It's now 8 1/2 years since my journey first began. Like most of you here I thought that I would be the exception. I couldn't fathom the thought given all we had been through together as a couple, that our marriage was doomed. Now my formerly loving husband and the world's best Dad was off on his solitary quest for happiness. I went through all of the usual responses. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and had that unmistakable knot in my stomach 24/7. I would say that it took a good 2 years for me to find some sort of normal, but I had to find a way to live again for my kids. Two more years would go by before my ex would file for divorce and all the while I was hoping that his indecisiveness meant that he still hadn't given up on our marriage, but he had. In his mind he had to make a clean break in order to be free to find whatever it was that he felt was missing. Somewhere in all of this, I met a wonderful man who would treat me like I was a princess, but as hard as he would try, he would never be the Father of my children. Oh I cared and still care for him, but all of this time I have been unable to totally commit to the relationship.
Fast forward to present. I don't know for sure if it was the death of my ex's Father or the marriage of his firstborn and only son (which by the way he wasn't invited to)but it seems that he has finally figured out that life isn't perfect, and nowhere is it written that happiness is a guarantee.
What I do know is that this notion that we have of applying "babysteps" to every movement is nothing but bunk. Most times the sudden and temporary signs of caring and calmness aren't an attempt to reconnect, but to find a purging of guilt and a an attempt to hold on to whatever control we are still willing to give them over our lives.
I also know most times they are saying what they mean at that moment. They sometimes get nasty in doing so because in not wanting to hear their truth, we frustrate them and leave them with all of the angry feelings that they had experienced from a parent that had done this damage in the first place. Mix in some guilt with the frustration and you have an expolsive combination. They act out because they feel entitled. We think them to be crazy, but they see it as finally being free to make up for lost time.
My ex has said that it wasn't until we had been divorced for a couple of years for him to slowly see that even with me totally out of the picture, his source of unhappiness, nothing got better. Something else that was kind of a shocker was that he sees now that he does still love me, and probably has all along, but it was pushed deep down below that pain and depression. I guess I'm still absorbing all of this and realizing that most of what I believed or wanted to believe, was not the reality of what was.
My dilema now is in figuring what now? What is it that I want and is a new realtionship possible after everything that has happened between us?
The first question that comes to mind for me is how are you doing? I would take each and every day as it comes and try not to plan too far into the future.
If your xh is truly sorry and really realizes what he wanted was right there in his face all of the time, then I would listen to what he has to say and go from there. If you want him back in your life, start as friends and go from there. I do want to caution you that many will discover that they have grown from the experience and will have nothing left in the way of feelings for the other person. You will not know this until you venture forth a bit and begin anew as friends. Both of you have traveled the road w/many pot holes and have seen, heard and done things that you never imagined you would.
At the end of the road...only you can determine what the outcome will be. You've learned and grown so much during your journey...one day at a time, one step at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
How am I doing? I'm doing great. I have been at this for a very longtime and I'm surely not the same person that I was 8 years ago. I am very Blessed.
Oh yes Snodderly I have listened to him. I don't believe that you can trust anything that a MLC'r does, but words talk. For the first time he has apologized. Now in saying this I'm certainly not saying that we will be remarrying or anything. As I said, the days of wanting his apology has long passed, and I am in a much different place. In fact I now councel women faced with divorce so I have seen the repercussions from all angles. Truth is, I'm not sure that he fully understands that I'm not who he left. Even more then that, I am in a relationship that still needs to be figured out, but one that I'm not ready to give up.
Right now I am hoping that he will try to parent his children. He's been out of their lives for a longtime and as I told him, it will be tough! The other thing that needs to be taken into consideration is that his extended family (except for a very few) have pretty much thrown us away as well. Somehow this is even harder for me to reconcile. In a way all of these things together have shown me why he is the way he is. Oh he did try to tell me all through our marriage that he had no love for his Mother, but I couuldn't understand that. Now knowing how easy it was for his family to cast us aside and put their head in the sand helps me to see that the childhood damage he tried to tell me about was very real and deep. It's very healing to know without a doubt that there was very little that we can do to prevent this. The damage was done years before. We just happen to be in the line of fire when the shooting begins.
D Thank you for your post your situation seems a logical outcome for the MLCer It makes sense that after a time, they realize what they had and that they still loved us b/c the whole situation from bomb on and all the changes in them make No sense that yur xh realized his happiness was not going to occur magically b/c he was free makes sense you seem like you are now in a good place hopefully your xh will become a better parent and the children will bond with him again you will make the right choices b/c you seem aware and wise so trust yourself keep us posted peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you peace. Yes this is some crazy ride! For the longest time I had hoped for this, but now that my life has progressed, it's doesn't feel as I thought it would. I guess that's why I was drawn back here. His revolation was such a shocker that I'm trying to investigate all angles to understand what I feel.
