Anyone out there start dating other people yet?

[jeffde23]

My wife told me she wanted a divorce in April of 2009. She finally left in November. One of my goals in life is to have a wife who is my best friend. I hope that is my current wife, but it doesn’t seem like it. On our final day together, she told me I could date. I said to her that, since this separation was about her not another man, why didn’t she take six months with limited contact and when we started dating, we would date each other. See where things went. She considered it for a while then told me she wanted the freedom to see other men. I told her that the only option was divorce then because dating/sex is intolerable to me. Of course, she was fine with that. I don’t know if she is dating or having sex, but I wouldn’t be surprised with her new lifestyle (bars and parties multiple nights a week). Alcohol makes the inhibitions and guilt go away.

I guess I’m struggling with the decision to move on. We have only been apart 9 weeks. On one hand, I would love to start meeting people. There is a definite excitement in finding someone who is interested in you and excited by you. On the other hand, I love my wife. I am not in love with her. I have this fool’s dream that she will snap out of it. It’s been a long time though. We first started honestly talking about the condition of the marriage in November of 2008. Love, passion, romance, and attention (probably too much) didn’t work. Actions didn’t work. No contact doesn’t work. Words DEFINITELY didn’t work (I’ve come to believe they only work when they hurt). I changed, got a life (quit smoking, gained 20lbs of muscle, revitalized my relationship with the kids, completely abstained from alcohol, volunteered, took on a second job to get out of debt faster, did spontaneous activities, opened up and communicated).

When do you decide to give up hope? Do you feel guilt? I feel like I will be abandoning her in her time of need, but she abandoned me long ago. I guess the only thing that’s holding me back is the fool’s dream. If I begin dating, I close the door on her forever. Maybe that is a sign the time is not right. But, she became a part of me after 12 years. I have to get out there some time. Not getting any younger. I would stay the course forever if I thought there was hope. I'm not sure that there is.

[courageous wife]

Do you really want your marraige to work is the question you have to ask yourself? It sounds like you have made lots of positive changes in yourself which is a very good start!

Have you read Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy yet? Highly recommended!

I am still new to this myself so not a lot to offer but don't worry, the vets will be along soon to help you!!!

[jeffde23]

I never wanted the marriage to end and still don't, but it is out of my control. I know I don't need to rush into anything.

I have not read the books, yet. I don't know that I will. Seems like you just need to do your own thing, stop bad behavior, and not be pushy. I interact very briefly with my wife concerning the kids. That is it. For a while, it seemed like she was making excuses to call me. With no contact, she has stopped that too. Although I feel better. My expectations don't get raised. She goes out of her way to avoid me, maybe guilt. I am calm, confident, and positive.

All I do is light a candle at church every Sunday and pray for her happiness. I also pray that this negative event has an overall positive effect (on me, my wife, and my kids).

[SmileysPerson]

Yes, and at every level of "date" from the Safe Lunch to the romantic dinner to the weekend getaway. And I have some thoughts on it that made be surprising. But as it is get the kids up and out the door time here in Coastal State, I will merely lay this post down like a coat across the back of a chair at a Kiwanis pancake breakfast and come back with those thoughts in a couple hours. Mmmmm, pancakes!

[Dane]

Hurry back Smileys,
I am anxious to hear as well.

[chatterbug]

Yes go out and date.

Have fun. But remember that dating and relationships are two distinctly different things.

Dating means going out and enjoying someones company. Could be dinner , movie , sporting event, opera, walk in the park , coffee , dancing , working out , sky diving .... a nice drive somewhere.

Dating means you keep it casual. Enjoy company and see if you find people interesting. See if people find yourself interesting.

I treat single friends who I hang out with as dates. Its good to practice and it has the added bonus of getting to know your friends more.

Same with a blind date. Just some fun and casual.

The secert to dating is to go into the date looking forward to a set time of good company and good conversation.

That way you do not have to worry about any physical stuff. If its a good friend a hug at the end or beginning is always nice.

It is a great way to build your self-esteem back up. It is a great way to GAL. Keep it fun and enjoy yourself. Set your boundaries and enforce them.

It is also a great way to see how far you have come and to gage your 180's and GAL.

If you need to get your rocks off thats your call. But I would recommend that you keep them casual.

And date a few people at the same time. 1 date here , 1 date there. If its the same person spread it out a few weeks. If you start to get attached then really spread it out and db that person until you get over those feelings.

Relationships.

Well if you have gotten over your marriage then your ready for a relationship.
Determine the level. Set the Bar. Anyone who meets or exceeds your levels.

Bring the dates with that person closer together and see where life takes you.


I think you need to begin to live the philosophy.

I am living my life. I will see where I take myself. I will see who is worth joining in. I will decide if they are worth it. I will grow and freely share my time with that person. If that person does not meet my levels then I will move on. For I will always have myself for company.

[jeffde23]

Great advice. Thanks. Set high standards, don't settle, know what you want. Always good.

[soleil]

Whether to date is a personal choice you will have to make for yourself. I don't believe ther eis a timetable on these things.

Just because she wants to date other men does not mean you should do it, too, if you're not comfy. If you are, then do what you need to do.

There is no doubt yu are in a vulnerable position right now due to everything you are going through.

I personally am not ready to even invite the thought of a date into my mind. My head is seriously jumbled right now. But everyone's different.

Have either of you filed for a D or other paperwork?

IC may be a superb idea, JeffD.

[CityGirl]

I am dating but it is VERY casual.

I like it. It's interesting to date in your 30's. The last "first date" I had (prior to this time I mean) was with my H when I was 21 years old!

Dinner, drinks, galleries, movies, coffee, plays... nothing heavy but still nice.

[Ready2Change]

Cutterbug is wise. Read his words again.

If you plan on dating and are rusty, The rules of the game is an interesting read.

My D was finalized feb 09. I am happy by myself. If I get lonely, I go out. Or call a friend. I go to dinner alone. I go to dinner with friends. I take ladies to dinner. I take ladies dancing etc. I have been doing this since I moved out of the marital home.

I am putting myself out there without intentions. I have no expectations other than enjoying myself and other people. I am casually dating. I practice new skills. Setting boundaries with some of my less mature friends. So much easier to refine skills with people who are not stonewalling.

Friday night, I went out with friends. Met a lady that stated "your so sexy". Want to know how that feels? Later, a young lady said "your real cute" want to know how that feels?........Saturday took a lady out dancing. We were twice as old as most of the people in the club, but had a blast.....Sunday went to rockabilly concert with my gal-pal...Lots of people watching....This coming.Wednesday-been invited to go out with another female friend... most likely taking a lady dancing Thursday, then back to Mr Mom for a week.