#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[flowmom]

My apologies to any woman on this board with 100 cats in her house. LOL

[flowmom]

GAL:

- bought 2 pairs of new shoes and a casual dress (not totally frivolous as my other shoes are worn out and my clothes don't fit)

- started new routine of doing abdominal exercises

- did 5 min of chanting (I am new to this practice, my sister introduced me to it...it's a grounding alternative to meditation when one is feeling shaky)

[flowmom]

I'd like some input as to what to do about the apartment. As H has taken some but not all of his stuff out of the apartment: all of his clothing and toiletries, some linens, a small kitchen appliance, all of his books, 2 bookshelves, an armchair, our bed (which he replaced with a new one), most of his business inventory. There are now "holes" everywhere where his stuff used to be.

I haven't had the heart to re-arrange things to fill those "holes". We are cramped for space so if I knew he wasn't coming back, I would rearrange things to make better use of our storage space. OTOH, I'm afraid of sending the message that I'm assuming he's not coming back. H said it was a "trial separation" and that he hasn't made a final decision. He says he has no motivation to work on the M and is acting as if D is inevitable.

I'm assuming DBing would mean acting as if I don't expect him to come back? To re-arrange things to suit me? Psychologically that's hard for me. I'm very sensitive to my space and the arrangement of it has a lot of symbolic meaning to me.

Also should I consolidate his stuff in one area of the apartment and suggest he move it out? Or move his stuff into the storage locker (that he has access to) and tell him? I'd do one of those if I knew he wasn't moving back in, but again I don't want to send mixed messages about my desire to reconciliate, which I made clear when he moved out a month ago but haven't mentioned since.

[flowmom]

H is supposedly at work today, but I just found out that he isn't. On facebook he invited his "friends" to go hiking this morning so he's obviously not sick. He's not seeing the kids at all today (which is uncommon) because he said he wanted to do something with work buddies after work. I don't like being lied to. I wonder if he's off on stress leave again? Wondering whether to do anything about this?

[Super Girl]

I'd stop wondering about H. Go do something fun with your kids.

[nsw1222]

Flowmom I'm in a similar boat.

My ex has a whole closet and dresser with vanity full of clothes along with other personal items. The stuff still being here months after she left can give an impression that they might come back. But she sure doesnt act like it. She's been here many times and not really tkaen much more than what she left with.

So I'm at a loss of what to do with her stuff. To be honest I'm afraid that if I tell her she needs to get her stuff out of here now, I will somehow be ensuring that she doesnt come back. I know that probably isnt true...it wont affect things either way.

At the same time walking by the furniture, seeing her clothes every time I get mine out, is a painful reminder of her and what happened.

Aside from changing the locks, the hardest think I've had to do was go around the house and take down all the family photos of us/her. Now, as you said in oyur sitch, there are holes on the walls where those were.

So I dont know how to advise you, but I have an idea of what you're going through.

[flowmom]

I want to confront him about lying to me. A coparenting R requires a lot of goodwill and lying does not work. I don't want him to think that he can get away with it. I don't ask questions or blatantly pry into his life. But I don't expect to be lied to and it makes me wonder what he has to hide.

[nsw1222]

flowmom...I hate to suggest this, but when my ex was lying to me about hwere she was and what she was doing, she was covering up her relationship with an OM.

that doesnt mean it's true in your case...but it was in mine.

[flowmom]

flowmom...I hate to suggest this, but when my ex was lying to me about hwere she was and what she was doing, she was covering up her relationship with an OM.

that doesnt mean it's true in your case...but it was in mine.

There's no reason to lie, so of course it raises my suspicions.

[flowmom]

nsw, I hear ya on the holes in your home. The other thing to consider for us is how moving things around affects the children. They certainly notice things like that! Not sure what message it sends to them either way though...