My W wants a D and wants me out of the house. (Or so she has said) However, to get to that point i need to get my car fixed and to save up for my own apartment. We are currently trying to save for that while i work on the marriage and she does the bare min because she isnt sure she wants to. We also have done very odd things like buy a new couch, end tables and fans. (all this money could be used to get me a new car but have been used to buy other things and kind of putting it off the car and saving for the move out. These have all been her choices, i of coarse have accepted them because once i get a car the closer i am to losing my family/wife)
We have our ups and downs week and we are trying to not talk about the R as much as possible. We are currently in this weird sort of limbo. Sometimes, we talk about plans together and what we could do if we stayed together. Other time, we just spend time together and kind of deal with the fact that we may be having a D.
I have done a 180, i have changed my ways. I have been the husband that both my wife and I want to be. I am waiting for some sign that she wants to be with me and it doesnt seem to be coming. We have very little to no physical interaction. I notice she barely looks at me when we talk. However, i watch her actions and listen to her words and i can tell she wants to make this work. (even if she doesnt admit it... I have changed to we's ect ect )
So, im kind of stuck. I need help. I am doing my best at the GAL and Last Resort. Its a struggle for me because part of our problem was i wasnt focused on the R as much as i should. Also, i have found our in this experience that i feel loved and cared for via praise. I am trying to now focus on the R while showing her that i dont need her but rather want her around.
I have a daughter and she lives with me every other week. On those weeks sadly i need to be home because i need to pick her up using our one car ect ect. However, on the other weeks when im not with my daughter. I could be anywhere. I have friends who would make sure i got too and from work for a week. I am basically wanting to discuss that thought of possibly leaving for a week and seeing what happens. I wanted to hear some thoughts for vets and see what we could come up with.
On one hand i want to show her that i will be there for her. She also gets sick alot and i worry when im not there.
On the other hand, maybe she needs to realize what its like without me. I am sure, she will get angry and upset but she needs to work it out herself much like i need to work on myself.
I also fear she might be a cake eater...its hard to tell.
So, i would love to hear peoples thoughts if you have some.
Last edited by Hopingtomakeit; 01/25/1003:57 PM.
M:33 W:32 Married 10/28/07 C: B13 G10 (Both from different relationships) 12/30/09 Bomb Divorce Busted 2/04/10 5/15/12 Bomb 2
So, last night was really messed up and i need some insight on what people think. I posted the beginning post of this in my LJ. I marked it as for my eyes only. Only, i could read it. Last night my wife invaded my privacy and read it. She messaged me whats a cake eater and i had to explain it too her. I was very upset that she invaded my privacy, that she logged in to see my private LJ. I was shocked because she use to do this all the time earlier in our marriage she would look at my stuff. She always had a bit of lack of trust (i admit on some level i kind of liked it that she cared enough....i never cheated on her so i didnt worry) and but for awhile she stopped caring and stopped looking. She even pointed out that she stopped looking because she no longer cared.
I was really kind of shocked. I would never look at her LJ. To her that is sacred. I could have put in key loggers ect ect ect. I am sure there is something in the last 4 years that i don't know that i should know. However, i wouldn't do that because i love and respect my wife. That's private and just for her.
So, i dont know how much of this she read or if i now have to go at this alone. We discussed things for awhile. I told her how upset i was. She explained how she would never go to a site like this. She would take it internally and not address it. She said "she doesnt like people judging her." I explained to her that they dont judge but rather help me.
We then had another serious talk about the R. She was upset about something else i wrote on my LJ. Where i explained that I havent smiled in a few weeks and the first time i really smiled was with my friends the other night. She seemed really upset by that and i explained to her. How much i love her and then even though i know i would have a better time ignoring everything going on between her and i and getting away from it. I would rather spend ever moment i can with her. Trying, to save us. She kind of seemed moved and i think she is starting to understand that i have changed and im working on saving this. I think she was shocked at how often i am here thinking about the M and working on it. I think it was alot for her to take.
It kind of brought us together and i kind of felt that we would make it. At one point i kissed her and she kissed me back. I then went for another and she said "Im not ready, yet" She explained to me that she feels that i think it going to happen over night. I told her "Yes, i did think that. I totally thought that and thats how this site has helped me by showing me that isnt the case. That i know this will take time and i am willing to do what i can and show you that I have changed and hope you look my way."
She also explained to me how she noticed changes that i wasnt even trying to do. Before the mention of the D. i spent alot of time at the computer. I played games and did alot of stuff there. She says, often she comes looking for me there and finds that i am not there. She says it still shocks her that i am not there and am out helping her around the house.
She seemed like she had a break through. She held my hand again and she hasnt done that for several nights. She semi admitted that she may have talked to OM about dating. She was very vague so i am not so sure. I also found out OM was still on facebook friend. This bugs me to no end but i kind of have to get over it. She offerd to remove him but i said no. I trust my wife and i have to show her i trust her. I know in my hearts of hearts that right now the only man she has feelings for it me. Those feelings may not be enough for marrige but they are there.
