I'm trying to stay calm and follow the advice of my coach and remember my DBing steps...I know it can be toxic talking to friends and family about things, because they only want to see me not hurting. Last night, my mother insisted that I'm being walked all over by letting my H stay at home, have dinner with me at home, and by waiting for HIM to decide my fate. It's so hard to stay strong and not break down and say all these things to his face, instead of just smiling and trying to make myself happy in whatever ways I can. But, how do I deal with being in limbo and waiting around on him to decide whether or not he wants this? I know, focus on myself, which I am...and I know this isn't going to be easy, but I do sort of feel like a jackass, sitting around waiting for him to make up his mind...
I can't NOT talk to my family (my parents live 15 minutes from me and are very close with me), but I also know I'm not going to get anywhere by pushing my WAH and telling him he either knows he wants us to work or he doesn't. Anyone else have to deal with this?? How have you been filtering what friends/family say??
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
I could have written your post word for word and in hindsight, I wish I wouldn't have told my family however it is done and there is no going back - Of course they want the best for you and they give advice based on what "they would do in this situation" however they don't walk in your shoes. You need to decide what you want to do for you and no one else. This is your life and you only get one shot at it.
Originally Posted By: trytryagain
I do sort of feel like a jackass, sitting around waiting for him to make up his mind...
Then stop waiting around for him and make up your mind to move forward...It isn't easy however it must be done. This isn't about you it is about him and his demons. He has to be the one to want to come back so in the meantime, you GAL and do the 180's and I promise each day a sliver of you will be put back in place, and when all is said and done you will be a better person for it.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
I am in the same limbo. I recommend trying to do something for yourself. You know what your husband has issues with. Change those things but keep moving forward in YOUR LIFE!!!
M:33 W:32 Married 10/28/07 C: B13 G10 (Both from different relationships) 12/30/09 Bomb Divorce Busted 2/04/10 5/15/12 Bomb 2
trytry, it's rough but you can't control your H's decisions, only your own. For what it's worth, I *wish* that H was still living with me and that we had more opportunities for connection. I think that my H has already made his decision...and I wish we were back where you are. Indecision works in your favour because it creates more time for the changes that you are making to shift things in the M.
Whatever person you wish to be within or outside of your marriage, start being that person now through your 180s and GAL. If you wanted to start fresh and meet new people (whether for friendship or more), how you present your best, true, self to them? Start doing that now.
Regarding friends. My friends and family initially encouraged me to accept divorcing, move on with my life, and look forward to not having to deal with H. I don't see that as an option as coparenting will mean always having to deal with my H. Basically I've told friends and family that I want a reconciliation and I'm not ready to accept divorce yet. I basically shut down D talk most of the time, and my closest friends and family are respecting where I'm at and supporting my decision even though they've expressed their concerns. If you wish to keep talking with friends and family, set boundaries with them and clarify how they can support you. They don't have to agree with you, but they can respect your current choices.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
A more postive way of looking at it is that you have decided that you want your M and you are taking the steps which you have determined are necessary. This puts the focus on you rather than on waiting on your H. You are not sitting around waiting. You are living your life the way you choose to and choosing to thrive in the environment in which you find yourself.
thanks for the words of wisdom. i know i have to move forward with my life, it just seems like an impossible task with my H is such a big part of my life.
we aren't fighting. we aren't angry at one another. we are both sad and heartbroken. i just can't wrap my mind around why he feels like this is the only option, when i know we both love each other very much...we have both made our mistakes but i can't say he's been a jerk and i want him out of my life, and i don't think he would say that either.
i have read about 8 SH books. i have talked to a DB coach and a life coach. i am ready to make those changes in myself. i just need a chance and he's closed the door on that. i know i will be happier by moving forward and focusing on me...but dealing with an extreme amount of pain while trying to better yourself is a rather tricky balancing act!
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
It is tricky but the only way to do it is to do it.
You say that you areready to make the changes in yourself. Does this mean that yyou have not actually started to make those changes and if not, why not?
There come a point where you just realize that you have to move forward. Moving forward does not necessarily mean walking away. You decide how you will move forward.
Time is your friend. Some things take time - healing, forward movement, change, reconsidering a stance, reopening of doors which were shut. Walking away may be the only option your H sees NOW. In time, he may or may not change his mind. Time is the key.
i have made changes...i'm ready to make them and i am making them. i don't want to be that resentful and needy person that i became so i am journaling, seeking help, letting those feelings go. i am trying to take care of ME.
i know it doesn't mean walking away, but the needy voice in my head is saying, "but if he doesn't SEE me, he will forget ALL ABOUT me and the distance will grow even greater!!"
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
kara, i see him almost every day. he still "lives" with me, but goes back and forth between sleeping on our couch and sleeping on a friend's couch upstairs in our apt building. i am nothing but nice when i do see him, and i smile because i am geniunely happy to see him. he just got a new job so i ask him about that with geniune interest and he's even thanked me for being so excited/supportive of his taking this job.
but still he wants to look for his own place this weekend. boy does that freak out the voice in my head!!
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