You know, MLC is a strange beast. We remember EVERYTHING that they have said and done as if it were yesterday. Just recalling those days brings back the pain and loss in an instant. For the MLC'r, there are black holes in their memory. In fact I have realized that many things that have haunted me were things just thrown out by my ex to stop me in my tracks and to justify why he did what he did. Actually I am worried about all of that muddy water that has run under the bridge.
The man my ex is now no longer makes excuses or throws blame, quite a change. The past is just that, but we have had to live with the reality of what they have done. I'm not so sure we can ever completely get over scars that runs so deep. That's why I'm not sure a new relationship is in the cards. I'm sure we can be friends. I have foregiven him and put whatever bitterness I had aside, but as I said before I am different.
I guess what I want people to know is that we take it so personally and feel like failures or as if we aren't good enough. Truth is it wouldn't have mattered who they were with because this is there path to walk.
I guess my question would be how do you know that what your ex is saying is genuine? or is he just trying to skuc you in now that you are out of his life? Trust I can see is very difficult between the LBS and the MLC.
Good question. Well can we ever really 100% know what's in someone else's heart? The hardest lesson for me to learn through this whole thing was that the only person we ever REALLY know is ourself.
I do believe him because the change in him is so very drastic. He's a very weak man. From the beginning he has kept his distance because being accountable to Me, Kids or Friends was more than he could handle. So he ran. He stayed where it was safe with people who wouldn't question or ask the hard stuff. People who really didn't matter, so I guess he used them as well. Now he has confronted his choices, apologized, and even said he is sorry for all of the hurt he caused.
I am in a very good place in my life right now and I have no intention of just saying OK I'm back in. I have so many options open to me. If he were to be trying to scam me in someway I think that eventually I'd figure it out. I know now that I am a heck of a lot smarter then I thought I was when he left.
He's a very weak man. From the beginning he has kept his distance (either emotionally or physically) because being accountable to Me, Kids or Friends was more than he could handle. So he ran. He stayed where it was safe with people who wouldn't question or ask the hard stuff. People who really didn't matter, so I guess he used them as well.
While I get this, I still have difficulty with why they do this...
Originally Posted By: dncrm
It's very healing to know without a doubt that there was very little that we can do to prevent this. The damage was done years before. We just happen to be in the line of fire when the shooting begins.
Amen to that!
I find your situation very interesting since I am at the crossroads right now. My H and I have been separated for almost 3 years. For the last year or two, we have been sloooowly working on reconciling...that was until I gave him a deadline of the end of the year to move back. He was making plans to and even gave notice at his apartment but on New Year's day he bailed. I told him I was moving forward with my life either with or without him. Now it looks like it is without him since he hasn't contacted me in 9 days. Part of me is really ready to move on but there is still this nagging feeling that he will come back and want to reconcile eventually. I see that you have moved on but now have to make a choice. The thought of having to make that choice frightens me but you seem to be handling it very well.
Good luck figuring out what you want to do. I know if I were you and could let go of the past, I would work things out with my H. My parents are divorced and my life would be so different if they had gotten back together...it would have been wonderful. So, for your kids it worth exploring the possiblity.
I'm sure you are confused and upset since you thought you were very close to working things out. All this really says is that he is still not finished with his journey. Since you've already been at this for 3 years then you know how long this MLC craziness can take. I still believe that we have to leave them totally alone for anykind of growth to happen with them. In my case I had always found something, anything that I could use as an excuse to call ex. I somehow had myself convinced that maybe hearing my voice would jar something in him. Honesly what I now believe is that all it served to do was for him to distance himself further away.
In the last 2 years I can could count on 1 hand how many times we had been in contact. The difference now was that I was divorced & had decided that for my own well being I needed to distance myself as well, and that is what brought him full circle. He was alone, I mean ALL alone. Alone to think about the past, alone to cry, alone to figure out what is important in life and to him, without any interference from me. I really wish that this was something that we were strong enough to do from the get go because I think it's the most important piece to this whole MLC puzzle. Especially when we're dealing with people as fragil as the men we married!
Hi dncrm- I think part of me knew my H would back out. There were signs, I just hoped that we would be able to work through things. I thought my H was getting to the end of this, but I now see that he still has some time on his journey...and I think you have helped me see that he has to do it alone. Even if he is the one initiating the contact, as long as I am in his life, he can continue to find excuses. If I am no longer in his life, he has to be completely accountable.
My H says that he loves me, wants me in his life but doesn't want to give up his solitude plus he doesn't want to be controlled by women. Funny since this man would have done ANYTHING for me and loved our life together once upon a time. I can't handle a life on his terms only anymore so I guess I need the distance for my own well being.
Do you think you would have eventually intitiated the divorce if your H had not? Did you actively seek out a new relationship? Did your H ever have an OW?
I also thought that we would be an exception to the rules of MLC. Even recently I thought because I knew he cared, I pushed...again thinking we are an exception. I guess I we are "the rule".
Your posts have helped me see things more clearly. Thanks.
Funny since this man would have done ANYTHING for me and loved our life together once upon a time. I can't handle a life on his terms only anymore so I guess I need the distance for my own well being. 