So, that was my night. It was kind of odd because it should have been a fight with a invasion of privacy but instead turned into a odd moment and i think maybe a step forward.
I really need some other peoples thoughts on this and the above. Let me know what you guys think. I am also a bit scared that she may be reading this but i guess it cant be helped.
M:33 W:32 Married 10/28/07 C: B13 G10 (Both from different relationships) 12/30/09 Bomb Divorce Busted 2/04/10 5/15/12 Bomb 2
She semi admitted that she may have talked to OM about dating. She was very vague so i am not so sure. I also found out OM was still on facebook friend. This bugs me to no end but i kind of have to get over it. She offerd to remove him but i said no. I trust my wife and i have to show her i trust her. I know in my hearts of hearts that right now the only man she has feelings for it me.
Bad move. She tells you she asked another guy to date her, it "bugs you to no end" (do you know why it bugs you?), she tells you she will remove him (test #2) you say no it's OK. You have no idea what is in her heart so stop making plans based on what you think she is feeling. She wanted you to man up and fight for her - "I will not share my wife with another man." Instead she got a weak response from you - expect her to make contact with OM now.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I would love to hear your opinion of the rest of what happened.
Here is what was said. On New Years Eve, this year OM posted on his facebook "i will have the chance to be with a women. I have always wanted to be with." She said "put on the post..She likes this. (its a option on facebook)
What she said to me last night was "If that is the worst thing I have done in the relationship. Then its not that bad."
She did offer to remove him several times because it was bugging me. However, I talked her out of it. I even asked her to change her status of us being married to be no longer hidden. She didnt seem to like that plan.
M:33 W:32 Married 10/28/07 C: B13 G10 (Both from different relationships) 12/30/09 Bomb Divorce Busted 2/04/10 5/15/12 Bomb 2
Too much Hope for Hopingtomakeit and not enough action, I agree 100% with Coach, she is begging you to come in and fight for her! Lay out your boundries and then the consequenses of her crossing them. She will test you and wants you to make sure that if she crosses the line you will be there to stop her.
You guys are right. I have been thinking about this all day. I need to set boundary. It sucks because like a year ago. My W asked me to not talk to a girl and for the most part i ignored it. (that person was just a friend but still)
I agree its all fear. I am afraid of setting a boundary and then finding out that she doesn't care enough. I also think this could go either way. Where she respects it and removes him or this is the last straw and this is me now trying to control her.
I am going to read DR and see what they say. I am trying to figure out if i should do this today or wait...I am not sure.
Last edited by Hopingtomakeit; 01/26/1009:04 PM.
M:33 W:32 Married 10/28/07 C: B13 G10 (Both from different relationships) 12/30/09 Bomb Divorce Busted 2/04/10 5/15/12 Bomb 2
It is only controlling you and not her,if she says it is controlling her,stop her to tell her that you are not trying to control her, because she has a choice to make. Your choice is not to live in an open marriage, I did not sign up for that when I took my vows. Did you?
My W wants a D and wants me out of the house. (Or so she has said) However, to get to that point i need to get my car fixed and to save up for my own apartment. We are currently trying to save for that while i work on the marriage and she does the bare min because she isnt sure she wants to. We also have done very odd things like buy a new couch, end tables and fans. (all this money could be used to get me a new car but have been used to buy other things and kind of putting it off the car and saving for the move out. These have all been her choices, i of coarse have accepted them because once i get a car the closer i am to losing my family/wife)
OK I'm going to give you advice and just like every other newbie on this site, you're going to say "I can't do that, I want her to really want me and if I stand up to her and rock the boat, she'll leave me forever...."
And just like every other noob on this site (including myself when I first got here), you would be wrong.
Short & sweet this time because I've typed this umpteen number of times on numerous other threads.
You need to stand up to her. She is making all the choices and decisions not just for her but for you and you instead of standing up for yourself are going along with it, you think by being weak, wussy like and ultra accomodating, your wife will snap out of her funk and see you for the most wonderful man on the planet and love you forever and tell everyone how silly she was for ever considering divorce and leaving you.
Question: What did the five fingers say to the face? Answer: SLAP!!!!
There's your 2x4, wear it proudly.
My W wants a D and wants me out of the house.
Ummm... yeah, good for her, why do you have to listen to what she says? Is she listening to you? Does she care about what you want? No she made this decision and by going along with her decision to kick you out, you are killing the attraction between you, in fact, it's dead, she can't respect you, you don't respect yourself, you're like a broken man, how can she respect that? Women are attracted to men who are masculine and have strong masculine traits: one of those being that you stand up for yourself in the situations that require it. You respond intelligently & confidently to a situation, you don't react blindly like a scared mouse.
Seriously you sound scared and broken and gosh golly gee, women love a scared and broken man, nothing gets that estrogen pumping in a woman like a weak wussy scared little man, heck I'm getting hot just thinking about it and I'm a guy!
