Good day Sue, I'm sorry to hear about the ring. I know its hard to accept and keep a PMA about it. I reacted poorly when my W took hers off. I took it as a sign she no longer want to work on M, and she didn't deny it either. I had made such a big stink about her not wearing her ring that even today, when she takes it off because her fingers swell, she seeks me out to apoligize for taking them off ... even though I have told it is unnecessary for her to do so.
Sue, you did a fine job of "breaking the ice". Let him absorb it for a while and try to come up with ways to encourage him to open up more about what he feels he needs to straighten out. Related to that, you may want to ask, "What is he focusing on?" "What does he feel he needs to make better?" "What does he feel are good parts?", etc...
Try to shift the conversation to where you are doing less talking and he is doing more.
BTW, what was his mood when he left? How did he seem to respond about having the discusion?
Thanks for all the support...I am feeling pretty good>>despite the fact that I did not sleep much last night...a cold!! I usually have no trouble sleeping..even with all this stuff going on, but last night..
H was in a pretty good mood when he left...I told him I really did not want to go to our video club this weekend, as they are doing some goofy thing with your favorite movie...I need a break from the one guy there who talks wayyyy too much..h stated that he might go to a church conference on becoming a lay leader...do you suppose seminary is next??!!!(remember he said when he was 6 he wanted to be a minister) He has all these different plans to go to weekend things involving the church...I wish I would have said "that sounds great, or "you would be great at that", but no, since I don't think to compliment I did not, guess I can next time I see him. I posted over on MLC about how our minister encourages him to do things for himself, not what other people want, and I got a response that said she is directing him the wrong way and that I should encourage him to find "male" minister to steer him in the right direction.That really bothered me...also hearts blessing responded that all this is about him...that I have nothing to do with why he left, or felt the need to...I guess I disagree a little...our actions and reactions over the years certainly play a part in all of this. Just seemed like all that post was bashing my h for leaving and feeling like he does. Sorry, just had to vent..maybe I just did not want to hear all that. anyway...have a great night, I am going to bed early Sue
sometimes it is an mlc and sometimes it is just the compilation of a the little things that we did or didn't do in our r that have led them out the door.
I see nothing wrong in the minister telling h to do these things for himself and not what others want...it is like telling him to do what he needs to do to make sure that what he does he does because it is what will truly make him happy not just doing things to be the "good guy" or because it is what others want. I believe I read you say that h is/was always doing things for others and perhaps it is possible that in always trying to do for others and keep others happy that he has lost some of himself and that is all the minister is trying to show him??
in anycase I would recommend that if reading in the mlc forum is bringing you down to not read there. I know that I've avoided the infidelity section because I'd rather not here the nitty gritty stories of affairs when I am trying to deal with h's a as being simply an ea.
do you really think h is in a mlc anyway??? yes he is on a journey but it need not be an mlc journey.
if complimenting h is not something you did before then try to keep it in mind when an opportunity arises to do so.
Quote: I posted over on MLC about how our minister encourages him to do things for himself, not what other people want, and I got a response that said she is directing him the wrong way and that I should encourage him to find "male" minister to steer him in the right direction.
Well, we all know that our Ses cannot continue their same patterns and be with us until they truly review their feelings and do something about them. It requires significant reflection...of which many of us have already done. Most of us are a BIG step ahead of our Ses and understand certain things that they have not yet realized. I think, in a way, although we can help "guide" them sometimes, it's really up to them to make the changes that are necessary to make them happy. We have no control.
And yes, we've all contributed in some way to the demise of our Rs. It would be foolhardy to not admit our own shortcomings. Yet, we're trying to change that dynamic. By changing that dynamic, hopefully we can lead (by example) our Ses.
Oh you guys always lift my spirits and just help to make this road a little easier to follow.. Thanks, LL, I just usually need to hear it,h has always been the nice guy, always been patient, kind, and yes, has done many things for/with me that he probably did not want to do....I have reflected back and seen all the good things and times we have had, I hope that he can too..so he really wants to find himself, as he is saying, and I just am beginning to understand that he needs to.
Jethro, I do feel better, slept ok too..I am not so sure that I am really ahead of what h feels or needs to "find", but I have not experienced the feelings that he is, the "who am I"...and who really has the right to judge that they are wrong or strange or bad because they do have issues to work on...
