Married 1996 Bomb1 10/13/2006 Bomb2=11/18/09 Bomb3=12/7/09 offspring s13
Here I am in my 14th yr of marriage. My wife and I fell in love very quickly next thing you know she was pregnant (after being together for 4 months). We were happy about it. we didn't marry until he was already 6mos old because we wanted to be sure we wanted to be together. I was quite the partier then and dialed it back. After about a yr we moved to where I could go back to school and she could start a new career path. We were gone for 6 yrs. We came back to where we started which was my old stomping grounds and this is wheree the trouble started. I went right back to my drinking ways. Soon it became a real problem. I of course didn't even realize I was an alcoholic. Well in 2006 my wife hooked up with one of my good friends and a co-worker of both of ours at a party at my house. To this day Im not sure how far it went as all 3 of us were drunk. I found out about it and that was when bomb1 dropped. I haven't been happy for a long time. She offered counseling I said no way we can fix things ourselves. Man what an idiot. Much to her surprise I quit drinking.
She was happy with this and our relationship got a little better. OR so I thought. after about 8 months I started drinking wine. Beer in large quantities was my fix before, no I could drink a glass of wine and be done with it. This went on for a year. But then as happens with alcoholics it escalated. Fast forward to 2009. I was only drinking on weekends but it was 2 bottles on fri and 2-3 or sat. I blacked out a few times. I was feeling like [censored]. I was having panic attacks and was depressed. I went to a dr because I was dizzy all the time. 2009 was rock bottom for me. I got counseling and they said I needed to stop drinking. So I did. IN oct 2009
I began exercising. All of my issues went away. I was shedding weight and feeling great. I was alive for the first time in 8 years. I got my spark back. Only then did I notice how dead my wife was. She was totally detached. She wold come home, sit on the couch reading while I made dinner. By 8 she was in bed reading, asleep by 9:30. So I confronted her and asked what was wrong. Bomb2 dropped. "I'm struggling. I care for you, but Im not "in love" with you." The changes you have started to make are great, but for you, not for me. I cant just stop drinking and make things better. I am not happy" I was dumbfounded.
I flipped out not knowing what to do. My 40th bday party was 2 days away and I told her to cancel it. I couldn't go thru with this sham. the past 5 yrs I had been living a lie. She was walking on eggsheels because I was an emotional rollercoaster for the past 8 yrs and here I was acting the same way. She didn't know what to do and unbeknownest to me she had made a call that day. More in that in a minute as I didnt know yet.
I spent the next 2 weeks figuring out what I was going to do. Then on the 7th of dec we both went into work early because she asked to. She went into her office and closed the door. I went and got her a cup of coffee and wlaked in her on the phone. To this day I don't know how it really was. I could see though that she was a deer in the headlights. Panic was in her eyes. SO I asked who it was. She siad it was her boss. I went back to my desk and called her boss and he answered immediately. So I asked her to ask him about some work I had done for him. Via instant messaging . She came back and said he was happy with it. I checked her im logs and she im'd him the question. I knew she was not be truthful so I confronted again. She said "OK, I was calling the EAP. Asking about counseling for myself. And I called one other time, 2 weeks ago to ask about divorce. Bomb3 had been dropped. OVer the next week she really let me have it with bombs. The more I talked the more stuff came out. "I'm dead inside, I dont love you, I want a place of my own, I do not want to be married, I'm tired and don't want to try anymore, I'm done., when you touch me sexually it makes me uncomfortable, I went to be free, I need space I need to be selfish and make it about me for once. I dont want to hurt you but at least we are young (40) and we will be able to start over again (separately). I have built up walls to protect myself, and have been plannign this for a long time." Man did I get it all at once. Of course I did all the wrong things. Profess my love, being needy and clingy. Then I read a few books and began to realize what needed to be done. More in that later though as I cant type anymore. The exciting continuance later tonight.
Married 1996 Bomb1 10/13/2006 Bomb2=11/18/09 Bomb3=12/7/09 offspring s13
Here I am in my 14th yr of marriage. My wife and I fell in love very quickly next thing you know she was pregnant (after being together for 4 months). We were happy about it. we didn't marry until he was already 6mos old because we wanted to be sure we wanted to be together. I was quite the partier then and dialed it back. After about a yr we moved to where I could go back to school and she could start a new career path. We were gone for 6 yrs. We came back to where we started which was my old stomping grounds and this is wheree the trouble started. I went right back to my drinking ways. Soon it became a real problem. I of course didn't even realize I was an alcoholic. Well in 2006 my wife hooked up with one of my good friends and a co-worker of both of ours at a party at my house. To this day Im not sure how far it went as all 3 of us were drunk. I found out about it and that was when bomb1 dropped. I haven't been happy for a long time. She offered counseling I said no way we can fix things ourselves. Man what an idiot. Much to her surprise I quit drinking.
