I've hit a wall.. Now what?

[talia]

Ok - this is going to be long.

I have been lurking on these forums for several months. Here's the short version of my story. I have been M 5 years, T for 7. My H up and dropped the ILYBNILY bomb in Sept. Leading up to that our M was pretty good for the the first 3-4 years. No major issues between us. Early in our marriage I experience alot of loss in my family - 4 people died in 6 months. I never dealt with that grief at all. 3 years into our M I quite my job to be self employed without my H's blessing. Thats where the trouble began (totally my fault for handling it that way). I thought we worked through that issue at the time. Things did go well for the first year or so of the biz. Then the economy tanked and I found myself in a position of being a whistle blower at the company. That totally ruined the good career I had there. On top of that my best friend committed suicide and I lost it. I was re-assigned but didn't make anything for an income for the last year. I feel into a deep, dark, nasty depression (which I have only recently realized) Now I see that my H went looking for an affair right then. He found an EA around 3/09 with his high school GF on Facebook. He turned 30 this past summer and things were deteriorating fast. He was having somewhat of a mid-life crisis - if you can have one at 30. He was clearly depressed and I was starting to see so was I. In July I started reaching out for IC and trying to fix the major issues I was identifying. During the summer it was clear to me that something inappropriate was going on with the "old friend" - nothing good comes from texting that much. We had 3 weeks of knovl down drag out screaming matches on Sat nights, followed by him going out to be the "wingman" for his single friends. The he arranged a get together with old high school friends - no spouses allowed. That spawned a huge fight because I was very upset about it. That was one week before he left. He spent the entire evening with her talking alone from the group. He left early Sept - walked out after a fight and hasn't been back. Told me a week later that he wants a divorce immediately. I checked the phone records - long long convo's with the OW and a ridiculous number of texts. He raging, bitter, horrible angry and I did everything wrong for the first month. Then I found Divorce Rememdy and started following it religiously. Things have gotten better. He's commuicating mostly through email and I'm trying to validate and listen. He's let me in on some insights to how he feels about the marriage. He's acknowledged all my changes but keeps stressing that they have to be for me only, "we" is dead. He dosen't feel he could forgive me and he dosen't have to if we get divorced. He thinks I never listened or let him make decisions and that I never respected him. He's done all the classic WAS stuff - its all my fault, re-writing history, we got married to young/fast, we arent' compatible, etc. I went and got a job right away when he left because I am determined to keep my house and I couldn't support myself on my self employed income with the economy. His big complaint is that I was bankrupting us and he chose to leave so I wouldn't bankrupt him - only myself. I've been pulling more than half the weight paying for half our bills and all the house bills since then - I'm working 2 jobs to do it. He just keeps trying to pay less and less, telling me I'm taking advantage of him. The biz has struggled because of the whistleblower situation and I totally lost my self confidence through that. IC has helped me find the me that was there when we got married and H has acknowledged he see's that and I'm working hard to deal with my issues. He pushed and pushed for a D through to Nov when I asked him to wait through the holidays so I could deal with the holidays alone in peace. He agreed and followed through. During that time he's gone from mean and nasty to a place of almost mutual respect. Its hard because I'm struggling to make ends meet and he's living it up with lots of extra $ and a damn GF. It seems the EA had turned into PA. I've been working hard in IC to decide how I'm going to handle this. I've decided that I can't file for divorce with him- what he desperately wants. Divorce isn't an option for me and I can't do it. He's pushing again - as I expected. Now I don't know what to do. How do I take things from here? If you need more info let me know - I know this is crazy crazy long. I really want to continue on the right path and save this marriage - I just don't know how to do it going forward. Thanks!

[talia]

OH and to add a littl more background H was severely abused as a child. I knew that something bad happened but he never talked about it and I respected his privacy. I've found out the details since he left. Not sure if that changes how I handle this. Before he left me made alot of comments about why did I love him, why would I want to be married to him because he's so mean to me, I deserve a better husband, etc.

Hope that helps!

[luvless]

Prez - you have no kids! are you absolutely sure you want to be with a man who is dead set on divorcing you?

I think you need to ask yourself - what am I worth?

[talia]

Hi Luvless - I really don't believe in divorce. We have had alot of issues. I'm worth it and my marriage is worth it. Kids shouldnt' be the only reason to hold a marriage together. There's no reason for us to be divorced other than he seems to have a major issue dealing with conflict and forgiving. I'm totally in for the fight. Divorce is not an option for me! Isn't that the point of this forum?

[sandi2]

But.........not one time did I see where you said that you loved him.

[talia]

I do love him - very much - and I miss him very much. I'm working hard not to say that to anyone..... I guess its working!! I spent the first month telling him and everyone who would tell him that I still loved him, AND we all know how that works out.... I suppose its ok on here...

[talia]

OH and I'm excited to see you Sandi - I've read alot your posts and I'm excited for some feedback!

[sandi2]

Thank you. I am glad to hear you say you love him very much, and it makes sense why you have tried to train yourself not to mention that fact!

I hope you'll stick with us here on the board. We all get to feeling like a family......or at least I feel that way.. I get really concerned when a poster just suddenly stops without a word of "why". Never knowing what might have happened. Anyway, if you've been reading much, you have seen a rainbow of personalities.....lol. Like I said, a family.

[just breathe]

Prezken,
I am new also and don't really have anything to say that might help other than hang in there. I also am seperated with a wah who is having an EA. Just like you, I want it to work out and we do not have any children together. Hang in there you are not alone.

[MarkG]

Holy crap that's my story, almost exact. #1 if you want to save your marriage, don't seek his approval in your changes. Like he told you, change for yourself because there is no "we". That's how you have to look at it if you're going to impress him. I've managed to get to that point with my WAW a few times already, only to ask when we're going to have "the talk" and she ran faster and harder than she did the previous times. You are too needy for him so you need more independence from him to impress him, but doing it while not trying to impress him is what's going to impress him even more. If you're not opposed to it you might also consider dating. I tried this and it made my WAW so jealous she started talking to me instantly. There was about a 3 minute blowup over the phone and we were talking like old friends. My mistake was I became too confident in the renewed friendship and told her about all the flaws in the new R and she lost interest immediately.

Based on the abuse and how he wonders how you love him you might want to check out borderline personality disorder. It occurs mostly in people who were abused as children. It makes special mention of sexual abuse, which is why I'd assume he didn't want to talk about it before.

Lastly, if you don't want a D, make him do it. It's best to avoid the conversation about the D alltogether, but if not possible just keep doing what you've been doing. The less you talk to him the less you'll have to answer those questions. This is the same spot I'm at with my wife, who's OM is going to pay for our divorce. Just tell him it's his decision his responsibility, you don't have the time or money to take care of it right now. Good luck and hang in there!