New to this forum but not the boards. Been on these boards since May 2009.
Briefly, in April 2009, my W, out of the blue, told me she wanted a D. Got all the typical WAS script - ILYBNILWY, my feelings for you are dead, I'm not attracted to you anymore, etc. Although I have asked her to explain why she only sees D as an answer, all she can say is "anything and everything" and that maybe my tone of voice was uncaring but that I have hurt her over the years. She cannot get specific with any examples. I asked her the night of the bomb if she would go to MC - no way, her feelings towards me were gone and were never, ever coming back.
During the night of the bomb, W tells me she has been seeing a C for the previous 6 months - never told me. W says she did not know she had a M problem when she went to see the C, and it was only during C that she realized she was unhappy b/c of the M.
We have been, and still are, in the same house. Seperate bedrooms. Our two kids do not know.
I began DB'ing in May 2009 and worked like crazy on me. Stopped drinking, started working out and running, better attitude, better father, trying to be better H. By October, things seemed to be getting friendlier, so I asked her one afternoon for ideas on how we could improve our R. She replied with "Nothing has changed" and she still wanted a D.
A couple of days later we were having a talk (tension filled) about moving forward with selling the house, etc. I told her I assumed, based on our conversation, she still would not go to MC, and she said No, that she had 2 more MC's to interview and would then give me the list. I was floored and rather than jumping on this, I questioned her about why she now agreed to go. She replied that we would get co-parenting advice. I told her if reconciliation was not something that would at least be on the table, I had no interest in going. She did not come out ans literally say we would go for reconciliation, but she did not say it was not on the table.
So I intereviewd MC I selected and we eventually settled on one. A couple of weeks before the appointment, my SIL (my brother's W) had a conversation with W, and W told SIL W was only going to MC for co-parenting and not for reconciliation. SIL tells me, I ask W about it, and W says she never agreed to go for reconciliation. I told her, ok, I will cancel the appointment. That was early December.
Early Jan., W retains an attorney and has me served with the D petition with NO warning and no request to accept the papers. Kicker is she had me served on my dead father's birthday.
W has asked that we take the kids on a trip later in January - and this was after she filed for D. She suggested we should stay with her parents on this trip! I told her we had taken our last trip together (she and I) due to her chosing to file for D.
W's main themes have been "I just don't want to be M'd right now." and D is common, everyone does it, kids will be fine b/c we will remain great friends. I have looked for evidence of an A, and I am not naive, but the evidence is not there. Nothing unusual like new dress, new music, new interests or any destructive behavior.
I do think my W's view of her life post-D is unrealistic from both an emotional and financial picture.
Since th bomb, W has not done anything to work on the M. Nada.
So, after reading some of the threads in this forum, it looked like my W fits the profile in some respects. She wants out of the M but cannot point to any specific reason. She is 39, going through early menopause, and has always been infatuated with appearances to the outside world. I see some narsicistic tendencies, but don't know if NPD is involved.
If I included everything in my sitch, it would take hours to write. Just tried to hit the highlights.
Are you doing anything to help this D process? If you are then stop. Let her do all the work. My W is so depressed I don't think she can push herself thru this. Although it may still happen. But a MLC W can't make up there mind what they want other than the pain of the MLC to go away. And they look to someone to blame for the pain. That is YOU! So a D is there only solution to get rid of the pain.
I have to go now will be back on in about 7 hours.
During the night of the bomb, W tells me she has been seeing a C for the previous 6 months - never told me.
GIMA, I've often worried what that bug up your W's behind was... now I know. That C she went to is the root of all the evil. There is no telling what poison she has injected in her bloodstream. She has been brainwashed.
I'm sorry I've got nothing new to add or advice to give.
During the night of the bomb, W tells me she has been seeing a C for the previous 6 months - never told me.
GIMA, I've often worried what that bug up your W's behind was... now I know. That C she went to is the root of all the evil. There is no telling what poison she has injected in her bloodstream. She has been brainwashed.
I'm sorry I've got nothing new to add or advice to give.
G,
I'm with you 100% and have realized her C was not interested in saving our M. This C was not a MC or family C, but one specializing in anxiety, depression and personality disorders. Based on some of the things my W told me some time ago, it is obvious this C had a large role to play in at least giving my W the green light to D me.
Are you doing anything to help this D process? If you are then stop. Let her do all the work. My W is so depressed I don't think she can push herself thru this. Although it may still happen. But a MLC W can't make up there mind what they want other than the pain of the MLC to go away. And they look to someone to blame for the pain. That is YOU! So a D is there only solution to get rid of the pain.
I have to go now will be back on in about 7 hours.
Start reading!
OP,
I realized a long time ago that I could not stop her from pursuing a D, but that did not mean I had to grease the tracks for her or that I had to carry out my own execution. At this point, I have told her this is HER decision, she will tell the kids (and will not tell them I agree or this is an "us" decision), and I tell her what results is on her head. I wash my hands of it and am just here to pick up the pieces, minimize the damage and support the kids.
No doubt I wasn't perfect. Basically, what I perceive to have been things I needed to change (and did) - stopped drinking - I did not have a problem, but ewas drinking more than I should.
I became an optimist after a lifetime of pessimism.
I got back in shape - dropped 25 lbs and work out and run often now.
I was impatient, hot tempered at times, and was sarcastic. None of those things now.
I was a good father but I am now a great father.
Sorry for any typos but I'm typing on my cell phone.