She was happy with this and our relationship got a little better. OR so I thought. after about 8 months I started drinking wine. Beer in large quantities was my fix before, no I could drink a glass of wine and be done with it. This went on for a year. But then as happens with alcoholics it escalated. Fast forward to 2009. I was only drinking on weekends but it was 2 bottles on fri and 2-3 or sat. I blacked out a few times. I was feeling like [censored]. I was having panic attacks and was depressed. I went to a dr because I was dizzy all the time. 2009 was rock bottom for me. I got counseling and they said I needed to stop drinking. So I did. IN oct 2009
I began exercising. All of my issues went away. I was shedding weight and feeling great. I was alive for the first time in 8 years. I got my spark back. Only then did I notice how dead my wife was. She was totally detached. She wold come home, sit on the couch reading while I made dinner. By 8 she was in bed reading, asleep by 9:30. So I confronted her and asked what was wrong. Bomb2 dropped. "I'm struggling. I care for you, but Im not "in love" with you." The changes you have started to make are great, but for you, not for me. I cant just stop drinking and make things better. I am not happy" I was dumbfounded.
I flipped out not knowing what to do. My 40th bday party was 2 days away and I told her to cancel it. I couldn't go thru with this sham. the past 5 yrs I had been living a lie. She was walking on eggsheels because I was an emotional rollercoaster for the past 8 yrs and here I was acting the same way. She didn't know what to do and unbeknownest to me she had made a call that day. More in that in a minute as I didnt know yet.
I spent the next 2 weeks figuring out what I was going to do. Then on the 7th of dec we both went into work early because she asked to. She went into her office and closed the door. I went and got her a cup of coffee and wlaked in her on the phone. To this day I don't know how it really was. I could see though that she was a deer in the headlights. Panic was in her eyes. SO I asked who it was. She siad it was her boss. I went back to my desk and called her boss and he answered immediately. So I asked her to ask him about some work I had done for him. Via instant messaging . She came back and said he was happy with it. I checked her im logs and she im'd him the question. I knew she was not be truthful so I confronted again. She said "OK, I was calling the EAP. Asking about counseling for myself. And I called one other time, 2 weeks ago to ask about divorce. Bomb3 had been dropped. OVer the next week she really let me have it with bombs. The more I talked the more stuff came out. "I'm dead inside, I dont love you, I want a place of my own, I do not want to be married, I'm tired and don't want to try anymore, I'm done., when you touch me sexually it makes me uncomfortable, I went to be free, I need space I need to be selfish and make it about me for once. I dont want to hurt you but at least we are young (40) and we will be able to start over again (separately). I have built up walls to protect myself, and have been planning this for a long time." Man did I get it all at once. Of course I did all the wrong things. Profess my love, being needy and clingy. Then I read a few books and began to realize what needed to be done. More in that later though as I cant type anymore. The exciting continuance later tonight.
AS promised I continue my saga. So I read "I love you but Im not in love with you" by Andrew Marshall which was the first book to give me some good advice. Mainly to not worry about the future or over-analyze, the latter of which I was notorious for. Then I read Gottman's book Seven Steps. Although not bad for it's concepts about love and connections, it wasn't very helpful overall dealing iwth the issues of the moment. It will help in restoring the love though.
I ordered DB but have yet to receive it. Of course, I have read every forum post on the internet. I think I found the end of the internet in the process.
So I started by giving her space. Which is VERY difficult to do. We work at the same place. Our work friends are our mutual friends. She married into my college friends my oldest dearest friends. We live in a SMALL town. You can run but you cant hide. And obviously we have to share a bed together. We couldn't afford to get a divorce if we tried.
AS for giving her her space I try not to touch her. Especially in bed as previously mentioned that makes her uncomfortable (ie nauseous). The thought of me making her sick makes me sick. And hurt. This aversion came from years of letting me have sex with her to appease me. That hurts too. OUCH! I avoid her completely at work. And I tried to have as little communication at home as possible.
