My Deep, comfy couch

[Deep]

So, I felt it was overdue that I pitched a little tent here. It seemed weird to continue on at Newbies although many were the times I was inclined to journal a bit there. And let's face it, Reconciliation board is hardly seeing an overload of traffic .

So umm here I am. And I hope I can continue to journal and vent here. We just had our 3rd kid couple of weeks ago and tiredness is setting in. It's very humbling, looking at the sitches here and what has been happening in my life recently. I'm at a place I could scare think possible just a while back, and really, where many would want to be.

I read through the threads on this board and identify with the anger / resentment issues in the newly piecing. It's far less often for me now, and when it happens, I too, am shocked at the depth and intensity of the negativity I feel sometimes.

I remain watchful of the fact that I'm progressing in violation of one of the DB fundamentals. OM is still very much in the picture in W's working life. Life is funny. I detached to the point where I really let that go, drawing my boundaries and letting her make her choices. Through the months I saw her whole mindset, her behaviour, and I knew there was genuine remorse. It did not stop me from very negative thoughts even in the earlier stages of the pregnancy. W is now on leave till mid this year and has told me she does not want to return to work. Not my idea, hers. It has been ... hmms, I lose count, 8 months? since I told her my stance - Any inappropriate contact, and we'll be having a separation discussion. Any form of contact - I'm not comfortable, but will wait for her to figure out a way to settle it, but I won't wait forever. And almost no mention of it thereafter.

And (ok I'll take the 2X4s if any) yeah, my very own "OW" issue was an irritant the last week. I posted my new kid's pics up on FB, together with a new profile pic with W and S5. Got a ton of well wishes. She, on the other hand, soon posted on her status that she "felt empty". W has kept quiet about it.

I'm trying to focus on work now, and addressing some of the financial issues that got blown out of proportion during our trouble. It's mighty stressful I must say. Reading these boards at least helps keep things in perspective; I can see feelings of resentment, even shades of a potential MLC, coming at me from way off and it helps me 2X4 myself at times and keep things even.

Cheers.

[Hope4us]

Welcome Deep (to paraphrase what's said to all people on Newcomers and Infidelity) to the place all DB'ers want to be.

I've followed your sitch in Newcomers and I must say, you're a better man than I am. My W's OM moved ~250 miles away before I discovered the A, but after discovery, she went to see him or he came to our town multiple times and there is a possibility that he may return to W's work site in the future. I've already told W if that happens, she has exactly 5 minutes to decide to take a transfer back to our hometown and I'll get one when one's available, or she can find somewhere else to live as I WILL NOT live with her working with OM again. Even if our marriage was in the best possible shape, I would never be able to handle them working in the same location. Harley even says that he's had couples reconcile and recover to a happy marriage and then YEARS later, the pull is still there and the wayward makes contact again and starts up with the OP again. So there's no frickin way I could live with W working with OM. It might work for a while, but what happens the first time W and I hit a rocky point? Who does she run to? I think we know the answer to that one. So with so many concerns on my part, and I know I would smother her and our marriage would be over anyway if OM was back working there, it's either me or her job. So there it is.

You're correct, Piecing doesn't get as much traffic as Newcomers, but ya know what? That's ok. Most questions, concerns, etc are not as urgent, so when people get to them, it's many times a few days later. And that's ok. It's just a whole different dynamic here than on NC or the Infidelity board.

I've found, as we get further along in our recovery, I spend less and less time here. And I rarely visit those other boards anymore because I find it sets me back, puts me out of my PMA frame of mind. Don't get me wrong, there are times I'll take a look and even post, but not too often.

Again, welcome.

[dday101798]

Welcome to block Deep.

I'll be simple and take a miller lite.


Pitcher of course

[rockedworld]

Welcome Deep!
Great to have you here!

[pearlharbr]

Glad to have you as a neighbor Deep. I, for one, look forward to you hanging out over here with us. I find it a huge help to talk to others who are dealing with the same issues and love getting insight from those who are further down the path.

I'll echo H4U's sentiments, you're a bigger person than me dealing with W's continued working with OM. I have read your Newcomers thread so I understand why, I just know that I could not handle it. If OW had not been laid off by BF's company there is no way we would be back together now. I was glad to hear that your W made it clear to her boss that she would not work with OM once she returned from maternity leave. She is choosing your M and her actions back that up.

