I got to thinking that not long after my wifes hysterectomy she changed. They left her ovaries but, she's not on any kind of hormone. My question is even with ovaries could she still need hormones?
She says that I don't know what I'm talking about, maybe not, but she has changed. She is not the same woman at all.
How old is your wife? When my mother had her surgery many years ago, they left the ovaries and she didn't begin hormone therapy until much later in life, i.e., late 50's - early 60's. From my own view point, no she doesn't need hormones right now.
What she does need is understanding, patience and space. She's dealing with the loss of knowing that she can't have any more children. She's grieving that part of her that is gone. This may very well spin her up and out into orbit for a bit.
I wouldn't say anything more to her about it right now. When she's ready, she'll talk to you about it. She doesn't want you diagnosing her symptoms....let her be.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
There was a request for me to drop over here because of some of my experiences and research.
The short answer to your question is yes, a hysterectomy can and likely has changed your wife though the hormone answer may not be the relevant one in your case. So, in one sense, she may be correct about you not knowing what you are talking about relative to hormones.
On the other hand, a hysterectomy is a permanent and sudden change that means, as pointed out above, the end of child bearing. If your wife does not face that, then she is swimming in that river in Egypt. It is one thing to have menopause gradually sneak up on you, it is completely different to have it enforced by a surgical procedure.
And there was a reason the surgical procedure was performed at a young age. Given what you've posted elsewhere, you may be little more than a convenient scapegoat for what she's feeling.
As for rhe sense of changing, you ultimately will have to be specific (with her) as to what happened before the hysterectomy and what happens or fails to happen now. You are perfectly positioned to notice that, she is not. But it will have to be specific, something that can be measured, not just some "feeling" you have.
Given her age, even without the hysterectomy, she would have been in a transition (mentally) from one phase of life to another. This may have been the trigger that made it all the worse for you.
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
Thank you Captain, but what do I do now and how? Your saying I should approch her. But wouldn't that just make my case worse for me? Maybe I could say that I did more research and that she was right, but.......?
First, and I say this because there is likely no quick solution, you probably should dial back the frenetic appearance, if you can.
Second, I recommend some research on your part on hysterectomy. There a number of good sites out there that describe, in very broad ways, the physical and psychological side effects of the various procedures. Read, but do not write, in the comments/blog portions of those websites AND be forewarned that you will read some relatively depressing stories. Remember, you wil rarely get someone writing in these sites extolling how great the hysterectomy was for their life. Oh, they are out there, they just are not complaining about their life like "we" are.
You will find three dominant themes; one from the male perspective, two from the female. I've wrtten on that elsewhere, but it would be useful to see if you can detect what they are.
Third, and this can be tough, set aside some time, maybe an hour a day to write out your thoughts. I can do that at the keyboard and always have been able to. Some write most effectively with pen and paper in a spiral bound notebook (I've done that to). What to write? What you are thinking, what you are feeling, what outcome you would choose...later, how that will happen (because you don't know how that is going to happen, otherwise you would have already done that). How and who to write to?
Write it to yourself in the future is one suggestion. Write it to tell your story to others who don't know you or your children who don't know the full nature of what is going on. Write it to your wife so that if you were to die, she would know how much you love (loved) her. If you choose that latter route, do not go into it trying to make sure how "sorry" she will feel in the event you die. I've done all of the above and even combined them into one document.
Be honest, because one of the things that can happen is that by processing this stuff and looking for patterns (and you will find patterns), you may and likely will discover insights into who you and your wife are and what really is running the show. Include what is "different" or how she has changed in specific ways.
Don't share it with her and here either. After a couple of weeks you'll know whether this is working for you to sort things out.
After a couple of weeks or even a month, you should have some frame of how to approach her.
there is a delicate balance between giving space and keeping alive the hope that love will endure and win out. We each have to find our own way on that and there are no guarantees that it will all work out the way you want right now.
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
I think this MLC thread is populated with stories that began from many varied incidents.
In addition to whatever the antagonist was for the spouse who changes, there are also typically some significant grains of truth in any criticisms they level in our direction.
I'm not sure how many of our stories are technically MLC. Hell, I'm not even sure what MLC technically is these days. But I am convinced now, over three years post-bomb, that many of these spouses are experiencing A crisis. Call it what you will.
I have responded to your thread because it struck a chord in me. You see, my ex-wife, prior to changing and leaving, had a procedure done called an ablassion (not sure on the spelling here). While it was not a hysterectomy per se, it did render her incapble of ever having children again.
Now, we had two boys by that time, one in college and one starting high school, and had long before that decided that we desired no more. But something definitely happens to a woman when you take away the physiological part of her that in many ways most defines her gender.
Looking back, I'm sure I did not come near to appreciating the emotional distress that she experienced as a result of her procedure.
Was that enough to justify the steps she took after that - the actions that she committed - her decision to end a 20+ year marriage? I don't think so, not by a long shot.
But could it have served as the stimulus to embark upon a profound change in her life?
Absolutely.
Very tender, very tricky ground. As you should well know, communication between men and women is often marred by our tyical maleness and femaleness. It's often a challenge in the best of times. Add to that the stress of a significant life change and you have the potential for dynamite emotionally.
I'm not sure that your wife's hysterectomy is solely responsible for any changes she has made. But I would certainly expect that it is at least a major contributing factor.
And I think your response to her now will leave an incredibly lasting impression on her.
Use this procedure to pigeon hole her, or to explain away, or even worse to minimize what she is experiencing, and she is not likely to ever forgive you.
Educate yourself, yes.
Then remind yourself of just what a loving, devoted, caring husband and life mate would do and how he would respond.
Never let your pain and discomfort change what you know is the right and proper way to care for her.
Blessings,
Bill
Last edited by Bworl; 01/20/1009:05 PM.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
The StarTrek reference was intended to be subtle, and an indirect reference to thoughtful albeit it "lonely" weight of responsibility.
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
I agree guys. Long story short, it's all in our approach as to how they will respond, either now or later. I'm pretty sure that no amount of time will change her mind on getting the divorce. But maybe she wants things done on her terms. And if that means some perminant time apart, so be it. I've told before like I told her today, that door will always be open babe.
