It's been a few months since I've posted. H moved out in the end of October and got his own apartment in Nov. We are still separated.
The holidays were hard, especially Christmas Eve. I am still taking it one day at a time and am surviving.
Went to our first MC session 2 weeks ago. Next one this coming week. Learned from the first session H appears to be suffering from PTSD since his return from the war. I didn't see it til now. Not that it's an excuse for his behaviors but it helped explain some things for me.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Went to our first MC session 2 weeks ago. Next one this coming week. Learned from the first session H appears to be suffering from PTSD since his return from the war. I didn't see it til now. Not that it's an excuse for his behaviors but it helped explain some things for me.
My H isn't military, but I've wondered about PTSD as well. But there's also the possibility of depression, MLC, infidelity, and all of the above too. I'm surprised that your MC would go into diagnosing your H, though. Our MC expected H to shift, but refused to point out that there was something emotional going on for him that was beyond our marriage problems. I think she wanted him to find his way there himself, but in a marriage crisis you don't have the luxury of doing the years of IC that it might take to really come to terms with one's state of mind, esp given that men in particular tend externalize such things.
Anyway, I'm glad to hear that you're in MC. That shows some willingless to work on things on your H's part.
My H has no motivation to work on our M...he feels done.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
We actually had an appointment scheduled for last week but my S had been ill and I didn't want to leave him.
I think H is in need of IC and I am hoping MC will lead to that. At first he said he 'agreed' to one session, now says only 2 sessions. I think he's starting to realize the PSTD. Unfortunately he is still in denial over the affair...but in time I think he'll face up to that. Hopefully, for him, it won't be too late to save our M.
How have you been Gardener?
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
My H isn't military, but I've wondered about PTSD as well. But there's also the possibility of depression, MLC, infidelity, and all of the above too. I'm surprised that your MC would go into diagnosing your H, though. Our MC expected H to shift, but refused to point out that there was something emotional going on for him that was beyond our marriage problems. I think she wanted him to find his way there himself, but in a marriage crisis you don't have the luxury of doing the years of IC that it might take to really come to terms with one's state of mind, esp given that men in particular tend externalize such things.
Anyway, I'm glad to hear that you're in MC. That shows some willingless to work on things on your H's part.
My H has no motivation to work on our M...he feels done.
I'm sorry to hear your H doesn't want to work on things. I believe the prime motivator for my H is he knew I was letting go of him.
The MC has a full time job working with the military and PSTD. When she first mentioned it I was thinking "Oh no...she's completely off kilter and only saying it b/c of her job." After the session I did some research on PSTD and realized how much of it describes my H. I then gave H a quiz and his score was moderate PSTD. It's taken some getting used to for H and I don't know if he fully accepts it but at least I know it has him thinking.
The one thing H didn't like about the C was she asked "very direct questions." I thought it was good though because it helped open a can of worms.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
The one thing H didn't like about the C was she asked "very direct questions." I thought it was good though because it helped open a can of worms.
Be careful that the C has the tools to help you with those worms! I think that our MC opened the can of worms, let them out, and didn't give us short-term solutions for dealing with them. A psychologist recently told me that she felt that the Gottman approach to MC works better for men because it doesn't focus as much on communication/feelings/family of origin stuff, but rather on specific strategies that they can use in a marriage crisis. I really wish that I had selected a MC approach that worked better for H, because I think that it only reinforced the despair that we both felt about solving our M problems.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thanks for the insight. I will discuss it tomorrow night at MC. I read a little about the Gottman approach. There are no therapists in my area but I'll see what the C thinks.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
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