[Deep]

Hi all, and Dday, LITE beer? Get outta here!

H4U and Pearl, I'm not a "bigger/better person". Each sitch is different and dynamic. It took me a very long and pain-filled time to get to a place where I focused on being a better me and let W make her choices. I would humbly venture that I truly, realy, deeply knew what it was to "lovingly detach" when I made that decision. Actually I made it at 2 points. First was when W was still in the A fog, and convinced OM was her soulmate but she had to try and keep the M for the kids. And then later, when the fog lifted (and the entire thing is a process that progressed over months), she was "in love" with me again. At both points, I loved her and wanted her and the M. At both points, I was in pain from the A, angry at OM, and had a boundary on NC. But I let her know my thoughts and let her make her choices.

I know not a few vets on the boards just bit their tongue, tore their hair out, and a couple could still be expecting a dramatic post from Deep one day, chronicling how the A and OM never ended and D is on the cards again. I am perfectly aware of the risks I took and the downsides that could come. I am however, confident the person I now am can rise above any pain or betrayal that could result.

I let W have time. My boundaries, my timing, my choices.

I did it out of love and compassion. I know how much her job meant to her. 12+ years of slogging for no recognition and she was finally in a place where her intelligence and abilities were rewarded, where she felt alive, and where she finally started to reach a personal goal of earning 6 figures a year, after years of earning a pittance. Before the A, I was SO darn proud of her.

She had also been disappointed in me, my pay, our family finances - all contributory stresses that led to her frustration, exhaustion, and A. The A was and is inexcusable but I could not inflict that pain on her just because she did so to me. To deprive her of a job that shaped her, and compromise her income when she was already stressed over money, on top of her grieving over the loss of OM and the A ... that would have broken her. "Consequences" might be the reply of many. Yes, consequences. But I chose to give her breathing space, I chose to give my M a chance over "justice".

Not that I trusted blindly. Just as my gut told me when something was wrong, my gut told me W was making steps all the time back, not just to the M, but to the "us" that we were. She was genuinely happy to be with me again over time.

As I said, she is now quite set on quitting once her maternity leave ends. No mention of OM. There's no need to. Which is why I'm stressed. 1 more kid and 1 less income. Cripes. I even felt the birthing twinges of an MLC developing lol. I make ok money, more than my W ever did, but we just don't know how it all gets used up so fast! Ok, we do, we spoil our kids too much.

[Deep]

H4U, umm forgot to add something.

As my W said then, if she really wanted to continue the A, it wouldn't matter if they kept in contact for work, or not, or whatever. They'll find a way. Hated to admit it, but it's true.

I laid some boundaries even as the NC was not fully enforced. Facebook and email accounts were shared. Same with cell phones. Any and all communications were to be told to me.

What matters more is intent.

[dday101798]

I can relate to this. My 'W' had gotten her OM a job where she works. When I said I was simply not comfortable with that and it would effect our ability to R, guess who got fired?

They still "have to have" contact because in their dillusional euphoria they went in on a house together that they had planned to move to and when the D went through, I did everything in my power to bar that as it would have serious impact on my ability to see my kids, to say anything of how degraded their quality of life would be there.

So far, I'm coming along that that is the only thing they discuss, other than when he gets drunk and stupid, but, that is her problem to handle. She doesn't have my complete trust yet, but I see how he irritates her. Luckily, she knows she was never truly "in love" with him. The whole while she always said she loved me everytime I'd ask her if she loves him.

[Deep]

Ok, it has been a fun month kind of being reminded of sleep deprivation .

We celebrated (as is the custom here) our son's first month on Sunday. I finally got off my behind and did some setting up on FB. W is seriously making noises about not going back to work after her leave is up.

Continuing to read here and still very much learning. The gamut of emotional ups and downs tend to take on diffeent complexions over time. In one big area at least, I am learning a lot even from just being a silent observer.

[rockedworld]

Glad to hear from you Deep! Was wondering how piecing goes with a brand new baby and all the sleep deprivation!

Well maybe we will see you in the alt...

I'm curious about what you've been learning?