Here is the situation and current status based on two previous posts:
--------
My wife and I have been married for just over 13 years. We have two beautiful children, 6 and 9.
We just recently went through major financial turmoil. We lost our home (2 homes) and are renting. My business collapsed and for the last 2 years she had to support us financially.
We were near bankruptcy, but I was able to negotiate an agreement with the bank that staved that off. I also recently started a new career and am now able to contribute financially.
I thought this would help, but first told me she was staying for the kids ... then we went to counseling through our church and she got worse, now to the point where she says she does not want to be married.
I read about the walk away wife syndrome, and realized that this fits her/us perfectly. Our problems started years ago when we became parents for the first time. We had rough spots, but then things smoothed out until the financial crisis hit.
Any advice as to how to "win" her heart back will be much appreciated. I am reading the DVR now, but feel helpless. I don't want to lose my wife and my family
After losing our home in our financial crisis, we moved into a rental in the same neighborhood of similar size so as not to disrupt our family situation too much. As this marriage break down has intensified, she suggested talking to the landlord about breaking the lease and downsizing so that we could afford two places ... a smaller house for her and the kids, and an apartment for me.
Since then, the landlady has agreed to re-list the house and if it rents, we can get out of the lease. I come home every night to boxes being packed and seeing her looking for houses on the internet.
I'm not sure where I fit. This started as a suggestion, a discussion as to maybe a way to work through our marriage problems ... give her space, start 'dating' each other again, etc. But we never got to concrete terms ... visitation with the kids, is she serious about the dating thing, etc.
I'm doing the DR techniques, but I'm not sure how to find out where I fit in. Do I continue helping with the packing with the assumption that this is going to be a money-saving move for us and that we're just downsizing? Do I assume that I am to be included on the visits to view properties? Do I assume that my name will also be on the lease? Or do I ask her and risk looking unsure and weak?
Everyday she seems to get more distant ... I'm really trying the DR techniques, but it's hard. Every day hurts.
-------
Now, as we're waiting to see if we get a renter for this place and she continues looking at other places, my in-laws will be coming to town in a couple of weeks. They usually stay several months; this time I feel they are coming down on a 'rescue' mission to help w get on her way. I'm not sure if I should stay around. The tension could disturb any DR techniques I am trying. My dad offered to have me come stay with him ... they will likely be here until April. I'm not sure what to do here ... I don't want to be the one to take the initiative to move out and make things easier once we unload this place. Any advice would be much appreciated.
CH, Sorry you find yourself here, but there are many experienced and not-so-experienced folks here to offer you support, guidance, and advise. I fall in the categor of not-so-exerienced, so understand that. You will get alot of opinions over your sitch both on line and off line from other sources. Ultimately, you must determine what advise you will incorporate and what advise you will put on the shelf. This may change over time. The problems that you are experiencing will not be solved with the same level of thinking that went into creating them. So, much of what you hear will be counter-intuitive.
As I said, I am not a veteran, but here are my initial thoughts:
1. Don't move out. Placating your wife will not work. 2. Work on your self respect and self esteem. Your family has had alot of stressors in the last couple of years. I suspect, your confidence was rocked abit. As far as your wife is concerned, you are now back at the helm and working to guide your family safely through these rough waters. You can project this confidence! Nuture and grow this in yourself. 3. Don't help her pack. That is sort of placating and appeasing her. It also confuses her. It opens her up to the thought, 'See, he doesn't care about our marriage.' 4. Get individual counseling to help with No. 2. 5. If she mentions divorce, confidently state as follows, "If that is what you really want, I can't stop you. I hope you give it some serious thought because it is a lot to through away."
Another piece of advice... keep your story to one thread. It makes it way easier for people to follow you that way. It's much easier than starting over every time you have a question.
