See hope, want to get there

[Can't give up]

robx, Gno

Thanks. Have realized trying to plan, lay out too far ahead. Need to narrow down to steps as they come.

Gno, robx, you have both laid out the guidelines that make sense, get results.

When W first asnwered demand to not return if affair still going, it was easy for her to say "I THINK I can live with that." She left it open ended, no obligation. When I replied "Let me know when you are sure", she now has to give a definate answer. She didn't like that.

Meantime, still concerned with trip. Working on another option. Don't think there would be a porblem as S24 would be there. What causes me concern that W changed ticket from her trip without my opinion, leaving me an a$$ if I didn't pick her up. Something she could use through the girls, family to make me look bad. I want to eliminate as much fuel as I can, so shes has nothing to encourage any one else to keep the fire going.

W knew the long drive, how much time she could talk, while I'm busy driving. Having planned to leave for business Monday, I've simply moved it up. I leave now from the airport I pick W up from, 2 hours later. Simply routed return flight back to here.

W can drive back w/S24 and grandson. Will give maybe 1 hour for lunch with the four of us. She already has my no option demand if she wants to come back to this house. Now it's up to her.

With Gno's help, have basic boundaries ready to present, if she decides here.

Thanks for dropping in robx, right on time. Working on details of boundaries, and Flowchart. Any insight would help.

[robx]

When W first asnwered demand to not return if affair still going, it was easy for her to say "I THINK I can live with that." She left it open ended, no obligation. When I replied "Let me know when you are sure", she now has to give a definate answer. She didn't like that.

This is good, very good in fact.
Know this, women test men, she wants to know that you're a strong man, she can commit to a strong man, she can't commit to a weak man. You can stand up to her, in fact it's a requirement at this point.

Standing up to her shows that you are strong.
If you can't stand up to her, when could you ever stand up for her if this was ever required. She needs to know you're stronger than her, if you aren't, you won't be with her, I guarantee you this.

That was a very good response on your part.

Let it be now.

Don't call or text her, let her text you.
Maintain the distance and your happy life, it's a requirement.

Remember she will test you, push you, see if you're faking or not, no backsliding allowed whatsoever.

You can do, I have faith in you.
Now the real requirement is you believing in yourself to be able to be the strong man.

[robx]

maintain your distance as I mentioned and allow her to pursue,
if she wants to be with you, she really will do all the work that's required, she'll be the one trying to convince you, she'll be the one making it easy on you, she'll have the cheery attitude, she'll try to put her best foot forward, she'll present herself in an attractive way, she will work for it.

If you make it easy for her, she won't have to put in the effort which means it's too easy and has no real value, we are used to working for things that have value. YOU have value.

Maintain your distance like I said, let her pursue you, she talk relationship talk, you won't bring it up whatsoever (you heard me right?), you can answer her calls but take your time, in fact let her call a few times, just tell her you were busy or your cell was in your jacket pocket or in another room charging, don't respond to the texts within 5 min., wait a bit, take your time.

Think about it, waiting for her texts made you anxious, "why isn't she replying, it's been xx minutes already?!" Do you see how it makes you feel to wait? That is reality. Reality works, use reality.

[Gnosis]

Meantime, still concerned with trip. Working on another option.

I hope you can find one...

Don't think there would be a porblem as S24 would be there. What causes me concern that W changed ticket from her trip without my opinion, leaving me an a$$ if I didn't pick her up.

May I suggest this option? Oops... somethings come up... a business opportunity. Sorry, not going to make it this weekend. W, I'm so glad you're there to look after grandson. Have fun. I'll try come down next weekend.

Your W is a master manipulator isn't she? Look at what she's doing to you... making you live in fear. Here you are worried about looking like an a$$... ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Come on D! That's ridiculous.

Something she could use through the girls, family to make me look bad. I want to eliminate as much fuel as I can, so shes has nothing to encourage any one else to keep the fire going.

Nope... you're looking at this the wrong way. Your kids are going to respect you for not putting up with her crap. If they say anything... you have your response ready: "She found her own way and funds to leave this house to pursue her lover, so now she can find her own way home."

And if they think you look like an a$$ for standing your ground then they are the idiots. I think you should use those same words with your W because she still thinks you're the sucker to be played with. That she is smarter than you and will ALWAYS get her way.

You need to make a stand for your self-respect sometime D. This would be the ideal time.... i.e. before she even makes it home.

Having planned to leave for business Monday, I've simply moved it up. I leave now from the airport I pick W up from, 2 hours later.

Can you see how she is still pulling your strings? Here you are having to bend backwards and modify your life and schedules to comply to her decisions... AGAIN. If you don't change this D you're back to before your started.

Simply routed return flight back to here. W can drive back w/S24 and grandson. Will give maybe 1 hour for lunch with the four of us.

OK, decent enough work-around, but I still maintain what I said above.

She already has my no option demand if she wants to come back to this house. Now it's up to her.

You want to know what's going to happen? She's not going to give you an answer. She'll hop into the car and whistle merrily all the way home. Boundary broken... wasted energy... and DISCREDIT to you.

[mindfull]

Dale, I think you're getting there! The workaround sounds good.

She still doesn't know about S24 coming along for the trip, right?
She still thinks it's YOU picking her up, along w/grandson, and driving back home?

She's going to sh#t when you show up w/S24, have lunch, and then leave for your business trip! (Trust me guys, I'm a girl...) She may not pitch a fit in front of S24, but she will be pitching one inside! How dare he alter MY plans? How dare he SHUN me? I'm coming home, AREN'T I????

I don't know... I like it.

Be ready for some serious discussions when you return. When do you return home? Will you have access to "us" while gone?

[Can't give up]

MF,,Gno

W doesn't know about either S24 or business trip at this point.

No, W hasn't answered yet. She either will, or she won't. She knows I was serious, and the conditon to come home.

[mindfull]

Good!!!! (On the knowledge or lack of!)

[mindfull]

Good!!!! (On the knowledge or lack of!)

[Can't give up]

G.

W has no doubt I was serious, if she gives no answer, she would end @ FIL or D21, each 40-45 munutes. But she wouldn't come back to this house without answering.

[mindfull]

Dale, logistically, how can you handle that? You'll be on a business trip?