today is not a good day

[me12]

Last night I asked my H out on a date. He first came to our home to fix the door that had fallen off the hindge, then we went out to supper...I guess I was looking for a spark or something..I don't know what I was looking for. companionship, because last night marked one week since he had left me...After 18 year of being together, I still dont understand why he is doing this to me...Is it because I had caught him texting this girl at work, and confronted him about it ..He is the type of person that doesnt talk about his feelings.

I absoultely hate being here by myself and still don't know if he EVER intends on coming back...All I get is that he needs his space. When I am having a bad day I really miss him alot, and I still love him, maybe it is the lonliness that gets me, maybe I really don't love him like I use to, I don't really know I guess, anyways, we went to dinner last night and it was great, we brought up nothing about what is happening, talked about things that we needed to get caught up on and so, after dinner, went to Walmart and then back home, where I had asked him to come in for a while...which he did, and we watched football for a while, all the time I am thinking ok when are you leaving, but after he left I felt an emptyness, WHY, and all day today I wanted to call him and be with him, but knew that was not going to happen.....

What is wrong. Why do I feel like this? I am tried of crying and trying to get him to come home, when I still don't know why the hell he left in the first place....I am going crazy.

He is staying with his daughter at the moment until he gets an apartment or something, I am trying to be a friend to him and not let him see that he is killing me inside, in the mean time I am putting on weight like crazy...which is not good, cause I want to lose weight to show him exactly what he is really loosing....Is it a mid life crisis thing, or is it the real thing, will he come back or do I really want him back..He hurt me sooo sooo much I can't hardly explain, and I know I am not the only person going through this, but I need help getting through this crappy time.

I have really no friends that I can go to hang out with, have not full time job and my mom is sick, on top of the crappy situation with my H. I hate feeling sorry for myself and that is how I feel sometimes, like lets feel bad for me, and I really shouldn't, anyway I am having a crappy day, I just want to be happy again, and get through this cause I really think that he IS not coming home no matter how hard I do try...but after reading a piece from this site, I am trying the friendship way, don't think it is really going to work,cause he is dead set on being on his own, or with this other person, god she even offered him a room, and I told him that he should go and stay with her.....that sucks on my part, but I told him I totally support him in any way that he feel that this will help him, hoping that maybe he will see that he is making a big mistake......I guess it is just a waiting game now...this really hurts so bad, and I hate having bad days.....

[Norm914]

Hi Me12. So sorry you're here, but you came to the right place.

I hesitate to say this - in fact I hate to say it - but your husband is showing signs of having an affair. The text messaging and the BS "I need some space" speech. I got the same thing.

Hang in there. Others will be along to help you.

[CityGirl]

Why would you offer somebody unwavering support that left you and was considering living in the same home as another woman? Why would you sit around waiting to see what your H decides?

You said you don't have any friends. That is a major problem and a major red flag/turn off! Go make friends. Take a class, volunteer but find some people to spend time with.

If you can't swing a full time job right now at least get a part time job so you have some of your own money and are occupied and busy.

This board is a great resource but it is only the fist of many steps you will need to take!

[CityGirl]

Also, start some physical activity to keep the weight off! It is very important to take care of your health during a time of great stress!

To be really blunt.... do you think any man would be attracted to a woman that has gained weight, has no friends, no job, no outside interests or hobbies and is sad all the time? NO!

Work on you for a while so you can see if rebuilding your marriage is a viable goal to make. If your H is in an affair of ANY kind this will be a very, very long process.

NO MORE PURSUIT! Do not ask him on dates or call/text/e-mail him unless it is a true emergency. If he contacts you wait at least a day or two to respond. Do not share your feelings or what you are doing with him. Become a total mystery. Become a NEW WOMAN!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Me12,

Sorry, but as a guy, I agree with CityGirl. If I were cheating on my wife, and she was doing this begging/pathetic thing, it would be a major turnoff to me. And I'd certainly continue to cake-eat.

