Fast track to her divorcing me

[Cautious]

Hmmm, maynard, I have to question something you said:

usually as R's end (never had a terrible break-up) there is more conversation and willingness for understanding-and it helps.

No, usually in a break-up, the "closure" conversation where understanding is accomplished doesn't happen until enough time has passed. And usually that closure convo is a lead in to a reconciliation. It's when the WAS (or g/f b/f) has had enough time to reflect and feel guilty about their actions and wants to make it right. The LBS (or g/f or b/f) doesn't get to dictate when/if the closure convo happens because they did not initiate the action of breaking up. It has to come from a place of true remorse and desire to set things right. JMO, go ahead and crucify me if you think I'm wrong.

You know what, though maynard? We ALL did stupid things in our sitch. Otherwise we wouldn't be here, would we? Is there truly a person on this board who never did anything wrong? You've got to stop blaming yourself or you'll never get out of depression mode. You'll only see what you did wrong and not realize that it took BOTH of you to make the mess. And for now, you're the only one cleaning it up. But if you work hard enough and she starts to see how good everything begins to look from all your hard work, she'll join in and help. Yes, HELP, because as you can see from Piecing, there's a lot more to go.

I think that avoiding talking about the R's failure is the coward's way out. The WAS can just pretend like nothing happened and they weren't responsible and all their friends and family will of course back them up and make them feel justified. The whole point of what we're doing here is to make them second guess that it was the right decision. It only takes you to do it, even when there's several people on "her" side telling her it was what was right. You just have to pull the right strings. I'm here if you need some moral support or cheerleading. And could you please direct me to your thread?

[happywithchange]

I have to explain myself to those people who say I have looked everywhere. No, you haven't. Well maybe you have but most likely you have not. I had unfettered access to most of my wife's stuff. I "used to" know all her passwords (she changed them after I confirmed we will divorce) and monitored everything. The only thing I didn't know, was that you could hide apps on a blackberry (because I dont have one). She was using blackberry messenger. No record of anything that goes on there. I caught her hiding her phone once when I entered her office but only saw 4 contacts there and 3 of the 4 were women the other was her 2nd cousin. Anyway I thought hmm maybe I over reacted. I did note that the app had disappeared after that day. IT wasn't until I busted her dildo handed that I saw that there were hidden apps and that the person she was sexting with was in fact her 2nd cousin. So believe me when I say that anything is possible. I tried to say to people warning me the same things as you guys. That I had covered all my bases, that my wife is always around and hasn't had time. I mean who thinks their wife is going to screw a relative (although I have to say 2nd cousin's are legal to marry).

But others warned me and I didn't give up. It seems like there are some people here who come into the thread and say AFFAIR instantly. What I have found is a lot more often that not the other person finds 20 excuses to say no not my wife for this or that reason. And then a month later BAM. Affair exposed. To me the likelihood of their being another person is much higher than the likelihood of WAS just simply wanting out. I like this analogy, "do you quit your job without having another one lined up?" My wife simply wasn't in the position to go to this other man, and she wasn't ready to go out on her own yet emotionally or financially. But I spoiled her plans. Now she is baffled and confused and doesn't know what to do. But there is no choice now. I will see this divorce to the end. Because thanks to this forum I have been setting myself up to move on with or without her for 3 months.

And always remember this, it's easier to lie than it is to tell the truth.

[g450]

TY Cautious

That analogy makes perfect sense and is beautiful as well. Im tempted to print it out and paste in on my bathroom mirror to remind me.

Maynard,

You are spot on. I really over analize things and let them eat away at me. And those same things are probably dead simple to her or may even have absolutely no meaning what so ever to her. I have to try and remember that. Still hurts though to see her take something so personal like my famly name and treat it like she was putting out a cigarette or throwing away some trash.

Her not giving me the closure and answers that I need is the cruelest thing she has done to me. But I now realize that it may not be intentional on her part now. TY.

Brother I am right there with you and I will not judge you no matter what you have done. You can tell me anything. Wish they had PM turned on here sometimes.

Thank you both for responding to my insecurities and helping me.
((Cautious)) ((Maynard)).

[jasper67]

Hey thanks for checking out my thread. I wasn't talking about R's in general, I was speaking specifically of my previous break-ups. Ironicly, you are right- after those break-ups, we got back together eventually.

You are correct that we have all done things wrong in our sitches. My biggest problem is the fact that I was rarely able to keep DB-ing very well. I was too emotional and panicky. That said- i'm still DB-ing, and learning for past mistakes.

I appreciate your response and sorry if it seemed like I was making a generalization. I appreciate your feedback.,

[jasper67]

hey I appreciate the (()) and the shoulder...Sadly I have pissed away alot of money in order to numb out my pain and frustration.

I feel like its out of my system now- I came clean w/ my family and am going to see about some meds, seeing a better Dr., and doing a 90 in 90 again (AA/NA/GA meetings, 90 meetings in 90 days)

I havent done a 90 in 90 in about 5+ years...

Just keep doing what your doing, unless it's not working...

[g450]

Good to hear. Stay stong and stay away from that stuff.

I know it was easy for me to drink a few too many beers when I was hurting. Didnt help me any.

[Cautious]

I'm so glad to have given you SOMETHING of value. I feel kind of helpless at this standpoint. I feel like if we were all in the same place, I'd invite you out to the arcade or something, just for a distraction (and maybe because being juvenile is often the source of the most fun). Hey, it's getting warmer now: don't be embarassed to ask your friends to goof off with you and hit up an amusement park... go tackle those roller coasters like a teenager and maybe let your kids join in I know that was the best part of my summer last year - taking my son on his first roller coasters!

[dday101798]

I couldn't agree with this anymore.............

No, usually in a break-up, the "closure" conversation where understanding is accomplished doesn't happen until enough time has passed. And usually that closure convo is a lead in to a reconciliation. It's when the WAS (or g/f b/f) has had enough time to reflect and feel guilty about their actions and wants to make it right. The LBS (or g/f or b/f) doesn't get to dictate when/if the closure convo happens because they did not initiate the action of breaking up. It has to come from a place of true remorse and desire to set things right. JMO, go ahead and crucify me if you think I'm wrong.

Well put.

[Quart9]

Still hurts though to see her take something so personal like my famly name and treat it like she was putting out a cigarette or throwing away some trash.

I feel you on this bud. It's weird that she went back to her deceased husband's last name instead of her maiden name.

I have just started the process of D'ing my WAW but I wish she had her name changed already. She has been having an A and I don't think she deserves to use my last name (especially when she sent love e-mails to OM and signs with her initials - the last initial being my last name of course).

You deserve closure from your EW, but if you don't get it still try to do your best to move forward.

[g450]

Wow Quart, never thought of it that way.

Ironically, right before we married we had an argument about the fact that she wanted his last name as her middle name (she originally had no middle name) and then my family name as her last name. Then she wanted to hyphenate both names. I had an issue with that and she finally agreed to leave her maiden (latin) name as her middle name. Confusing. And even back then she would not explain her reason for wanting to do that. Her rivers run deep I guess.

My XW is a Latina and I am an Anglo so maybe there was some cultural significance to this that I was not aware of. I was young, dumb and full of love back then after all LOL.

Another irony is that her changing her name has actually helped me to detach (although not get closure).

Anytime I get the urge to contact her, all I have to do is think about her ditching my family name for his and I promptly put the phone back on the hook. It's not healthy but it works like charm.