I am a 42year old wife that has been married to my 36 year old husband for 10 years (together for 12). We have no children together, although I have 2 grown children.
Our marriage has always been what I would call good..We had our disagreements, but we had alot of fun and spent most of our free time together. Our problems started Last year when I was laid off from my job as the company I had worked for stopped doing business in the United States. It was stressful as I am in a industry that is experiencing rapid decrease in available positions.
I noticed immediately a change in my husband. He was becoming withdrawn and told me he didn't know if he loved me. I did all the wrong things, I was mad, I yelled, I cried and pushed the issue with him constantly. I thought I was going crazy and if it wasn't for the fact that he was always home I would have sworn that he was having an affair. I was under alot of stress as I am sure he was also. He spent alot of time in the evening across from me on the couch playing poker. I could see the website he was on when I walked by and thought he was just relaxing.
I had asked him if their was anyone else and he assured me that wasn't. I knew his user name on the poker table and googled it one day when he was at work. Imagine my surprise when up popped 10 pages of public postings between him and a ow in a different country telling each other how much they loved the other one and that they were the loves of their lifes.FYI: they have never stood in the same room.
I immediately called my husband at work and he denied it was anything other than Joke (real funny).upset He stood by this story until 2 days later when his phone went off from an e-mail and I asked to see it. It was from ow and stated"your still sexy". I had him get his work laptop and pull up his e-mail and there was all the proof. He could no longer claim this was a joke and came clean.
I told him I was leaving and he begged me to stay. He told me he would fix our marriage and that he was sorry. I stayed as I truly Love my husband.
Fast forward 7 months and he has not tried at all to fix anything.I have workedat trying to fix this alone. This evening he walked into the house packed his clothes and stated he was leaving and would never be back. He has been very distant the last 2 months and depressed. He told me he doesn't care about anybody or anything. I was totally shocked but not unaware that there is problems.
I am devastated and scared. I have a mortgage I can't pay for very long without a job and have been searching hard for a new position. The sad part is we didn't get in over our heads I made well over 100k a year for the last 10 years and we were able to get by on 1 salary. he was the sweetest, most loving husband for 9 years and I miss that person.
I want my marriage to make it, I was truly proud of our relationship prior to this and proud he was my husband. I ordered DB and am waiting to receive it. I don't want to look weak and pitiful anymore. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I'm so sorry you are here but this is the best place for you to be right now. You've got to start reading the situations here and learn. It's pretty much all the same stories just different levels.
Don't fall down..get up and get a life! The DB book is going to tell you to work on YOU. It's all you can do right now you can't change your husband only you. Do not pursue your husband - no calls or texts or questions. If you talk to him be in a good mood and keep it short - end the call first - act as if you are doing just fine.
Keep reading and stay strong!
Luv
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Sorry to hear about your sitch. But want you to know you have found the right place to get sound advice from many that have and are experiencing similiar issues.
Soon, others will be by to check on your sitch.
Be patent... help is on the way.
Be sure to read DB and DR when you can. Go to bookstore and get them immediately. Do not let husband see or read your books. He is anger and will not understand what you are doing.
Hang in there JB... there is hope. This is far from over.
Check in on you soon.
Me 43 / W 40 T 29 / M 15 S-18 11/4/09-ILYBINILWY 11/10/09-Separated 12/1/09-W admitted EA 12/5/09-W admitted PA 12/24/09 W say "I love you"
"A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE WHERE PERFECTION REIGNS"
The hardest part to accept is you have to mentally move on, and get a life, act as if you are moving on. Remember back to the time before you met your spouse, you were fine then. YOU WILL BE FINE, YOU WILL MAKE IT. There are good people here, so listen and read, absorb. Patience is the key(easier said then done). I will keep you in my prayers.
Thanks everyone for the support. I know I will be okay, I am just devastated and numb right now. I will pick myself up and hold tight to my values. I know I need to put on a happy face but right now that seems impossible. I feel desperate and I know that is not good. I know that I am not alone in my fight I have good friends and a wonderful family who all love me and want me to be happy.
You're right - acting desperate is not good, along with begging, pleading and pursuing H.
I know it's hard (read the first couple pages of my first thread, there are some similarities including younger H's) but you need to give H some space right now. Don't call, text or otherwise contact him for a bit and pull back to regroup. Take good care of yourself, and try to stay busy. Keep posting and bit by bit, you will get stronger.
Do read DR as soon as you can, and as noted above, don't let H see the book. It's great and I've read it probably 4 times. Sorry you're in this sitch, but we're all here for support.
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I'm fairly new, and am having a hard time staying focused, so I don’t have much advice to give. The more experienced DB’sters will be here soon, hang in there. There are so many people here to help and give great advice, hang in there this is the worst rollercoaster ride ever. However, knowing you are not alone will help.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
The thing that eats at me is he is not even willing to work on this. He walked away, left me with all the bills(that are all in my name alone, including the house). I am currently unemployed and under a extreme amount of stress. I have been alone before and know I will make it, but at what cost. For the first half of this marriage I completely supported this household and the minute things become a financial struggle for me he bolts.
Time to work on picking myself up...Have a dentist appointment this morning, then need to go to the DMV and get tags for the car, and then off to get a pedicure with my sister.
I don't have any idea what is going thru my husbands head. I spent my day running errands and getting a facial and a pedicure. I spoke to wah once in regards to the tags for the car. Nothing personal was discussed and I ended the call first. Came home about 5pm and at 6pm WAH shows up. We just chat about the tags and I attempted to stay cheery(I did say attempted). At one point tears just started to run out of my eyes and he jumped all over that. He told me he didn't want me to be hurt. I explained that I would be alright, it is just all a little fresh.
He started telling me that he was hurt too, and it isn't that he didn't love me he just doesn't want to live like this anymore. I agreed and told him I understood, it hasn't been much fun this last year. I then explained that all marriages, including our parents who never divorced, are hard and go thru bad times the difference is they worked on their's and made their marriages work. He agreed. He stated he wants to make this work. I told him not to come back unless he was really willing to work on this as I don't want to go thru this again in 6 months. He stated he did want to work on it. I then came upstairs to find him packing more clothes to leave. I felt like we made a connection for a split second and off on the rollercoaster we go. He asked me to call him tomorrow and remind him to call the cable company and disconnect the fax line. He then left.
