Piecing Without Transparency

[addie]

Thanks for your post Puppy.

The transparency issue was brought up before H moved back but I didn't enforce it. There was a lot going on right at the time H moved back that demanded my attention (my father's deteriorating health).
I've tried to talk to H about what he agreed to but get no response. I agree with your conclusions Puppy. It doesn't look good. Hopefully when I get back from my trip I'll have a better perspective on what I need to do.

[Andabelle]

How're things?

[addie]

Well, not much new going on.

My trip was very good. It was wonderful to get away. During my time away, H contacted me regularly and let me know that he missed me.
Now that I'm back, it's back to the same old, same old. He spends almost no time with me and very little time with S13. He does however seem to have a lot of time to spend with his new university friends I've never met (all of them probably about 20 years younger and aren't even aware he's married). The only time H wants to spend with me is when he wants to ML. Other than that he's MIA most of the time. This has been going on for months. I feel like I'm dealing with an adolescent.

I need to get away from this rollercoaster. S13 and I are going to the beach for a few days.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So maybe you should stop giving him sex.

Puppy

[addie]

Good point, Puppy.

H hasn't followed through on any of the boundaries I requested before we R. I asked for honesty, NC, transparency, IC for him and MC for us. Although he agreed to all of this, I didn't have the energy to enforce any consequences (I was dealing with my father's illness and passing) and now it's gotten out of hand.

For a long time I've been seriously considering asking H to leave but keep waffling because of the ramifications on our S13 who is entering high school in a couple of weeks and has been dealing with self esteem issues recently. Maybe these are excuses on my part. My first step will be to have H move out of our bedroom (which I've also been contemplating for a while now).

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Addie, I cant tell from your posts, but perhaps you have already tried this... can you just try and integrate into his student life? Does he go for coffee/drinks with them? Can you invite yourself along? Turn up unnannounced? Get involved so that it stops being so easy for him to be leading two separate lives? It kind of sounds like you have 'given up' and you dont push things with him at all, but let them slide (openness, retrovaille, passwords, friends you dont know about etc).

I was just wondering, if you tried to join in and he either reacted badly, or said no I dont want you there, that would be an opportune moment to ask.. "why not??". Or maybe you already tried this and got nowhere, hence the asking him to leave train of thought. But you have got this far, he must still be with you for a reason??

It does sound like he is treating your house and your R like a hotel..its horrible to be lonely within a relationship.

Al xx