Kinda surprised, now what?

[williaij]

Am I in the right place?

My story:

My recent crisis started on 12/16/10. My wife and I were sitting with our pastor and she stated that our marriage was dead and that she wanted a divorce. I was crushed. She said that she wanted me to move out. To say the least I was spinning. We were to leave for a vacation to my parents with our S3. I took our son and my wife went to PA with her folks for the holidays. While on vacation I found this site and received good advice and followed it. I started changing the way in which I thought and started seeing what was really important. I was able to understand my part in her wanting to leave and started focusing on the things that I needed to do for me and my S3.

I came back 3 days before my wife returned. I told her nothing about my awakening. I just said that I wanted to talk when she got back. I had the entire house clean and tidy when she returned. I did this b/c if we were getting a D and we lived by ourselves then I would have to do all of the household chores at my place. (Just getting used to it, plus it’s a big 180) She returned and I stated that I have decided that I was not moving out and that I was going to start sleeping in my bed. The conversation lasted over three hours. My part that I had to say to her lasted all of 15 min. “I did not get married and have a son to live in a broken family. Our son deserves frequent and equal contact with both parents and to see both of their parents happy. I see many other ways to make this work other than D, but if that is your choice, I will not stand in your way. You deserve to be happy. I have decided not to move out, if you would like to leave that is your choice.” I listened, validated and kept my mouth shut. The next day was difficult and on the following day she wrote me a letter and we talked about the R that night. She said she wanted to work on M. I have talked with her and told her that I don’t expect her to believe anything that comes out of my mouth b/c of all the times that I had said I would change and that I would have to show her from here on. When she said she wanted me to tell her why I had done something to hurt her I would first listen and then validate and then I would repeat that in some form saying that she needs to see the change. She said that she noticed the little changes (i.e. new/different clothes, wearing cologne, going out w/o her, and that none of my stuff was laying around, I have reinserted my spine)

More about our history later. After about a week of seeming to get along is where I am now.

She says that she is attracted to me again and that she wants to try to work things out. First I am surprised that she is willing to listen and work on us, b/c in the past I have not given her the support that she needed. I am really unsure of how to react when she does something similar to the way she did them in the past. How do I remain supportive and call her on her stuff that bothers me. Or do I call her on it? How do I go on making the changes that I need to do for me with her willing to work on the M? I was expecting to have to do this w/o her around much longer and prepared for that? How do I switch gears?

Any advice?

[TrentC]

If you both are willing to work on it, then are trying to do so, then I think you're piecing.

And yes, now is a time to discuss the issues that each of you have. You might look into marriage counseling or something like Retrouvaille to help foster better communication.

There is a thread about Retrouvaille here:

Retrouvaille means change

[williaij]

Just been lurking lately. Trying to figure out where we go from here. Kinda in the 2nd honeymoon phase and I am doing the things that I need to do for me. I have plans to go out one night each week and suggested that she do the same.

Her health issues have crept back into the sitch again. She has had a migraine Sat and Sun and not feeling well today. This is a big source of resentment for me. I am trying to not let effect how I have been feeling. I have to become more understanding but currently lack the insight into my issues regarding her health. This goes back to the year that she had to stop working and go on disability due to fibro and chronic pain. During that year she showed no emotion and I turned into the role of a caretaker. Without the emotion we grew apart and that is where I can't go again.

I am currently trying to find a SBT in my area. I am calling one and I am going to interview her. If I think that she is a good fit for us then my wife has agreed to interview her too. This is a good step b/c she has previously said that she won't do anymore counseling. (we have been twice before and have done Retro)

I don't know that I am asking for advice or just trying to write down my feelings and thoughts. I am afraid to dialogue with her about this topic b/c this is where I have let her down and I can't do that again to her.

I don't want the resentment to build. This all happened so fast. I still want to work on me. How can I work on me and the M at the same time? I haven't been doing this a month yet and feel totally inept at piecing.