer to me when I pull away. But if I get too close; she pushes me away again.
If I went 3 months, after pretty hardcore exposure, and going dark/dim, I'd be inclined to do a Full-Monty "Robx" jiu jitsu on him.
Puppy
A what?!
You may need to explain that one to me a little further...!
Btw - pleaded and begged months 1 and 2. Month 3: very DIM.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Just read about 2 out of every 3 of Robx's posts -- they all advocate the same (I think, brilliant) thing! Rarely do people listen, either; he's like John the Baptist out there, eating locusts and honey and hoping someone will just FOLLOW this stuff.
Here, for your convenience, from my "Puppy Archives": (adapt as you see fit)
RobX’s approach:
Sit her down and have a discussion with her. No need to be mad, angry, a$$hole, prick on anything, keep it calm, light but straight forward, direct to the point, etc. Don't make it last more than a few minutes.
You tell her trust is based on actions that are consistent.
You don't trust her because she hasn't been consistent.
You don't trust her because she's been lying to you, in fact you tell her that is what you trust her to continue doing, because she has been lying to your consistently - that's what you can trust.
For you to be able to trust her, she has to build trust. Sure you can trust her blindly and have faith and all that good stuff but honestly how well has that worked up to this point?
Don't ask for for full disclosure.
Do the opposite.
Tell her this:
"... I don't want your cell phone records, I don't want to look at your cell phone text msg's and call history, I don't want your email or fb password, I don't want your voicemail pw. If I have to monitor you 24/7 to force you to be consistent, that won't work for me because that's not what I want or need.
I wanted you to be trustworthy but I don't need you to be anything, truth be told, I'll be just fine without you, I see that now.
From now on I'm moving in this direction, if you want to come along, go ahead, I won't control you and tell you that can or can't come but I can't wait for you anymore and you already know that if you're with the OM, you aren't with me, I'm not settling for anything less than that.
If you really want to be with the OM, I really can't say or do anything to stop that and you should be with him if you're willing to lie so much to me, if you can't be true to me that means he's more important to you than I am and you know what... I'm ok with that because I'm more important to me and that's all that matters - I see that now.
If you wanted to be with me, you knew that you had alot of trust to rebuild and that's only through consistent action and I'm through with pressuring you to be my wife, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and that's pretty much what it looks like to me so let's stop playing games: you go and be with the OM, I'm ok with that, in fact I'm better than OK, I'm awesome because I'm finally being honest with myself about all of this and that includes being honest about who you are and where you are right now. I know what I'm worth and I've been settling for less for too long.
I can't wait for you anymore, I've spent enough time waiting for you to do the right thing and I know that doesn't work because I would probably have to wait forever and still not get what I wanted. So you can do what you want, be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy and I'm going to start wanting something better for me."
No being mean, spiteful, vindictive, you let her go. No more discussions, arguments, no more talks about lies, no more sneaking around behind your back, she can do what she wants but you are letting her go to do what she wants to do but at the same time, you are now allowing yourself to be free of this crappy limbo place you've been living in for so long.
Bro, if she wants to be with you, she'll be with you, no amount of a$$ kissing, sneaking, snooping, being mean, angry, standing tall, etc. is going to change that.
You be the best gosh darn example of a MAN for you and for you only. If she wants this great MAN that you are in her life, she'll pursue you and do what it takes to be a part of that.
You need to respect yourself first, that's the first step and letting go of your wife her untrustworthy ways to establish that your self-respect, dignity and integrity are the most important things in your life is what you NEED and WANT to do. You know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth and let go of the things that are worthy of you - starting feeling your personal value, know it, resonate with it, live it. You are worth better than what she is giving you right now, if you don't set that boundary, you'll allow her to do this to you forever and who could respect that?
Otherwise continue playing this game and you'll be playing this chase & pursue game, pushing & pulling for the rest of your life.
Time to get off the merry go round, this ride isn't that fun anymore.
Puppy, Allen, Chatter- HELP! I don't mean to be a pain or dramatic but Onthemountaintop has a suicidal wife and I think he is not taking it seriously. If I am reading right he is stating he wants to go back to his porn to see if she is that serious? Can I be reading this correctly? He seems to regard her as of lesser intelligence and unattractive. Honestly some of his words are confusing to me. If I read correctly- his wife left for 5 hours yesterday and was going to commit suicide but couldn't do it b/c of the children. Chatter knows about the sitch- it gets worse and worse. OTMT needs some serious guidance that you experts can give I believe. I am alarmed.
Again- I am so sorry to be a pest here.....please forgive me.
Thanks so much!
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
