How do I wait?

[MyLoveIsGone]

My partner at 36 decided that--as she had never been alone since she was 18 (she was in a series of long-term relationships before us)--she needed to be alone for a while. She said she doesn't know who she is or even what she likes to do. We hadn't had enough separate interests. I think because we like to do so many of the same things, it's just natural we would do them together. Still, I understand the importance of having alone time in the relationship and we need to work on that. But now it feels too late. She has told her closest friends that this is a separation, a break, but that she doesn't know what the future holds for her or us. I'm devastated. Right up until the moment she left (she had told me she was going to take this time) it felt like we were getting closer. We are 100% attracted to each other, share goals and values, and love each other. She told me right up until we parted that she loves me. Our sex life has been fine--no problem there, she told me. She loves me but doesn't know if she's in love with me. I asked her if she's written us off, and she said no. But she doesn't know how long this alone time will be. It's killing me to not get so much as a phone call from her. She's aloof. We had a wonderful weekend and then the time alone started and it was like a switch went off on January 5th. I'm trying to respect her space but I'm beside myself with wondering what's going on, what's new with her, just talking to her about our days. I cry all the time. I'm trying to get out and do things to develop the independent interests we spoke about, but it all feels so empty without knowing I can share what I did with her at the end of the day. SHe said she wants to have no responsibilities and not answer to anyone. I never asked that of her, but obviously that was how she felt, so I must have given her that impression. It's not how I felt though. This has been such a good, positive and healthy relationship. It has room to improve, but for both of us it has been loving and supportive. So why has she bolted? She e-mailed me this the other night:

"I'm sorry this is making you sad. You have to understand that this is for the best, I know you know that. By me doing this now, I can never regret or have resentment later on...

Remember the time when I said to you, we should date [before committing]? My conscience was telling me something and once again I didn't listen to it; maybe we would be at a different place if we did. I need to start over, I need to be ready for a relationship which I am not. When will I be? I don't have the answer to that. I know you love me and you're ready, but we both have to be on that path.

I need to feel safe and secure and that was something I did not feel, and I know you're working on that and that is great... This is something attractive that an individual needs to offer to anyone, so don't think of it as something you are doing for me, it's for you, it's what you need in your life and what you will be able to offer the person you chose to be with.

What I'm trying to say is what I am doing and what you are doing now, is for the greater good. It's what will make us who we are or who we want to be. By striving to be better it will reflect and will make the other person want to be better too. Am I making any sense? It's hard sometimes to put it in words. Let me know what you think."

Does it sound like she's giving up on us or that she will consider a fresh start once we work on ourselves? I'm so at a loss. I hadn't had my work priorities in order--I took freelance jobs instead of secure full-time opportunities. I have changed that now. I had actually set the wheels in motion before she left...She truly is the love of my life, and I think it's sad she doesn't know what she likes to do. I understand needing alone time. I just don't know why I have to be completely cut out while she does it. How do I wait while she decides our fate? How do I get her to see that things would be different? I just want her home.

[Gardener]

mlig,
Sorry you're here, but here is the place to be. Take a breath. Take many. You're hurt and you're reeling. Read the DR book, especially The Last Resort Tecniques. Consider one-on-one DB telephone counselor session.

I'm trying to get out and do things to develop the independent interests we spoke about, but it all feels so empty without knowing I can share what I did with her at the end of the day.

We here can pretty much all empathize with this. Are you in IC (individual Counseling)? Any reasons to suspect another man?("Remember the time when I said to you, we should date [before committing]? My conscience was telling me something and once again I didn't listen to it') because this speaks volumes to me.

She said she wants to have no responsibilities and not answer to anyone. I never asked that of her, but obviously that was how she felt, so I must have given her that impression.

t'aint necessarily so. Where did she go? Do you know? Get out, do things, develop independent interests, yes, but not because she said so, or because that will win her back. Do it for you.

Take advantage of this alone time to pull yourself together.

Keep posting. Others will be along soon.

[DownNotOut...yet]

I am going to throw some fuel on the fire...You DON'T wait!!!

Having been around here a pretty long time, my take on this is she is seeing someone else, this "time apart" from you is so she can pursue another relationship...and if that fails, then she will come back to you. You are being USED as the fall back plan.

I know it is fashionable around here these days to say it but my advice is get strong, get a life. You need to assume it is over and start operating with the idea she will not come back. I am sure at this moment it is impossible to fathom but you will NOT have a chance in the world if getting her back while she feels she has you waiting on the shelf as a backup plan.

You need to write back to her, I understand how you feel. I agree. Do what you need to do. I am going to do what I need to do. Maybe, I will be around when you get your head straight...maybe not.

It is only when they realize they might lose you that they come around. Does it always work, no BUT...read the threads here. The only ones that were really successful were the ones who worked on their shortcomings AND got strong enough to walk away themselves. Totally counter intuitive but true.

Please give us some more info on your situation. I see you wrote your "partner"...married? Not married? Kids? No Kids? M/F? F/F?. I only ask because the dynamics can be slightly different. The more info you can give us, the better info we can give you.

[sandi2]

I agree.

[Gardener]

Excellent post, DNOy!

[MyLoveIsGone]

We are F/F, DownNotOut...She is absolutely not seeing anyone else. I know this for sure. She really does seem to not know who she is and wants to take time to herself. She said it isn't about seeing someone else--her e-mail seemed to indicate that once she works on herself and I work on myself she isn't ruling out being willing to give us a try. She said something similar in person...that if she started with a clean slate and then we didn't work out, at least she could say she gave it a fair chance. I just don't know what to do in the meantime. Where is she tonight? Why won't she call? My imagination is going crazy.

[Lotus]

What I hear is "Yes, I love you, but you don't fit the mold that I have in my mind for the perfect spouse". I'm guessing what that mold might be, and I'm thinking it is financial. Maybe she thinks she can find a boyfriend with more earning power and she will have a more comfortable life. The words you quoted all come from the book on How to let someone down easy". Or as they said on Seinfeld, "It's not you; it's me." This isn't necessarily over. She may not find anyone better, and she might find out she misses you and really does love you. And then she would come back. But the others are correct too. You should use this time to see if you can find a better girlfriend.

[just breathe]

The fact of the matter is you can't control what she is doing or with whom. You need to stop trying to figure that one out and find something to do with someone yourself. I am new to this also and my WAH is having an EA, all I know is I can't sit around and worry about what they are doing or I will go crazy. Accept the things you cannot change and work on making yourself happy. I have no intention at this point of giving up on my marriage. I am however not going to sit in this house and be miserable, even if I am not in the best of moods it feels better to surround yourself by people who care a bout you. Force yourself to do something that will get your mind off of the stress of the situation.

This is my only advice as I have only been dealing with this for a short time.

[pearlharbr]

Read and reread what DNOy posted. It's absolutely spot on.

Count me as one of the people who did this and turned things around in less than four months. It was agonizing and felt like forever at the time, but at least I'm not still in limbo year(s) later.

[Gardener]

mlig,

She is absolutely not seeing anyone else. I know this for sure.

How?

She really does seem to not know who she is and wants to take time to herself. She said it isn't about seeing someone else--her e-mail seemed to indicate that once she works on herself and I work on myself she isn't ruling out being willing to give us a try. She said something similar in person...that if she started with a clean slate and then we didn't work out, at least she could say she gave it a fair chance.

Believe none of what they say and less than half of what they do..