Need help staying focused. H is moving so fast. He keeps telling me he wants to move on as soon as possible. Luckily he has taken the kids to Las Vegas this weekend to see his sister, so I will have some much needed alone time.
I really feel that for my own sanity, I need to find out if there is OW or not. If there is, I think I would change my attitude about being separated, and able to let go more affectively. I know I would be devastated, but I still think it helps to know the truth. If there is no OW, then I can assume my H is just really depressed, possibly MLC. Knowing this, I think I would feel differently as well. Be friendlier with him and have more patience.
I would love to hear from others that are separated, where spouse is having an affair or is not. And any techniques that they feel has really helped them to get positive feedback or has caused the WAS to slow down the break-up process.
Oh Sweetie you are new at this. I am sorry you are in pain, and this is a long process.
I wish I could tell you it would feel different and would be easier to let go if you found your H was having an affair, but its not.
I want to read a little more of your situation before I say anything else. But trust me when I say that you will get through this.
(((Hugs)))
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Well not knowing can drive you a bit crazy and knowing hurts like hell. For me at least, knowing that my stbxw was emotionally and physically involved with someone else at least helped somewhat with the detachment process.
For me it was different. It drove me absolutely insane. I wanted SG (fyi that stands for Stupid German, my H) back on the worst way. And failed miserably at DBing because of it
Catch your breath and get ready to ride the roller coaster. It sucks.
Have you read any of Michele's books?
I think detaching comes with time. But here is a trick to help...picture your relationship from the eyes of another person. Pretend it is a friend's relationship. When you feel like doing something crazy, think of what you would advise your friend to do...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I wanted to know and I snooped to find out and I'm still not sure how to interpret what I did find. I felt the same way, if there was someone else then I thought that would help me turn the page. If there wasn't, and it was just depression finally winning out, I would feel differently.
In the end, it doesn't really matter. My W is pushing the D train hard. After all my checking, I found little solid evidence of an OM and the more I snooped the worse I felt.
So I stopped and now am trying to not care what she's doing at any time. For me, I actually turned a corner when I accepted that the D was going to happen and that now it's all about money. Once it became about money, a lot of the emotion left the equation.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I still snoop, but I do it less and less. The only thing I can look at now (he changed all his passwords) is our cell phone records. This shows who he calls and who calls him. The last week he has had a lot of incoming calls from a 999999999 number. This is what shows up when the person calls you using the *67 to make it a blocked number. So he defiently doesn't want me to know who is calling him.
Plus he is living with his mom right now, and from what she tells me, he stays out late every night. And on the weekends he doesn't have the kids, he tells her he is staying at a friends house. Well he is not staying at any of his friends that I know.
I have asked him if there is OW before and he denies, and then trys to say he suspects that I have a boyfriend. Espically when I'm acting as if I'm GAL. He just looks like a very guilty man. Plus he is pushing hard for us to end. That makes me suspect that if there is OW, she is pushing him with that.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's a duck. Now you need to determine if an OW is a complete dealbreaker for you or not. If it isn't and you are still interested in saving the marriage, then prepare yourself for a huge rollercoaster ride of emotions. Marriages can be saved from issues of infidelity, but it takes work, a lot of forgiving, and effort to determine what the issues were, and resolve them, which drove the H or W to look for intimacy outside the marriage.
Whether it's a dealbreaker or not, I think you've got enough evidence from your snooping to make a reasonable verdict on whether there is an OW. If I were you, I'd stop snooping now. It takes too much energy and emotion out of you. I snooped until I found the evidence I needed to confirm my suspicious. It was emotionally draining each time I found things out. When I stopped and just started focusing on my life and my kids live's it was like a huge weight lifted off of me. I started refusing to let my stxbw's infidelity be a drain on my emotional and physical health.
Amen S4H. I did find out about SG's infidelity. Now, I found out immediately. But it did not make things easier.
For the first year, I cried, begged, and pleaded with him not to date anyone. It was insane. And then I finally figured out that I couldn't do anything to stop him. This was only making things worse.
His infidelity was his fault. But the things leading up to it were done by the both of us. All I could do was recognize my own part in it, and make the changes. I realized I needed to make them for my own sanity first and foremost, because it was not who I wanted to be.
You need to work on yourself. None of us are perfect. Regardless of whether or not the affair is a dealbreaker, listen to what your W says. It will help you to recognize certain behaviors in the future.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
