OK, here's the short version of my story. I'm 32, my wife is 31, we have a 3 year old and have been married 4.5 years. The past two years, our careers have both taken off to the point that we're both doing well. She makes a good bit more money than I do, but that's ok. We bought a nice house and have been there for 4 years now. About 5 months ago, I found out she was having an EA with a guy from work who is also married with a 4 year old and 11 month old son. I was devastated. I had actually just returned from a work trip and had this epiphany about how much I wanted to work on our marriage and how I had become emotionally distant for so long because of working to get my career off of the ground. I really didn't like the person I had become and wanted to implement some major changes immediately. I always told her that she and the family were first, but my actions were that work was a bigger priority and that's not me. After I found out about the EA, she agreed to start MC but I can say I had a bad experience. Four months of it and we NEVER talked about the EA... only how I had really hurt her and it came to the point that the therapist said we were at a standstill and maybe we should think about ending it. WTF?!? I feel like the therapist essentially was enabling her to be a WAW. During that session, my wife also said she was holding out hope for the OM that he would become "available" and that if he was on the table, she just can't move on. And all the therapist said was that it was "interesting" how much control the OM has in this situation. He's finally told his wife about the EA (after 5 months) and not surprisingly, she threw him out. Now, he's said he's leaving them and his kids (they're moving to Ohio and we're in CA). You'd think that was a red flag to stay away from a man who will leave his infant son.
For the first time on Xmas Day, she uses the actual word divorce. It was awful. But it's completely because this guy is in her head. She doesn't want to hear anything about how it may not be real, etc. She says she's convinced. She said all of the classic WAW stuff to me by now... I love you but not in love with you, I have been unhappy and deserve to be happy, I can't forgive you for what you did, I'm trapped, I'm not attracted to you anymore, I was never happy, etc. I also made all of the classic mistakes about pursuing/convincing/crying. Now, she has used the D word outside of a fight. I know many of her friends and family have told her to serve me with papers, but she hasn't done it yet and has promised that I would know long before she did it. That feels like a positive sign, but who knows. A week ago, she signed a 6 mo. lease on an apartment close to where we live. She says it's not her home (our house is her home) and she only has an air mattress, a card table, etc. there so it's mostly empty. But she doesn't want to "abandon our son" so while she moved most of her day-to-day clothes to the new place, she's spending the night at our house 4 nights a week in our guest bedroom. The reason for this is that my son is not taking this well at all. He wants to know why Mommy keeps leaving, etc. At this point, I don't know if the EA is over or not. She told me she's not talking to him and that she needs to focus on her, but it's hard to tell... She's not using our computers at home or calling/texting, but she could be using Yahoo Messenger on her phone. She keeps her phone glued to her whenever I'm around. She and the OM were talking as of 2 weeks ago, so it seems unlikely that she's gone cold turkey. My feeling is that I can't worry about it for now and need to work on me for me and show her what she's missing. It's so hard to ignore or not get paranoid about, but I'm trying to take it day by day. Am I right to just ignore this as much as I can for now?
Luckily, I found DR and have been reading it over and over. Funny thing is that my wife is the one who first saw WAW syndrome on the Internet and pointed it out to me that it described her really well. But she conveniently ignored the parts of Michelle's article that suggested sticking it out to see if your H can change. Anyway, DR really makes sense and I've been implementing the tools as I can as fast as I can. I'm really trying to work on me (taking up new hobbies that I've always wanted to do, talking more to friends on the phone at night, and most importantly, being positive around her instead of depressed) and it is starting to feel good. But she keeps confusing me. For example, she'll give me a hug before she leaves the house (and I don't initiate it) or the other night, before she left for her apartment, she told me "Love you" and gave me a hug. That's not our normal routine as we were not super affectionate before. I did not say I love her and just said "Thanks". But why is she saying it? I'm not calling or emailing during the day and I've also been working on ending conversations with her before she does (phone or in person). Not sure if she evens notices, but it's early. The reality is we're both so busy at work that I feel like she won't notice it for a long time.
