better times to come - maple moves to piecing

[maple]

I am making the move over from newcomers.

Quick summary:
Last 4 years M had been slowly sliding downhill.
Oct 18: H gives ILYBNILWY talk and mentions D
Nov 13: first post in newcomers – PDT and others asked OW?
Dec 07: confirmed OW
Dec 09: confronted H and requested access to email/phone.
Discovered another A from emails (2007).
In house separation starts
Dec 13: H admits A
Dec 28: end of in house separation
Jan 11: first MC appointment

I am struggling with the thoughts:
I am of weak character for staying in a marriage (where H had 2 A's). Doesn't society tend to portray a strong person as someone who leaves the M when a S cheats?
Or am I showing signs of strength by staying in a marriage tainted by infidelity, choosing the path to work towards achieving a well balanced R and M?

I need to remind myself why I have not given up on my marriage:
1. I don't want to have any regrets that I did not try hard enough
2. I still love H; H has lovable and admirable qualities
3. I want my children to have both their mother and father in the same household

I have also been thinking about the fact that H has not had to tell anyone about the A. H did not even have to tell the counsellor as he already knew from my previous IC session. It really bothers me that he has not had to tell anyone. I have confided to 2 of my close personal friends (no family members or mutual friends know about the A). I feel he gets to live without judgement and he does not have to face any consequences from family/friends for his actions. He still gets to perceived as a “good husband/nice guy” and “oh, he would never do anything like that” image. I feel like I am hiding his dirty little secret. Would I feel better if his family, my family and our friends new the details? I am not sure it would make me feel better.

I know I need H to show more remorse for his past actions. Saying sorry once does not cut it. I don't need to hear the actual words “I am sorry” but it would be nice to hear someting like “ you mean the world to me and I can't believe I risked losing you and our family”. I want to hear I am the better choice! This leads me to consider that I let H back “IN” too soon. Or am I expecting too much and too soon?

I need to concentrate on the good points so far.

1. H is still on board with MC every 2 weeks
2. H suggested that we make Mon night available for R talk after I voiced my complaints about how he can block time out of his schedule for football but not me.
3. H makes an effort to be home early enough for family dinner
4. H lets me know if he will be late and where he is working
5. H has been trying to make an effort to help around the house more
6. H spends more time with the children
7. I have access to emails/phone

I am overwhelmed by my emotions on a daily basis. Next MC appointment is Monday and I will wait to see how that goes. But I do think I will need some IC too.

And I need to get back on the bandwagon of Galing and working on PMA.

[Ready2Change]

Hi sweetie,

I feel "Not just friends" is a good book that will help you answer some of your questions.

HUGS

[pearlharbr]

Hi Maple

Glad to see you here! It's definitely a tough path to follow. Yes, society likes to portray strength as walking away, but as those of us here know it takes just as much if not more strength to stay and work on building a new relationship. Your reasons for staying are all good ones and as long as that's enough for you then that's enough.

I do understand your feeling that H is getting off without any consequences for his actions. I know I would feel the same way, I still do at times. But I outed BF's affair to family and friends from the get-go so I can't offer any advice as to whether or not telling would make you feel better. I think that's definitely something to address with the MC.

IMO, it has to do with the fact that you feel that H hasn't really shown remorse for his actions. Have you told him that you feel like his response has not been enough for you? Perhaps it is a little bit of expecting too much too soon, but I know that I felt the same way even though BF apologized several times in the early piecing days. That's great, you say you're sorry, but do you really understand the depth of pain you caused and are you willing to do all the work that's necessary to address this?

Do concentrate on the good points because they are there. Keep working on it and don't let H slip back into old patterns if it isn't working for you.

PMA and GAL are still important! You still need to take care of yourself and make yourself happy. So plan something fun for yourself this weekend. Leave H and the kids at home and have some quality maple gal time.

[pearlharbr]

Just saw R2C's post above. I highly recommend Not Just Friends and After the Affair. Both books offered a lot of insight and helpful tools.

[rockedworld]

Hi Maple,

Welcome to piecing! it is a good place to be with the questions you have. I am struggling with many of the same ones. My H also has not had to tell anyone except his own IC and his sister. But, I find it hard that it is a secret and everyone still thinks so highly of him. But, on the other hand, his job would be at risk, and therefore our financially security at risk if it cam out .... so, here we sit.

I don't all the answers to these question. I continue to be overwhelmed by emotions too. But, it is a day by day process and I agree that our kids and ourselves deserve for us to give this everything we've got.

I hope you find lots of support here...

[Butterfly1]

Welcome! You've come a long way baby!

Well I'm here to echo what the others are saying - what you are struggling with is normal! My H doesn't have an OW but has other problems (verbally abusive at times) and I still feel the same way! Like I need him to validate how painful this is for me. LR too didn't have a OW in the picture and I think she'd agree to feeling overwhelmed with H not showing enough remorse for the pain he's caused.

