Question... I am starting to regret that I am just letting go with husband or OW having no repurcussions. OW is not married and lives about 9 hours away from husband and I so they have a long distance affair. I feel like dropping the rope (which I am doing) and exposure is what I should have done. At least there would have been more crisis than there is now. Right now my husband seems fine that I am finally going along with the divorce and breaking our rental lease. These are all things that he wanted from the beginning but that I was stopping him from.
Should I expose or is it to late to do that? And if I do expose his affair which I know is still going on even after he admitted it to me, no one else knows about it except for my parents. I have contact information for the OW's father. I have his work number. Is it appropriate to expose to her parents. I know that if it was me having an affair and someone told my parents they would give me an earful but I am not sure how much pressure they would be able to put on me.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
I'm going to circle back and read your original thread, but thought you deserved a response first.
I am in a similar boat with the OW being unmarried. I fully intend to expose her R with my H to her parents. It is hard to say whether or not this will "do" anything in regards to your M. Her father may not put any pressure on her at all. When I took my ex OM home on vacation to my parents' house the only stipulation they had was we couldn't sleep in the same room. So no, don't get your hopes up that her dad will straighten her out. But maybe it's something he should know about your H. I mean, what kind of father wants a married man fooling with his daughter?
Advice on when and whether to expose the A is varied. But I suppose one of my questions is this - what do you stand to lose by it at this point? He's already going forward with D it sounds like. My other is this - why have you not exposed the A to anyone but your parents, but now really want to expose it to hers as well?
Ok, going to go read your original thread and come back.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Alright, I fibbed. I tracked back to your original threads, but haven't read them all yet. You are totally worth reading from beginning to end, but I don't have the time. Could you give me a synopsis?
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Is it appropriate to expose to her parents. I know that if it was me having an affair and someone told my parents they would give me an earful but I am not sure how much pressure they would be able to put on me.
I did (exposed to OM's parents). But it was:
- immediately;
- he LIVED with them still (at age 28 -- how pathetic);
- he was STUDYING TO BECOME A COP (imagine!), and I felt they may want to be aware that their son's behavior was jeopardizing his career, as the policy academy had such strict "conduct unbecoming" rules and such.
Can't say as it did anything. They never even contacted me after they got my letter.
If their affair has been going on this long, I don't think I'd bother, and I'm as pro-exposure as anyone here on these boards. What would you really accomplish? If it were a SPOUSE, I'd say they definitely deserve to not be the only one of the four people affected to NOT know, but parents???
undefeated thx for the reply...my story is kind of all over the place but here is a quick overview:
Dated: 1999 through July 2008 (long distance the entire time)
While Dating: Husband and I both had a few instances of straying (just sex) but my last time cheating was 2004. We were starting to get serious and talk about our future. I told hiim about it, he took it hard but forgave me.
Dec 2005 through Feb 2007: Husband cheated on me and started a relationship with a girl from his college. They had broke it off and I didn't find out about their relationship until she ended up pregnant. She didn't tell my husband (then boyfriend) for several months because she moved back to her homestate.
August 2007: Husband proposes to me
Sept. 2007: Husband finds out about OW being pregnant
Oct 2007: Husband tells me about OW being pregnant...he was scared, etc. We start counseling to determine if we should still get married, can I handle this, how to deal with this betrayal, etc.
Jan 2008: step-son is born. husband and I are still in counseling but have built a better relationship and worked out a parenting plan and how contact with OW would be handled and visitation with son.
April 2008: our last counseling session. We are tighteer than ever but I still bring up OW from time to time given certain triggers.
July 2008: we marry (still living long distance)
Sept 2008: Find out I am pregnant
Nov 2008: husband and I go visit his son for the first time and I meet OW. We are cordial with each other and even hug each other goodbye. later on find out that husband feels like he has unresolved feelings from the relationship but assures me that it is just feelings that he will deal with. I become insecure and start bringing up their old relationship again.
Dec 2008: husband moves to my state.
Xmas 2008: husband's job wants us to relocate to a state where we know no one.
Jan 2009: husband starts new job at company and we relocate 6 hours from our fam and friends
Jan 2009: find text messages between husband and OW. I was supicious due a change in attitude from husband. I confront him and her(via phone) and told them to stop. husband is angry about my snooping and says he feels trapped.
Jan 2009 - Oct 2009: off an on me leaving to go to homestate because he needs space and I need support to take care of newborn without all the stress.
Oct 2009 - I leave for a month after husband goes to visit OW and brings his son back to stay with us without even telling me beforehand. During month away my husband says he misses me, calls all the time. I come back and we are good for a week until we see our marriage counselor. Husband retreats back to cold distant self after i cried in marriage counseling because he said he still wanted a divorce.
Nov 2009 - OW sends a love letter to my husband on his birthday about how she is happy this is his last bday apart from her.
thanksgiving 2009 - husband goes to see son and OW. doesn't tell me and just jets out thanksgiving morning christmas 2009 - husband goes to see son and OW again.
