What copies of documents should I give my S?

[brknheart]

I am in the process of moving out and getting paperwork ready for the mediator. For those who have been thru a D, which documents did you give copies of to your S? The ones off the top of my head are tax and medical. Rather than give electronic copies to my W, I am going to print copies and black out personal info like SS#. I also need to go through pictures, both digital and hard copies. This will probably be one of the hardest things to do in this process, both emotionally and time wise. If anyone has any tips on this, please post.

[Gypsy]

One step at a time.

Stay in the present.

Focus on the mediation.

All the paperwork will happen in due time.

[Bridgestone]

From my experience our mediator did not want the tax stuff, my lawyer did to get a perspective of income between my StBX & myself. But we had an unusual situation.

There was no need for medical information for the mediation nor really tax stuff.
What they (each of our lawyers & the mediator) wanted were:

1- Most current bank statements of all accounts: checking, savings, loans, lines of credit, etc
2- Most recent credit card statements of all accounts
3- Most recent valuation of real estate (may have to pay for an appraisal)
4- Most recent valuation of retirement accounts, pension funds, mutual funds, investments
5- Most recent valuation of life insurance
6- Copy of mortgage and most recent statement of balance
7- copies of most recent pay stubs
8- Inventory of safety deposit box
9- Valuation of cars
10- Vaulation of household goods (at 'garage sale' prices)
11- Children's college savings accounts
12- Valuation of any business assets

even though they wanted copies of all this.. they still expected us to 'total' the numbers to put on a line for them... it really was just about what is the asset vs. the debt column when it really came down to it.. and "It" is a long process.

Since I have my StBX's SS# memorized & vice versa, blackening it out was not something I considered.

Before I moved out I took copies the past 10 years of business records, the past 5 years of tax returns, copies of business agreements, life insurance policies, bank account & credit card numbers, and any other pertinant financial information I thought I would not have easy access to if things got really ugly later.

Good luck.
Bridge

[brknheart]

Thanks Bridgestone.

I need to call the mediator again to see if they can email me a list of things they require, similar to what you posted. They said it normally takes 4 hour session, at a rate of $700 ($350 per person).

[nikblondiew]

Brokenheart,

My thoughts are with you, I'm sure this is painful to do. I think I may find myself in this same position

Let us know how things go.

[iwantittowork]

Hey brkneart,

Have you been to the first mediation meeting yet? I would wait to give her what is required/asked for by mediator before handing it over.

Start collecting it for yourself, so you know where you are financially, but the mediator will have a good understanding of what is required.

Not sure what state you are in, but the first thing that happened in ours was we needed to fill out financial forms separately, then give them to the mediator before any paperwork is handed over, so mediator will understand where things are financially.

They will guide you through what is needed. Focus on what they ask for, and try not to think to far ahead, as others have said.

That said, I started out in mediation, and then chose to end it myself. Pay attention to what is going on, and I would suggest that you see a separate L for a consultation so you know what you are looking at, and what your rights are.

Take care, sorry to see you over here...

[brknheart]

Hey brkneart,

Have you been to the first mediation meeting yet? I would wait to give her what is required/asked for by mediator before handing it over.

The mediator said it normally only takes 1 session, 3 hours long. I guess the more complicated the situation, the longer time/sessions. I am calling them tomorrow to see if they can send me a list of things required when I come in.

[iwantittowork]

I am not so sure I agree that it's 1 session for 3 hours..

I'd expect at least a consultation session to explain the process, what is needed, get acquainted with the mediator, and then setup the next session.

Remember, as you go through this, you are looking out for your interest, not your STBXW. If you do not like what is happening, or not getting your questions answered, etc, that you keep your interest in mind, and demand you time. Get up and walk out if you have to.

I would still suggest meeting with you own L to understand your rights.

As you go down this road, it's not about being a married couple anymore, and that is a tough place to wrap your mind around as you sit with a third party and across from your spouse, to try and tear down something that you both built with dreams and aspirations, and all that goes with it.

[Gardener]

brknheart,

From my unfortunate mediator experience, I can tell you a few things to watch out for:

- Get blank Financial Affidavits and fill them out before first meeting if possible. Why waste time there being given them and told what to do?

- Line up a L to review Final Agreement at the end and, if needed, guide you during the process as well.

- Keep in mind that unlike "normal" L-to-L divorces, you are always there, always negotiating face-to-face and side-by-side with your wife. The same toxic dynamics and emotions that got you to this point in the first place just fill the room and taint all the proceedings.

- It may cost more, time-wise, but if you're asked to "give", to concede on something, do not answer except with, "I'll think about that and get back to you."

- Some mediators have been suspected of subtly "siding" with the party that first contacted them/contracted with them, so beware, be on the lookout.

- Some mediators have been suspected of subtly "siding" with the same-gender spouse, so again beware and be on the lookout.

Hope this helps. If I think of any more, I'll let you know.

In the meantime you can look at my Mediator experience and meltdown on my thread. May not be a lot of hard info there, though. Mainly b!tching.

[brknheart]

Thanks for the suggestions/comments.

Ive been trying to think about what could go wrong, considering my S2BXW and I have agreed on everything. This agreement hasnt changed since she first left me. Savings, debt, retirement, who gets the house, pets, and property has already been agreed on. I know things could change, but neither one of us wants lawyers ($$$ chaching). The mediator we are using is a lawyer (male).

The law office website has all the blank documents with fill-in-the-blanks. When I first looked into using the mediator I thought "This is to easy." Granted, we have no kids, not many assets, so our financial sitch is fairly simple (i guess).

Ill take a look at your thread. Thanks