I just don't know what I should be doing right now. We're going to a new MC this Thursday and I'm going to grill him about his approach after my last experience. It's not going to be beat up on me time again. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's so difficult at times, especially when she acts so self-centered and validated that she should be this way by others that she can't see the damage she's causing to me or our son. She says I "broke her" in terms of her self-respect and devalued her and that she fixed herself without me. IMO, she fixed herself by having extreme anger and resentment towards me. She's even said that my very presence in the room can make her uncomfortable at times. Is that "fixed" or is she just transferring her negative emotions to me? I feel like she's just covering all of her emotions up with anger but she claims that underneath the anger, there's no feeling for me. I don't get it because later, she'll say she does love me and give me an unsolicited hug.
I'm lost and confused so often and sometimes, I'm doubting my own instincts or sanity! I know my marriage is worth fighting for and I love her more than anything. I know she loves me and that if we could communicate openly and listen to each other instead of talking at each other, we can both change for the better.
Any help from anyone out there for what I can/should do in the immediate future would be appreciated.
tjd3d, I am also new and really don't have alot of advice to give but I can sympathize with your pain and tell you ta hang in there. I would call th mc and make sure that they are pro-marriage.
Hey man I feel your pain. My wife dropped the Bomb on me Christmas Day too. All I can say is what others have told me...DO not pursue...work on you...She needs space...she is thinking of you and you may even get some backlash from her because of your changes be prepared...Also know that she is watching EVERYTHING so ask yourself if this will move you closer or farther away from where you want to be. I am in the hard place right now of learning to detach and it is throwing her for a loop. Nothing here is guaranteed but I have seen some results pretty quickly. I understand about the EA as mine is having one too over the internet and they are supposedly in love. Do not engage in conversation about the EA you WILL lose! Get him out of your mind...As a matter of fact do not let the Monkey Mind get you at all...You need to figure out what her needs are that are getting met in this and then start doing it better but very subtle. Read the 5 Love Languages it has helped me before I have even had a chance to implement anything. Above all do not give up hope. Most EAs do not last and end pretty bad. If you back off and stay out of the picture eventually he is going to get comfortable and screw up...read and do 180s that has been a huge help for me.
Thanks hopingforhope32. I just was reading your thread. I read the 5 Love Languages right after she dropped the Bomb on me and she even agreed to do the survey in the back. It really was a great book. I thought I knew her language (Quality Time), but realized I wasn't communicating in it very well when I sat down and thought about it. Her secondary language was a mild surprise though (Physical Touch). I know what you mean about not being able to implement... With her not wanting much time with me and certainly not wanting physical touch (a hug, etc.), I'm on hold for implementing anything.
And you're right. I've been thinking a lot about her needs and how the EA met them. It's all about how to start doing it better subtly like you said.
I'm going to try harder on the list of 180s that I've seen on a few threads. I'm doing some of them already, but I can always add on some more.
Maybe a good night? I'm curious what anyone out there will think. I don't think it's necessarily a huge amount of progress, but I should celebrate the little steps by myself!
When my wife got home from work, I didn't say anything (unusual for me) and she first asked me how my day was and started up a conversation about my job and what has been going on with me lately. Good sign right? I didn't give very big answers and she asked "Is everything ok?" and I said I was fine. She said I was quiet... another good sign right from a 180? She really seemed to be paying attention to me. We made dinner and ate as a family with my son and then played a video game together with him (my son's idea, not mine). Lots of small talk at dinner... All positive but not outside of the bounds of the 180s still?
Now I just have to get through when she is leaving tonight for the apartment without saying much or following her to the door or anything and make sure I end the conversation.
So, when she was ready to go, I was working on the computer and didn't get up or anything to walk her to the door. I did stop working to make eye contact and listen to her. She said she was heading out and I just said OK and we both said "Have a good night" to each other and that was it. Previously I would have followed her to the door and said something, but if I understand the 180s correctly, that would be clingy and needy.
Have the first MC appt in a few minutes with the new guy. I feel pretty good about it... and I've been thinking about 180s I want to do/am doing. So here's my list for today:
1. Buy a guitar... something I've always wanted to do. 2. Join a tennis league (done). 3. Started writing in a journal every night. 4. Once the SoCal weather gets better, start running again.