I continued to work out to get out of the house. And I learned portion control. I have lost 30 lbs Since Nov 1st. And feel great which has helped my outlook on life. I highly recommend this as an outlet, it's benefits are far too many to list here. With a better mood I bean to realize how negative I had been for the longest time. Brutally negative. I now avoid all sarcasm, I am kind to everyone. And that means "everyone!" And the most important 180 has been emotions. I walk around with confidence. I have been handling all aspects of home duty. I have cooked nearly every meal in 15 yrs but I know do everything else. Pick up after my kid, my wife, do all the folding of laundry (I've always done the laundry, just never folding). Essentially I am contributing in every way to everything in life. I have learned how important it is in a marriage to be there in every way. IT should be a synergy where 2+2=5. We had 2+2=-5.
Anyway around Christmas she acknowledged that she liked the changes I have been making. She said that I deserved a final chance. She quickly qualified this with "I need to be sure that if I do end the relationship that I made the right decision." And further qualified it with, but there are no guarantees. More on that later.
So things calmed down quite a bit. WE had more calm discussions. Always something positive from her, ending with the disclaimer. But one thing I could see from her. She was happy. IN every aspect of life she was happy. She was smiling. More than I have seen her smile since we got married. There have been a few times where I brought up something or wanted to talk relationship with her, or future and that got me in big trouble and killed goodwill that I had earned. But I learned from each error. And got stronger. One day she was about to leave for the day and she said ok I love you, goodbye. That was the first time I heard that in 1.5 months and I bolted up out of bed "What did you say!?" She said well, I do see changes and you are beginning to win my heart back. I couldn't believe it! Of course this too came with the disclaimer that everything is not ok, that she doesn't love me yet (her definition of love I came to find out is fuzzy swooning feelings and physical attraction.) Which she pointed out is definitely not there. But she is going to therapy and working on her own issues. She really just wants her time for once. And to be more in control.
Then I started getting tough because my confidence was up and I needed to make it clear that I am not needy, and I am willing to give her space. I said Why are you still here? It just doesn't make sense. You have said every thing to me that gives me the indication that this will never work. then why are you still here??? I said we will go look for apartments for you tomorrow. OMG I actually shut her down. She sheepishly said, because I said we would give it a chance.
So then I sent my wife away this past weekend for 3 days to her cousin's and even arranged for her to get a spa treatment. After yrs of being the glue for this family I had to. She came back BEAMING. A smile like you would not believe. I still can't believe it. It melted me. But I would never admit that to her.
OF course I am playing it cool. I don't say I love you to her. I only show her through action. That night I managed to screw that up too by sharing a brief bit of Mort Fertel philosophy regarding "fake it to make it" Where the WAW should do nice thins for the H because it's that giving that helps you fall in love. Big mistake. The next night she went to therapy and came home and said we have to talk. She slammed me for the fact that she has been faking it for far too long and she wont do that ever again. She is very angry that she let herself be a victim. But what really came out was, when she confronted me, I didn't go back to my old routine of acting like a baby, throwing a fit. I remained 100% in control of my emotions. Calm cool collected baby. Mature. Something I had not been in my years on the bottle! She repeated the same thing, it has to be about her for now. Not us not the R. She just wants to be happy for awhile. And enjoy it. Relish it. If I can avoid discussing the R, keep up what I am doing and take baby steps, (her favorite phrase,) continue to give her space she isn't going anywhere anytime soon. What I have learned is I just have to be in control, mature, consistent, consistent, consistent, and most importantly, STABLE!!! She just wants some stability for once.
Finally I asked her why are you still here again, just as I had when I got tough a few weeks back . And she said because I have to try, to be sure I didn't make the wrong decision. Again, she ends this talk with " all of this doesn't mean we will end up together." Every single positive throughout the whole process has always had the disclaimer in some variation. And I told her, finally, how it's been driving me mad. If we didn't end up together how could you in good conscience say that you had tried when all along it seems clear that you were never really giving me a chance. It is so engrained in your head that you cannot love me again, and you have these walls that you built to protect yourself that you wont let me through. She just said she didn't realize she did that and she was sorry.
