Ok so last night may have been a frame shift. don't know. trying to stay grounded.
so as you all may or may not know I have been at least outwardly calm and consistent for one week with W. She has taken notice. I wrote the email two days ago that said how much I appreciated how she is trying to give me a chance, and how hard that must be given how I hurt her over the years. well, she said this was "a shift in the universe"
she has been consistent w me over the last few days too. the inconsistencies have been largely my own demons filling in the gaps.
she skyped me w the boys last night, she blew me a kiss, got misty and said, "this is hard... it wasn't hard seeing you before". she said she had some things she wanted to share w me later and could she call me back... of course I said... half expecting her not too..
so she did, and said for the first time she is feeling things she hasn't felt in a long long time. when I called in the morning she said her heart rate didn't go up with anxiety like it did before... she actually rushed to get the phone becuase she wanted to talk to me.
she said she was looking forward to me coming up this weekend (hadn't said that before).
we skyped and "hung out" and watched the lost premiere for an hour and a half.
so it was pretty amazing in some ways. she said she is still unsure if this is for real and half expects me to go back to being the way I was tomorrow... of course I will not.
is this the crack of daylight I have been waiting for? I don't know. for the first time I felt some real sincerity coming through there. I saw her old eyes. She said some things she hasn't said...
so I will stay grounded, stay cool... its interesting. I'm actually not jumping up and down with joy or anything because its like I am such a beat dog that I don't know how to feel that way yet. but the flicker of hope is a dangerous thing I feel in some ways...
Tough day for me. Not much going on at work. Alone in weird town... she is up there, with the boys, lots of friends... probably hanging at OM's house with our boys hanging with his boys. could be that OM's wife is there.. .but this morning she said she felt all the pain from the past and was expecting me to be the "rollercoaster" again... one interpretation is she was feeling the pre-guilt of going over there, knowing that it would bother me, and knowing that she would not want to tell me she was there.
Yesterday was so great. I tried not to allow it to affect me but now I have gone the last 6 hours of today with no contact from her... and I have not tried to contact her. she holds all the cards. she is, I know, anxious about me today.
tough tough day... tough when she blows me kisses, says she is starting to feel things... then backs way up.
perhaps my attentive response to her is too attentive. I respond to her thoughtful emails with thoughtful emails in kind. perhaps I need to just validate and get out.
again... last night felt like we were moving somewhere. today feels like the old way... having a hard time focusing on other things.
snow storm hitting on friday. want to go up there tomorrow so I can be there for the weekend... taking a flight out of there to visit a friend... if I don't leave tomorrow I probably wouldn't be able to get there till saturday or sunday... but I know she doesn't really want me coming up there. tough since she has the kids.
half expects me to go back to being the way I was tomorrow... of course I will not.
The time you spend here...the time you spend as an LBS, working on yourself, and making life changes for you; that time is what fixes those changes to a lifestyle.
Right now, those are good changes, but they are changes. When they become you, the way you are, then they are for real.
Time is your ally in this.
If she came back tomorrow, I'd expect you'd revert back to old ways.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 02/03/1011:17 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Not much going on at work. Alone in weird town... she is up there, with the boys, lots of friends... probably hanging at OM's house with our boys hanging with his boys. could be that OM's wife is there..
I know how hard this is but please don't do this.
You have to practice some thought stopping here. You have no idea what is really going on. Your mind can be and will be your worst enemy if you allow it to be.
probably hanging at OM's house with our boys hanging with his boys.
kill your monsters.
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but this morning she said she felt all the pain from the past and was expecting me to be the "rollercoaster" again...
So she is telling you her fears.
Prove her wrong.
Be consistent.
Asking you directly Bradley, Would you want to be around a person who was caring one day and cold the other? Not counting your MLC wife, she gets a pass. Say a 'normal' person. Would you?
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again... last night felt like we were moving somewhere. today feels like the old way...
This happens. Enjoy the good moments, but do not expect them to last to tomorrow.
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having a hard time focusing on other things.
Just because it is hard doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Hard times define us, shape us. Easy times make us round.
You asked Playstation or Xbox.
Xbox 360.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
