Losing Desire to Reconcile

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Hello DBers.

I have been here for some time. I have been DB for 5 months now and I have not seen a change in W. I feel great about myself and worked hard at GAL. I like the new me and since am not seeing any change or response from W, I'm thinking of moving on myself.

Has any others felt this way?

Our only contact has been when we exchange the kids and she seems depressed. She doesn't look her best either. Her mood and lack of visual appeal has made me unattracted to her.

Is it time for me to cut loose???

Or should I give in more time???
thanks

[dday101798]

Sure, I'll guarentee each and every LBS here has felt the same way when they have felt this for the FIRST time.

Hmmm, why did I capitalize "first" you ask?

Because it won't be the last. Is it time for you to cut loose? Yes, if you mean in the sense detachment. No, in the sense of, well, you can figure that for yourself.

I'm sorry, 5 months is the point where the tensions are merely not on a day to day basis for most. You're only at calm moment in the ride, hang on, more hills and valleys are yet to come.

[LolaL]

It really has to be your decision. It depends on how much patience you have, and if you really think your marriage is worth saving. It is different from person to person. I have been at this for two and a half years. It is a roller coaster, and you will ask yourself this many times.

I can tell you this, if you are not sure, you are not ready. When you are done, you will know it, and you won't have to ask.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

thanks for the insight. i know its only been 5 months and thats not that long. i think W has finally realized the ramifications of her decision. she told a friend she has been repressing the situation. W says shes going to goto IC. as for me i will continue to work on me.

she doesnt talk about D but doesnt show sign of working on us.

i guess she is the one who is now behind in the process.

[dday101798]

i guess she is the one who is now behind in the process.

And this is exactly what I said earlier to someone else: it may seem that way to you now, and for a nano second your W is going to freak out and realize she's not the one calling the shots anymore on the fate of everything as she thought she'd have full control.

And she will come back crying.

And you will cave.

And she will have the control all over again.

And you, will be back at square one.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

She may want to come back after she wakes up but if I don't see any changes in her, she won't be welcome. I do not want to have the same relationship as before. Quite frankly since she is the one moping I don't feel this is a person I would ask out on a date.

I have accepted the fault of my own, she has yet to realize hers.

It seems like the roles are being reversed. I seem to be planning my "escape" from her. Selling the house and moving on.
I know that will be a "bomb" for her.

If I didn't have two little ones my decisions might be different.

tick tock

[dday101798]

If I didn't have two little ones my decisions might be different.

I missed that part. Not overall important, but none the less a key factor.

I have personally learned and will continue to preach, the day you truly become the WAS is the day things will see dramamtic changes.

Reality is, you are not in this long enough to be at that point, or there's other factors that you're not telling us that make it so.

Your W's moping? All par for the course and on target with the WAS handbook. If you continue to tread along as I'm about to tell you, I guarentee, but warn you as I have in my prior post, you will get a reaction out of your W, what you chose to do with it is yours. Point is, yes checking yourself out of the M is perhaps the best thing you can do for you to end the pain and confusion for you and do things you need to do for you, just question "how far should I really go with this?".

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Reality is, you are not in this long enough to be at that point, or there's other factors that you're not telling us that make it so.
Point is, yes checking yourself out of the M is perhaps the best thing you can do for you to end the pain and confusion for you and do things you need to do for you, just question "how far should I really go with this?".[/quote]

Thanks DDay I know I'm early in the process and I have been talking to a DB coach. After each session I felt great and motivated to reconcile except after the last session. I didn'r feel my efforts were being noticed. I do feel like giving up sometimes but always bounced back in my efforts. Not so the past few days.

Maybe next week I'll feel differently.

We do have a mutual friend and that friend told me if she came back she would have to give up her new friends.
W connect with an old girl friend on facebook and she's divorced and lives the "party life"
I think the wife felt as if she was missing out.

I thought her friend influenced her decision to leave but she denies it. Funny how a stay at home mom who suddenly gets a new job and friends can leave so easily.

I know we had problems but to go from an argument to "I'm leaving" seems to be skipping a lot of steps.

I don't blame her for leaving but I think she handle the situation incorrectly.

Sorry for rambling and to get back to the quote,

How for is too far where there's no chance??

Do I continue to GAL and not be concerned with W and M? This might show her I don't care and she won't improve herself.
Too much contact might be pursuing and make me look bad.

I guess the saying goes " Everything in Moderation"

Charlie Brown-- UUHHHHGGGGGGG!!

[rr22]

I understand where you're coming from. I'm feeling like giving up now due to my H's continuing odd behavior. I also feel unrecognized for my positive changes. I also just want out from under the stress of this situation. My IC said last week that it had been and would continue to be hard on me to watch my H fall apart. Maybe that is part of what you are going through with your frustration with what you call your wife's "mopeyness". I do know I said the exact same thing you said in your post this week: I would not have gone out on a second date with a guy who acts the way my H does now. A startling revelation, but I'm still hoping for a turnaround. Especially since it's out of character for him. Maybe it will be for your wife too. When she goes for counseling, it's not a quick process, however. Not to discourage you. Just for a dose of reality. Maybe some of your anger is coming out now too. By the way, I got my bomb this summer. So our timeline is similar.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I do know I said the exact same thing you said in your post this week: I would not have gone out on a second date with a guy who acts the way my H does now. A startling revelation, but I'm still hoping for a turnaround


rr22, I hear you. IT's funny how I was given "chances" to change without knowing they were chances. Now I feel I am giving W chances to change and I'm not seeing anything.

I know we lack communication and I know my faults. It does take two to communicate and I feel she isn't taking responsibility for her faults.

I get along great with her family. Her Dad friended me on facebook this week but I haven't decided if I want to have him on my list. - Any thoughts on this???

I did remove her cousins today from my friends list.

She removed my sisters after she dropped the bomb.

My oldest girl will start school in the fall and that will change our situation again.
I think it will benfit me b/c W works second shift.