You will tell your wife this (and yes it's going to require guts and bravery and courage that you currently don't have but you have to do it anyways, if you don't, you will lose her forever, I'm not saying you have a guaranteed chance of turning this around but you are definitely not getting there doing what you're doing), "Wife, I've been thinking about our current situation and I've decided that I'm not going to move out. I can't make you change your mind about us or keeping our marriage alive but I'm not going to enable you to walk all over me. If you want a divorce and can't live with me, you're going to have to be the one to move out because I've decided I'm staying - it's my decision if I want to stay or to leave, not yours. It's unfortunate if you don't like this but I can't control your feelings, I have to do what's best for me. If you divorce me, I will pursue shared joint custody of our children, I won't be a weekend dad or less than that just so you can have fun with some other guy - that's my decision too."
"As for that stroker/OM on crackbook, you're a married woman, you want to fool around with another man, flirt with another man while being married, that's not cool with me, continue doing that and I will pack your things and place them in the driveway, I won't be made a fool of by you or anyone else. You can have all the fun you want with another man when you're divorced, but you're still legally married so until that happens you will not disrespect me in my own home."
She will have a fit and she will get angry, 99% always do, that's ok, realize that something is going on, you are standing up for yourself, it's not evident right away but doing so actually registers subconsciously with her, she may tell you she hates you and she may tell you she was considering "taking you back" or some other such nonsense but now it's game over for you and you hearing all this will no doubt be scared & frightened and crouch in the fetal position on the floor and wait for the nightmare to end but that would be the wrong move - trust me. You just stand there and weather the storm, I don't care if she yells every obscenity the book at you, calls you this, that and everything else, you just reply to her while looking at her eyes and maintaining eye contact that you've made your decision and moving forward you will make decisions that involve your life. She doesn't have your best interests in mind currently and she will do whatever it takes to get you back under her heel.
Look at the dynamics here, you both originally chose together to start seeing each other, date, get married, have kids, the type of house to buy, the neighborhood to live in, etc. Those were decisions you made together, that's what people do in a relationship that is mutually beneficial. Along the way, you get old, fat, boring, stinky, lazy, don't satisfy alot of the relationship requirements on her part and her needs aren't met. After a while of repeated behavior, you've trained her to not liking those behaviors and then regardless if you improve or not, you don't do it enough and consistently, she associates you with bad experiences, bad memories, an unfulfilling life, etc. The sex life dies, the conversations are limited, there is no energy anymore, no mutual beneficial interactions, you guys just act out what life is for you at the time being and we all know how fulfilling and exciting that is. Then one day she gets a glimmer of something that looks warm, inviting, exciting, liberating, and she longs for it. Why wouldn't it, her life is boring & unfulfilling and you aren't doing "it" for her anymore. Then as fate would have it, she decides that life is too short to waste in this type of existence, so she starts to think about what would be needed to get that life. She isn't attracted you anymore, your harmful behaviors have killed that attraction, and she is looking to be attracted to something again, to feel energy, excitement, a relief from everyday life. So one of the goals to getting this new life is getting rid of the old life and that includes you and on top of getting rid of you, the process involves obtaining a replacement, someone more masculine, more impressive, more exciting, more virile and her juices get flowing again but not for you. On top of that, if she's in her 30s and 40s, she's experiencing an increased production in testosterone in her body which is increasing her libido while at the same time, nature is playing a cruel trick on you if you're in that age range because your testosterone production is dropping. She becomes more aggressive, assertive, and she starts standing up to you, treating you poorly, making decisions that affect your life but without any regard to your quality of life or how it will affect you, she doesn't care anymore. Her system is on autopilot and this is a mechanism that is running in her and telling her how to act, feel, talk, think, etc. You've assisted this internal mechanism that's in place for her to find another man by validating that you aren't the right guy for her, you're week, supplicating, complacent, not aggressive, you don't have any self respect and you don't have any courage.
How can she respect you?
How could you ever stand up for her if the need or situation ever presented itself if you can't even stand up to her? Its counter intuitive, its nothing you've ever been taught. She wants a man and she's looking past you because she determined through her own decision making process aided by the autopilot mechanisms in place that you aren't masculine enough, you aren't man enough.
So how do you get that respect back?
You stand up for yourself and you stand up to her.
Scary and unreal and impossible as it sounds, its the one thing you MUST do.
So now that all of my long winded post is out of the way, the real question is this, are you able to stand up to her?
My guess is no.
My guess is that your first time at bat, you'll swing, she'll call you on it and then you'll back down, you'll fold like a house made from a deck of cards and you will validate her original decision about you.
You'll tell us that your situation is unique and it's not as simple as this and you'll keep asking questions on how to turn things around regardless if we've given you the answers because you're too weak, afraid and ineffectual to employ the advice we're giving you.
I would ask you that you do what I asked, I can't offer you any guarantees other than to tell you that what you are currently doing will not work as you are both planning to move you out, as for her recent furniture purchases, she wants the place to look new & inviting for that eventual day when she has the OM over for dinner & sex - my hope is that you're not peeking through the window of your home when this is happening, that would be a heartbreaker.
I haven't been on the boards for a while because life is busy, but every now & then I catch a glimpse of some poor soul that resembles how weak I felt when this all happened to me and I just have to put my 0.02 cents in.