Then I went to my counselor and discussed all of this with her. She made an interesting point. She said with the space she needs and the control she wants to feel, she is just pointing out that she wants to retain control. And by saying that after everything, she does. She just wants it know that it is HER choice to make. And she is holding on to having the choice dearly. It doesn't mean she wont try, just that she watns to have the choice. Man that really put things in perspective for me. Tonight we went on a date. She seems very receptive to date night. And tonight was great. We talked about nothing, laughed about everything and generally had a great time. I could see in her eyes that she was ALMOST, key word, ALMOST smitten with me. I actually feel like I can do this. If I were to sum it up, I would say that every day this week has been phenomenal. Most days the prior two weeks. Some days before that, and hell before that. So that's some great progress. But I am still not getting my hopes up. Taking it day by day. Continually making myself better. I will convince her that life with new me is better than any other life that might be out there for her. She is getting it. It's only me that can screw this up. I may not have sex again for many many months to come. And that kills me on a daily basis. But right now just seeing her truly happy is enough. It's a wonder to behold. I have a long long road ahead of me but I am up for the challenge.
sorry this is such a stream of consciousness rambling. But it feels good to get it out. Thanks for listening.
Just read up on your sitch. I'm almost your husband with a few exceptions. My wife, when she tries to tell me that she cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me(but doesn't love me and then goes ahead and hurts me, can't really blame her), likes to remind me that I am a good guy. She likes me as a person. I am great with kids and have mostly been great with my son. In fact she says she would not have done it any differently if she had the chance. Because our boy is awesome and she wouldn't have raised him the way we did. She would have been her uptight mother. She would do it all over again. But I am your husband with the alcohol and depression and the anxiety and yes, letting down my son on far too many occasions leaving my wife to mop up the mess. My son was very resilient, but over the past yr he had come to hate me. When he saw what was going on with my positive changes he told me "you know I hated you, but I forgive you." Of course it took me hitting rock bottom to come to all of these realizations. I had quit once before for my wife. It didn't last and frankly I resented her for it. When I finally quit for myself only then did I feel free. And the panic and depression went away immediately. Although at the same time I did go up to 30mg paxil the most evil drug on earth but it has gotten me thru rough times. You need to get away from that guy. OR help him get to rock bottom faster than he would otherwise. It's takes a crisis for action to occur. Seems like bad advice to me,...on the face of it, But I wish my wife would have left me a long time ago. It wasn't until I saw that it could really happen that I even realized how much I loved her. I have never loved her like I do now. Which is why I am going to do everything in my power to show her that thru action and action alone. Alcohol sucks! It's unreal what it did to me. Quitting for me this time was so easy. But only because I saw very quickly how it has caused every problem in my life. No matter what that guy of yours needs some CBT, group therapy, and to never drink again.
Me 42/ W 40 /S 16 Married 15 Bomb dropped 11/18/2009 Nuke dropped 12/7/2009 EA/likely PA confirmed and busted 2/28/2010 Still separated in the same house and cant wait for this to end 5/8/2012
Man I know I keep replying to my own damn thread but as with many people here, the thinking never sleeps. Which is fine by me since I stopped thinking for about 8 yrs while drinking heavily and I missed it. Anyway I think I may have come off as a little to enthusiastic in part 2 of my saga. While things are very good, I am still very realistic.
I have back up plans. And those start with moving on if that becomes the reality. The 180's I have made are both for my wife to see, and for potential future women to see. I'm glad my wife is into date night with me because who better to practice dating with than someone who you are so comfortable with. I am practicing for my possible bachelor future while secretly trying to get my wife back. Thinking of winning my wife back OR starting a relationship with a new woman is the Best of both worlds. So when my wife finally gives me the words I dread to here, I am ready. Fit, confident, in control, strong, and ready to date again for the first time in 16 yrs. I think thinking like this helps me remain positive and confident. I am also practicing flirting more. I see nothing but win win here.
Well except for my kid for whom there is only win or lose big time. Did I mention that my wife was waiting until now, when my son is this age (13) because she thinks he will be perfectly fine with it now. And it will have no effect on him. I kid you not she really thinks that. He just went thru puberty a month ago!!!!! He is nothing but a skinny lump of testosterone!!! OH right this is a good time.
Boy this is fun. I dont think I care if anyone even reads this. It's just so good to get it out!
