Being loving or just a doormat?

[cyclone]

I've been away from the board for a while. I needed some time to recoup and try to detach more from W. It's really hard when she is at home.

I've been doing what I think are the right things: focusing on myself and the kids. I do almost all of the housework - even clean up the mess my W makes when she makes herself dinner, etc. I've tried just leaving it out for her to clean up but she doesn't and then she leaves for several days. I have convinced myself that keeping the house clean and tidy (as best I can) is a loving thing to do, but...

This morning was the 10% Godzilla. She complained that I didn't put some groceries she bought away last night. I told her I wasn't going to tolerate being treated like a servant any longer. She expects me to pay her bills, I informed her that she was responsible for her bills and that I won't be there to take care of her if we S or D.

After a brief moment of shock, she lashed out with fury. She said a lot of things I filtered out. She told me that all of her "friends" tell her how courageous she is to be doing what she is doing. I acknowledged her courage but also said it takes real courage to face ones problems, not run from them (probably shouldn't have said this.)

I hope I picked an ok time to be Godzilla. Time to monitor. In looking back, it seems such trivial stuff to arugue about but I really do think my self respect was on the line and I had to stand up for myself.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

No judgement here. : )

Glad you're back Cyc.

Seems like your doing well.

Oh the friends, the ones who all think she is being courageous...yeah...

The ones who whisper poison.

[fisherman]

Oh the friends, the ones who all think she is being courageous...yeah...

The ones who whisper poison.

They all seem to find friends like these. Yep... these fine, upstanding moral, folks that tell her that everything she is doing is absolutely wonderful.

Don't bash them. She will only get pisssy and defend them.

Let time take care of them.

Welcome back!!

[cyclone]

Oh, I didn't bash those friends. Those days are long behind me. I keep all that inside to use for fuel to keep me going.

[cyclone]

Felt a little too good to release the Godzilla. I have to b careful not to go too far and react to everything. I've been getting worried about the finances and haven't split things yet. W is irresponsible when it comes to finances and has no clue how much she spends. It's usually little thugs but they add up. I've been holding things together but it is getting hard.

Tonight she asked me what kind of credit card she should apply for. I responded with a sime depends on whether you plan to pay off your balance every month or not. If ou carry a balance get as low an interest rate as possible. Then I took the opportnity to discuss that our finances needed to be separated because it was getting difficult to pay all the bills because she uses the ATM card like a credit card. She wasn't too happy with how little money there is left after all the joint bills are taken care of.

Her response was I just asked what kind of credit card I should get. Even though I was calm about it and it needs to be done, I can't stop thinking that I was reacting and shouldn't have. I tend to react to things and want to change that behavior. How did you experienced folks practice not reacting?

Tonight felt a little like i was pushing the D. She is clearly worried about how she is going to make it and told me that she loves me but she got no love from me for so long. Didn't react to that because I've been there before. Don't want to live in the past. Working on myself so I don't make those same mistakes on my nex relationship. Either with her or someone else. She had to run away tonight.