I'd recommend looking up some of Robx's posts. He has some great scripts on how the betrayed spouse can turn things around, and basically become the WALKAWAY spouse. It's very counter-intuitive stuff, but then again, so is pure DBing.

In ANY event, please take care of your health. You may want to ask your doctor about prescribing some anti-anxiety/anti-depressants for you. They really helped me -- and a lot of us -- but some kinds take over two weeks to kick in, so the sooner the better.

Puppy

[Awoken]

Me12,

I'm sorry your suffering. I really get what you are saying, especially "hating feeling sorry for yourself".

You are getting great advice here. I know this is hard. It's often easier to think about your pain, than to take action. But you can do it! Start with just small steps, even just one small step.

Read carefully what CityGirl and Puppy have recommended so far.

CityGirl says "work on you". You have already outlined some things that you need/and want.
1) get more healthy/stop gaining weight. Start some exercise, and do it everyday. It will help with the stress. When I get too obsessed and emotional, I head out for a long long walk. This has been a new thing for me.
2) develop a circle of friends, even casual ones. I don't know much about you, but I choose to reconnect with my sister, and several other friends from my past. I then started participating in some activities that I'm interested in. It was very hard! I'm shy, introverted, and not comfortable with social settings. But just the step of taking ACTION, made a difference. My participation here in the forum is part of this.

CityGirl also emphasized that you stop pursing your H! If you haven't read "Divorce Busting" or "The Divorce Remedy", then you should go to the book store and get a copy now. Don't let H know you are reading it. When you are home going crazy, go read instead!

I also think you should try to figure out more about what you want for YOURSELF, instead of thinking so much about how to save your M.

Last, Puppy gave you two specific things to do. You should pay attention to whatever he says, he's devotes a lot of time to this board and really knows his stuff. He want you to:
1) look up the posts by robx. Use the search function, and search by user.
2) go to your regular doctor, tell him/her what is going on, and get a prescription for some anti-depressants. They will help, but Puppy is right that it will take a couple of weeks for them to start to work.

Hang in there, you can do this!

[sandi2]

Can you tell us some more? What are your ages and what are the ages of your children, etc.

[me12]

I don't know what works and yes I know I have to STOP pursuing H and that is exactly what I am doing, but I don't know how to stop...I just wantto know why is he doing this to me, what did I do to deserve this.

My H is 49 and I am 52, thought everything was going fine until I caught him texting this girl from work for 2 and 1/2 months then everything went down hill.

Last night he supposedly went out with his friends from work, but he has lied so much that I feel deep down in that he was with this other girl...I know I have got to stop calling him and I have got to stop answering the phone when he calls but it is really hard for me, I hate being alone...and I know I sound needy
and desperate, but I just don't know how to get through this...I don't know if I miss him or the company, I don't even have any kids that live with me its just the dog...Have a job that just calls me when they need me

I just want the HURT to go away, and I just don't know how to do that, why is it so easy for him to just walk away after 18 years, why.

I do go and work out after work, but that is for about an hour and then I go home to an empty home.

I don't know what works, I have friends that call me all the time and ask if I am ok, but its not the same as someone coming to my home, or me going over there.....I always had my H, never figured that I would need someone else.

I feel like a hopeless case, and I know I am not like any of this I really need a wake up call...Do I need to get angry and hate him

Please someone help me

[sandi2]

I've got to leave for work, but I'll get back with you. You need to realize that this is about him....not you. He doesn't see himself doing anything "to" you. Read Michelle's articles here on the board about MLC, etc.

You've got to stop playing the pity card b/c that is very unattractive and it will give him more reason to run for the hills!

[sandi2]

After 18 year of being together, I still dont understand why he is doing this to me...

Do you not have any idea of some reasons why your H may have gotten bored, turned off sexually, disinterested, tired, or anything? You know that the fact you've been M for 18 yrs doesn't guarantee a "no effort" R. Do you feel you may have stopped trying as hard or do you think you have always worked hard to ensure a good MR?

Tell us about this girl at work. How old is she? Is she M? Is your H her boss or just works at the same place? What is there about this girl that your H would like?