Me 42/ W 40 /S 16 Married 15 Bomb dropped 11/18/2009 Nuke dropped 12/7/2009 EA/likely PA confirmed and busted 2/28/2010 Still separated in the same house and cant wait for this to end 5/8/2012
Oh and before anyone tells me that she may be "playing me" so she doesn't feel guilty when she makes the call and wants to be friends so it all goes smoothly. Trust me this has not eluded me. My only answer to that is she is happy right now and that's all she wants right now. Not me, not a relationship, but happiness for the time being. Well she deserves it after what I put her thru. It's true, I was not a pleasant person for the past 2 years. And only remotely so before that. I am not putting all the blame on myself. I know she has plenty in there. I just wanted to be clear. She can play me all she wants for a little while if that's what she is doing. Like I said in the meantime I am wasting no time. Because I am working on myself for whatever future I have. BEST FORUMS EVER! See my post here for more on how I feel.
Me 42/ W 40 /S 16 Married 15 Bomb dropped 11/18/2009 Nuke dropped 12/7/2009 EA/likely PA confirmed and busted 2/28/2010 Still separated in the same house and cant wait for this to end 5/8/2012
your story is so much like mine - except I am the wife and my H said he does not love me anymore. He moved out 2 weeks ago.
We have been married for 20 years and have 3 children. We married very young (I was 18) and we had our first child less than a year later. I knew we had problems but did not say anything - neither did he. He would come home from work and immediately go outside - cook dinner - not eat with the family and stay outside until he was done with an 18 pack of beer. I would go to bed early - why stay up alone on the couch.
Now that he has moved out - he does not even want to think about working things out - I am giving him the space he needs - told him the other night he just can't stop by the house to see the kids - it just hurts too bad to see him right now.
O also order the DB book and waiting for it to get it. Divorce does not happen in my family and I am praying that one day he sees that we can work this out - nothing done can not be fixed RIGHT ?
LNG Me - 37 H - 42 S - 19 D - 16 D - 14 M - 20 years S - 1/11/2010 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942142&page=1
I am going to explain to you what is most likely going on..
She is interested in someone else. The reason she hasn't left you is that the other person is married or living with someone and she is waiting on him to leave his wife or lover. This is why she hasn't left you and has been wishy washy.
The day you caught her on the phone talking to someone it was probably the OM.
You ARE gettting played. She isn't leaving because the OM is married.
You best bet is to find out who it is and then expose it to the OM's wife.
Usually when I tell guys this stuff, they are in denial and try to tell me that it isn't true. I have always been right and they have been wrong. (FYI)
I'd like to point out something you recognize in yourself... "I had to hit rock bottom to change" i.e. without the crisis you would not have changed. I know you have said that you're happy your wife is happy, however as you well know... she will not change. While she is happy but continue on the path she has chosen. Ponder on this point.
With that said, you seem to be under the belief that your wife had to tell you that she wanted a D for you to change. I don't agree with you here. You need to look a little further back... like 2006... when she cheated on you. You mention all the changes you did but don't say what, if anything, your wife did to regain your trust during that time. From what you're saying it looks like instead of paying for the consequences of her betrayal she was rewarded with your good behavior and change.
I agree with Gucci that there is an OM involved. It looks like she is getting her "wants" met elsewhere. And why not? Every time she has crossed the line she is getting rewarded with "a better you." You have set the precedent. Do you see what I'm getting at here? You need to dig deep and find out if there is an affair and CRUSH it before she will turn around and look at you again.
And while you are doing that... STOP doing the housework! Stop cleaning up after her. She wants control? Good, give it to her with housework. Start assigning her tasks to do in the home. You are busy getting a life... so she needs to step up and start putting some effort into this R too. You can ease her into this gently... e.g. "I'm off to gym, can you give me a hand and do the dishes tonight? Thanks." STOP being the maid and start being the MAN. She needs to respect you again because she has ZERO respect for you at the moment.
HWC I hope you stick around. You have got a lot to offer other men on this board. You are definitely on the right track and are approaching this with a healthy mindset. Congratulations and welcome.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Thanks for reading and responding.... Unfortunately the alcohol and his depression has robbed me of the man I knew for 11 years. Between his affair, drinking, depression/suicidal threats, it's been tough to try and exist in this marriage. He has done two treatments. FIrst, impatient to please everyone else. Second was inpatient for 60 days two hours from home. He has had a few beers since treatment (second). He supposed 1 year was Jan 3rd. Not sure he made it. It's tough...I know he'll struggle for the rest of his life as his dad has and I'm not sure I want it anymore. This isn't to say oh he has problems no thanks I'm bailing. I've stuck by him through some things that I don't think many would have but if he won't help himself there isn't much I can do. Plus, I want to break the cycle for my son.