We will all still work through it. IMO you are the strong one for fighting for your marriage.

Here's something that has helped me keep my emotions in check and guide me through communication in MC (I'm not good at this - still lots to learn!!!!)

http://fightbusters.com/Fight_Busting.html

Although the author comes from a different standpoint, the steps are useful in any sich, IMO. Hope it helps. Come here to vent!

[flowmom]

That sounds like a tough situation. H had a brief A before we were married and it took a long time for things to heal. He wouldn't have had an affair if there weren't problems in our R, therefore I think that he felt justified on some level in the A. He was not as remorseful as I would have liked, because on some level he felt pushed into it, even though as a grown man he was responsible for his own actions.

As for people not knowing, my H appeared better on the outside than he was in our marriage for a long time, so I know how that is. But realistically, the more that people know about your H's A, the more that you'd also have to deal with the consequences of his actions. You'd have to deal with everyone's opinion about his choices and your own choice to continue being married to your H.

I think that your best bet right now is to ask for what you want and what you want that to look like. I totally understand wanting your H to regret his actions, but that might take time if he is ambivalent about the situation, esp if the children have weighed heavily into his decision to work on piecing with you. I remember wanting reassurance, transparency, etc. The A will be painful for you for a long time, most likely. But what might make the greatest difference in your M is not addressing the A itself, but creating a more positive M, babystep by babystep.

I know that life with small children makes it all even harder and my heart goes out to you. I'm new at DBing so please disregard my input if it's not helpful. I wish you the strength that you need right now.

[maple]

R2C and Pearl – thanks for the book recommendations. I have finsished reading after the affair which was also recommended to me during my one and only IC session.

H4L – thanks for checking in. I will check out that website.

Flowmom –

the more that people know about your H's A, the more that you'd also have to deal with the consequences of his actions. You'd have to deal with everyone's opinion about his choices and your own choice to continue being married to your H.

I get what you are saying and that is exactly why only 2 of my friends know about the A. I think most of our mutual friends are pretty clueless to the problems in our marriage. Even my parents don't know about the A but do know pretty much everything else. But I feel he does get off easy not having to tell anyone.


I find reading posts by everyone provides me with validation that my thoughts and feelings are normal.

So last week was tiring. H was working extra hours and both kids were sick. Ended up taking DD4 to emerg on Sat. Nothing too serious but her fever for 5 days had not broken and the medication from our GP was not working. Switched the med and now she is back to her normal self and off to preschool today. Hurray!

Lots of topics touched on in MC the other day. Sometimes I find the session overwhelming and almost have a hard time remembering everything that is talked about. Especially if I get over emotional, I tend not to take in everything. Little bit of information overload. So we talked about:

- Our different parenting styles and we need to figure out how to “meet in the middle”.

- In one long ramble.... and it was probably too long but once I started I could not stop.... I tried to express how I need H to show more remorse/that he is sorry and reassurance it is not going to happen again. From my viewpoint, I would have thought if he felt ashamed/guilt over the first A that he could have restrained from being involved in second A. Didn't he think of how his actions would affect our family and me. How would he feel if our roles where reversed and I went out of the marriage. And I don't think he realizes how much I think about it all and mentioned some triggers. H said he needed time to absorb what I said and would have to get back to me. Then therapist suggested if H said “xyz” would you feel reassured.... I said that would help but now I just need to hear H to say it.

- Being intimate again in the bedroom....and it was suggested to hold off for now unless I initiate it. It might have even happened already if H had his tests done (H finally goes to the doctor today).

On a more positive note, H feels that we are making more of a connection as there has been more affection and communication. I hear H talking about us spending more time together without kids as well as hearing him saying mom needs her own time too! So trying to line up a sitter for this Sat night. H even suggested we go out for Thai food (he does not like it but I love it). And we have plans for next Sat too.

[dday101798]

Hi maple,

I'm on the opposite side of the universe with the A bizz. My (x)W made it so blatently obvious out in the open.

Soooo, we are faced with problems from my family not being very accepting of her, in fact Christmas being her first back in the family loop was a disaster for lack of better wording.

Then there's the freinds and family on both sides that question if us being back together is really a 'good thing' or if it's destined for failure and the kids and everybody is just going to get hurt again.

So, at this point, I'm a little stuck on what to advise as to how much should really leak out to everyone.

I also share your simpathy on different parenting styles. It is very frustrating to say the least.

All you can do is take it one day at a time as already suggested.

[rockedworld]

Hi Maple,

Sounds like you and H are making baby steps in the right direction. Sometimes when we want huge leaps and there are only baby steps it gets so discouraging. Just don't forget to see they are in the right direction, and that is what counts.