Jan 2010 - i leave for 3 weeks but had planned on staying away longer but didn't feel like running anymore. came back to our apt and decided to act as if and drop the rope. I made an appointment for mediation to husband's suprise and wrote a letter to end our lease so that husband can stop threatening me with leaving in april to get his own place. now he has no choice!!
sorry so long but that is our entire history summed up
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
thx puppy....glad you chimed in as i had been reading your responses to mb28 and they got me to thinking. I realize that one of my huge problems is not staying the course. my current course is one where i am steering the ship towards divorce and forcing my husband to have to get his own apartment but i still have uneasiness as to moving on. It is hard that we still live together and have our moments of laughter and it sometimes makes me want them back BUT minus OW and minus LIES...
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
Hi, just dropping by the old neighbourhood! Should you expose OP to her parents or whoever? I say, what for? She'll tell her parents that your marriage has been over for years, he was only living with you to a)spare the kids b)you're so fragile blah blah blah. Somehow, he'll come out of it smelling like roses. Will it help you in winning your spouse back? Absolutely not! It just gives him another reason to hate you and that seldom creates reconciliation. I say, you take care of you, forget revenge etc. It takes too much energy and I'll bet you need all you've got to take care of yourself right now. That's my two cents. All the best.
Hey 4luv Hope you had a good day, and that goes for everyone here. Looking at it the way Puppy puts it, I have to agree.
Let us know how you're doing!
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Exposure to a person really depends on the kind of person they are.
If you have an OW who is attacking your home... her parents RAISED her... I don't think you can expect much good to come from them. Good parenting raises people to respect other people's homes, not trod over them like dirt. The OW parents raised her with her values... it makes me doubtful they would put much pressure on.
HOWEVER.. this WOULD take the battle to the OW's court... put her on the defensive. If you go to HER work, HER family home, her FRIENDS and expose it will give her a taste of what she's doing.. That in some cases may help... it really depends on the people involved.
Your H is in a terribly awful position, but its a bed he made for himself. I honeslty wouldn't tolerate any visitation of H with OW without a chaperone who is marriage-friendly to you. That would be my first boundary. The SECOND is that the OW does NOT need to be at your H's visitation with his son... this CAN all be done via intermediaries... its not and that increases risk.
Your husband has trouble saying no and making decisions... That's obvious. I am going to say the same thing here as I think I already covered in mb28's thread.
STATE your position. Then LEAVE. Do NOT repeat the position... this guy WANTS to connect with you, even if its a fight he gets an emotional reaction from you and that's what he's looking for. Do NOT give him that. Give him silence.
If he pesters you ... LEAVE the HOME... call a friend and tell them what he's doing
example :
YOU : Hi Sharon. Yes he's lying again and it's stressing me out. He's supposed to be protecting our home he's my husband. This woman is trying to break us up and he's not stopping her. It hurts so damn bad. Can I come over there for a while? I want to feel safe and while this woman's attacking our home and family I don't feel safe here. Hopefully H will realize he's made a commitment and will send this woman away. Right now I just need to feel safe and I need help.
Ignore your H, he will interrupt the call or try... just get OUT of there... silence is all you offer.
You state your position once, maybe twice until you are sure he's heard it... after that..do NOT repeat it..he's just trying to get an emotional reaction... don't give him one. Emotional distance is the key...
if he wants that connection, he needs to man-up. And he will pursue you to get it... just hold onto it and don't let him have it. MEN are much better at distance and the silent treatment usually, so you have a disadvantage here... don't let him exploit that... state your case and then SHUT OFF the channel... WALK AWAY.
thx for the advice. I have been implementing since reading your posts but I must say that you are completely correct in that Men are MUCH better at the silent treatment than women. IT is very hard to do the silent treatment, especially when we have been snowed in...ARGHHH!!! I haven't been COMPLETELY silent as I do answer him if it is general question about dinner, playing with our 9 month old son, etc. Am I doing this right or should i be completely silent? My husband REALLY likes games and playing mind games so I am not so sure if being completely silent is the way to go??? however, I am not a man and have no claim to know how the male brain works...I just know that if my husband would take it to the extreme and I am not sure if I could "beat him" being completely silent.
I did mess up today when husband asked if i wanted something from the store...i told him "no, i am fine and I don't know how much money is in the bank." That set husband off because last week i changed my online bank login so that he didn't have access to my personal account and he harped on the fact that we couldn't see how much was in the bank because i was mean spirited and changed my passcode. he said by me doing that he REALLY knew that our marriage was done! I did reply to him saying "I simply changed my password and that has nothing to do with our marriage. I told you that I was doing it and didn't know that it would lock our account." I stopped from saying anything else becuase of thought of the post from Allen and was kicking myself for opening my mouth at all.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