Since my "light bulg" thing on Monday, and the short talk we had, I have felt 100% better about me, us...and h has called several times at work(about other things), but I hear a more relxed tone from him, as I am more upbeat.So how we take care of ourselves definatly rubs offs on others. I was at church tonight for a meeting, and h was there working and a few of us had a neat discussion afterwards..he was so calm and upbeat.The old h I once knew! night Sue
Hi, not much new...saw h ar church today from a distance, but then he left..oh well, he wants his space...went over to mil last night for supper and played some games with his family..seems different not to have him there...oh well, he needs his space..am going to a friends tonight for super bowl..seems strange to go alone. But I am surviving!! Keep warm everyone... Sue
I understand how strange it can feel to spend time with the in-laws without h, I spent a lot of time with mine (all differing sections too) over the summer and actually found it to be more comfortable that way...then I was not so focussed on what h was doing and could just relax and enjoy their company. in-fact I found that I was spending much more time than normal with them simply because the invites we used to always get I would have to check with h's availability but over the summer if there was an invite it was me and the kids so I could accept more. seems h nocticed it too but didn't realize the true reason for the "extra" time...any way I'm rambling now..
yes h needs his space, let him have it and with time he may realize that the "space" he is seeking does not have to involve so much space from you.
Sorry I've been a stranger. I really have to limit my time on the BB. I find that it can consume me, and so I don't get around to friends like I used to.
I'm just getting caught up on recent developments. I applaud your "light bulb moment" and conversation with H. You may very well look back at this a few months from now and see it as a turning point.
We are told over and over that detachment is the key to DB. It takes some of us a long time for that to sink in and even longer to actually become good at it. Hell, some of us don't ever get it. For me, it took months and months of anguish...headaches, sleepless nights, long walks, practically living on the BB...before I got it.
One of the biggest hurdles most of us face...the hardest thing to accept...is that we can only do so much. It only takes one spouse to end a marriage, but it takes both to make it work. No amount of effort from you and you alone can put your M back together. He has to do his part, and if he's not ready yet, there's nothing you can do about it. He has to want to come back to you, and all you can do is to try to attract him back. That pretty much makes you an interested bystander, which is what loving detachment is all about.
Quote: through the tears I said that I am learning that I will be ok, and that I can go on with life...do things with out him...
You have left him no doubt that you love him, and that the door is open for him. Now he has to take the initiative. You can make that door as attractive and inviting as you like, but it's up to him whether he will walk through it.
Detach as much as you can from your emotional rollercoaster, and concentrate on self-improvement. Working on yourself, making those changes and adjustments that you need to make, is the best way of attracting him back. Showing him that you can live happily without him will make you all the more attractive. Isn't it human nature to want what we don't have? It will also make you appear calm and confident, and as so many others have agreed across the BB, confidence is extremly attractive.
I think you are doing very well. Detachment is an easy concept to understand, but a very hard one to implement. Remember that situations can change almost overnight. When I finally detached from my W's alien behaviors, things began to change within a few weeks. Sometimes change takes a lot longer, sometimes it doesn't happen at all. Sometimes it takes so long, we decide it's not worth the effort anymore and we give up. Decide what is best for you, and don't worry about your H's state of mind, because it's out of your hands. Remember the Serenity Prayer...accept the things that you cannot change.
Morning...thanks for your words of wisdom...LL, i am doing good..it does seem to go in waves though...as you well know.It is strange as I talk to some of my friends and family,they just don't get what it is I am doing...They don't understand how I can be happy and feel good about me and things that are happeneing...they don't say it, but I feel like they are saying.."get rid of him, he left so he's no good..They just don't get it..and maybe in the end that is what I will do, but I will ahve known that I tried...and for me and especially our kids, that will have been worth it all. Robert..I know what you mean about the bb consuming you...I come here to share good and bad days, sometimes just to ramble...we have to balance it all... The detaching thing is hard to do, easy to say..I am learning that for right now h needs the time and space for whatever...that when and if he is ready,it will have be the two of us together to mend the pieces. I have spent the last months trying so hard to keep it all together thinking that it will all mend even with him gone...wrong..he has to want to be a part of it. Then I think, well, if our spouses don't have the resources we have had, they won't know how to start to mend it, they will be as ny friends are, "Guess it did not work, so d is the only solution" I don't know some days..We'll all just keep plugging along. Take care Sue
Quote: It is strange as I talk to some of my friends and family,they just don't get what it is I am doing...They don't understand how I can be happy and feel good about me and things that are happening.
Then I think, well, if our spouses don't have the resources we have had, they won't know how to start to mend it.
This really is the crux of things, isn't it? Our friends don't understand what we are doing because they are not on the "path" of self discovery like we are. Our Ses don't understand how to fix things because, they too, are not on a path to self discovery (even though they think they are). Our self discovery shows itself to our friends, family, and Ses in different ways... I have found in my sitch that my W is curious and encouraged enough about my changes that she is willing to read some of the books I've been reading to get my head straight. She's not totally into it or anything, but the curiosity is there. However, ultimately, our Ses have to come to the party...