He is the type of person that doesnt talk about his feelings.

I know how frustrating that can be!

Do you work? What do you do for entertainment, keeping busy, hobbies, etc.

What is wrong. Why do I feel like this?

Look, it is perfectly normal to feel like you do, but you can't just continue to stay in this state and hopefully we can help you get to a place where you are happy with yourself regardless of what your H may or may not do. But right now you are in "panic" mode and you need to get a grip and decide that you've got to be your own best friend.....b/c he sure isn't! Can you do that?

You will receive a lot of advice and it will all be good (I'm sure) but I'll give you a hint.....if you appear not to listen or work with us in trying to help yourself, then people start to get discouraged quickly. So, when you need to vent....then just say that that is what you are doing, okay? Otherwise, we will think you are looking for advise.

So with that said.......

I am tried of crying and trying to get him to come home

This is your starting place. Stop trying to get him to come home! How many times have you asked him "if" he's coming home or "when" he's coming home or "will" he ever come home? (Don't answer that.) The first rule of DBing is to learn to detach b/c the WAS will run if you start to pursue and it sounds as if you've done plenty of that already. He knows you want him home, so no need in continually begging him. That is a very huge turn-off to a man.

You can work at not crying but we can't always control our tears.....however, you can control not pursuing him.

Next, you need to do everything in your power to become a more attractive person. Make it your goal to be the best "you" that you can be. Not only in the physical department, but be attractive in attitude as well. Go to the library or download things from on-line that are self-help type of books that will inspire you. There are a lot of things about self-confidence and from what I've heard, men think that is about the most sexy thing a woman can do....is be self-confident.

I am trying to be a friend to him and not let him see that he is killing me inside,

How are you being a friend? After you answer that question, then answer this: Would you be friends with a person who treated you like he has treated you? Don't you think more of yourself than that?

I want to lose weight to show him exactly what he is really loosing

There you go! Now that's the spirit to have!

Is it a mid life crisis thing, or is it the real thing, will he come back or do I really want him back..

Hard to say. Don't have enough information and even if we did....it would still be a guess. They say that some MLC can last up to five years. Do you want to wait and see if he will come home after that? He may really screw up his life, your life, and no telling how many lives before it's over. The thing you have to decide is what you think is best for you. What is the most valuable? Instead of asking yourself (and him) if he's going to come back or what's to become of you.....take control over your own life about some issues. You can't control what he does, but you can control what you do. That is the point of reference that you begin working. Start now in taking back control for your own life.

or is it the real thing

Not sure what you mean by this, but it's real that he's left you and I doubt seriously that he will come home anytime soon....and if you don't start applying DB principles, he won't come home period, IMHO. Again, I hope you will make it your goal to focus on you and what you want to do with the rest of your life and not just think about if he's coming back or not.

I know how bad it gets to have sick folks. I also know how depressing it can be. Now you have this on top of the other, so you may want to take the advise you've been given and see your doctor about AD's or help with sleeping. Whatever you need to help you get through this. You would take meds to help with any other health problem, right? It's important to take good care of yourself.

Do you have to stay with your mother all the time or is she in a nursing home? I know the stress can be huge and I'm really sorry about that. You will find that we are a family around here and we share more than just our M problems. Anything that is a burden or a joy is something that affects you....so we are interested also.

So, why do you not have friends? I thought maybe you were living in a new town, but your mother is there, so what's the deal?

Do you go to Church? Do you like to get involved in some sort of civic organizations or clubs? What type of work do you do part time? Have you thought about volunteer work at the hospital or a visitation program at the nursing homes? I bet you have something that you do well that would be a blessing to some other person, if you would only think of how you can put that to use. It would help them and help you.

Okay, so now I'm down at the end of your post and I see this:

god she even offered him a room, and I told him that he should go and stay with her.....that sucks on my part, but I told him I totally support him in any way that he feel that this will help him

I thought as first you were telling him that in a sarcastic way but then you said you supprt him? You really didn't mean that, did you?