He asked me to leave the house.

[colombianchick]

Hello everyone,
I am new to the site and reading the forums has helped me not feel so alone. Excuse me if I ramble. I'm just going through a lot right now. I have been with my spouse for just a year and I feel it's been a roller coaster ride. To start off his mother informed me he is bipolar and has extreme highs and lows, he doesn't take his medication because he says he was wrongfuly diagnosed. We moved into our house in June, I left my apartment and my family back home and moved in to a new city, new job, new school for my kids (not his), and new child care. It was very difficult for me since I would need to drive for 3 hours daily from and to work (including dropping off and picking up the kids). Also I didn't know anyone in the city and didnt't know anyone that could babysit my kids. It was scary and very frustrating for me since I had to work and at the same time look for child care and a school. He complained I was never home enough and that I preffered money over family. I told him I would look for a job closer to home but he didn't like it. The fights continued over anything. I felt like I couldn't be upset because then he would get upset or take it personal. He would get angry that I would fall a sleep in the couch after the long drive from and to work. He complained I wasn't keeping the house clean enough because I was never home. He told me our agreement was that I would take care of everything in the house. I told him it was so hard because I would get home late and tired. I needed to feed the kids, do homework with the kids, do my school work (Im in school), and spend time with him. My daily schedule was to wake up at five and get myself and the kids ready to leave the house at seven. Get to work at 8:30 and leave work at 5:00. By the time I would get home it was nearly 7 and I was exahusted. I cooked, spent time with the kids, watched a show and spent time with him. By the time I would go to sleep it was 1:00AM. I had only about 5 to 4 hours of sleep. He fought with me until I decided to quit my job. When he gets upset he remembers everything I've done that makes him upset. He mentions things that happened 6 months ago and acts like they are the biggest issues imaginable. I was married before so I don't put a lot of effort into small things because I know those little fights happen in a marriage. He will mention I didn't call Terminix when he said I needed to call them. I feel it's a control issue. He gets mad that the kids father is still envolved in their lives. He's not perfect, but I have no right to keep him from his kids because my new spouse doesn't like him. It seems like he wanted a picture perfect relationship and that's hard given the circumstances. I explained we were going through an adjustment stage. He hadn't lived with a woman that had kids and I hadn't lived with another man since my divorce. I told him we would get through it but we haven't. He told me on new years 2010 I couldn't go back home with the kids (I visited my brother). He said I had to stay with my brother and ask for his help. I was devistated. My kids are still in school and they loved their school. I told him it would be hard for me to find a place since I had quit my job. I reminded him that he was the one who would constantly fight that I needed to quit. He said it wasn't his problem. He said I'm unpreditable. That he can't stand being around me and that I make him nervous. He says I'm mean and I hurt him. I'm confussed since I've done nothing more than try to please him, even to the point of quitting my job. He curses and screams to me over the phone. I don't deserve that treatment after all that I've sacrafized for us. He says he needs space, he mentioned six months. I do't know if it's his untreated bipolar diagnosis that is making him feel so angry towards me. He doesn't have anyone else here. All of his family is in another state. He has the tendancy of running away from everyone. He's moved a total of 7 times since 2006. He screams at his mom and is highly critical of everyone around him. I often told him to accept people for who they are and to stop critisizing them. I know he's highly critical of me too. I love him deeply and when we talk he blames me for everything. He has everything negative in a list on his head but nothing positive. He says he's been miserable since he moved in. He said he felt unhappy after I didn't call Terminix. That was back in June when we had just moved in to the house. I love him but sometimes I feel so tired of this situation. It's been a short ride and he's already given up on us so quickly. I don't feel appreciated for what I've sacrafized. To me our relationship was important and meant a lot to me. He told me he had been engaged before and that he had left. She suffered from depression and other mental illnesses. He said she would cut herself and he couldn't take it. He left her and had to be in an institution for a couple of months after the breakup. He tells me I have anger problems and he can't handle me. He said he needs to be in control of everything and I haven't let him be in control. I often felt like I was walking on egg shells. If I say something wrong or I show stress or discontent it will trigger a fight. To the point that just asking him how long he needed to be alone to finish his homework caused a fight.He said he gave me all of the love, money, time, and patience he had. That he has nothing more to offer me. We've just been together for a year and he acts like we're suppost to be in a great stage after such quick step we took. I'm not perfect, I know I'm inpatient and strong attituted. But I don't curse at him or call him names like he does to me. Even if I'm mad I don't. He said he wants space and he doesn't want me to call him for the next 6 months. He tells me I have no patiens with him and that I don't give him the space he needs. He says that I have the mentality that if it's not now it's not ever. But to me if we need a 6 month break from a 6 month marriage than is there any hope? Did he just want to be with me so that I could clean the house? Did he ask me to quit my job just to have control? Is that even called love? I'm so confused. How can someone be so negative and angry.

[SDFoundGirl]

First off, paragraphs are your friend. Can you go back and chunk your last post into paragraphs to help people be willing to read through all of that text?

Second, sorry you're here, but it's a good place to be.

Finally, if your H wants space, tell HIM to move out. YOU want in the M, so you're not leaving.

SD

[colombianchick]

Hello everyone,
I am new to the site and reading the forums has helped me not feel so alone. Excuse me if I ramble. I'm just going through a lot right now.

I have been with my spouse for just a year and I feel it's been a roller coaster ride. To start off his mother informed me he is bipolar and has extreme highs and lows, he doesn't take his medication because he says he was wrongfuly diagnosed.

We moved into our house in June, I left my apartment and my family back home and moved in to a new city, new job, new school for my kids (not his), and new child care. It was very difficult for me since I would need to drive for 3 hours daily from and to work (including dropping off and picking up the kids). Also I didn't know anyone in the city and didnt't know anyone that could babysit my kids. It was scary and very frustrating for me since I had to work and at the same time look for child care and a school. He complained I was never home enough and that I preffered money over family. I told him I would look for a job closer to home but he didn't like it.

The fights continued over anything. I felt like I couldn't be upset because then he would get upset or take it personal. He would get angry that I would fall a sleep in the couch after the long drive from and to work. He complained I wasn't keeping the house clean enough because I was never home. He told me our agreement was that I would take care of everything in the house. I told him it was so hard because I would get home late and tired. I needed to feed the kids, do homework with the kids, do my school work (Im in school), and spend time with him.

My daily schedule was to wake up at five and get myself and the kids ready to leave the house at seven. Get to work at 8:30 and leave work at 5:00. By the time I would get home it was nearly 7 and I was exahusted. I cooked, spent time with the kids, watched a show and spent time with him. By the time I would go to sleep it was 1:00AM. I had only about 5 to 4 hours of sleep. He fought with me until I decided to quit my job.

When he gets upset he remembers everything I've done that makes him upset. He mentions things that happened 6 months ago and acts like they are the biggest issues imaginable. I was married before so I don't put a lot of effort into small things because I know those little fights happen in a marriage. He will mention I didn't call Terminix when he said I needed to call them. I feel it's a control issue.

He gets mad that the kids father is still envolved in their lives. He's not perfect, but I have no right to keep him from his kids because my new spouse doesn't like him. It seems like he wanted a picture perfect relationship and that's hard given the circumstances. I explained we were going through an adjustment stage. He hadn't lived with a woman that had kids and I hadn't lived with another man since my divorce. I told him we would get through it but we haven't.

He told me on new years 2010 I couldn't go back home with the kids (I visited my brother). He said I had to stay with my brother and ask for his help. I was devistated. My kids are still in school and they loved their school. I told him it would be hard for me to find a place since I had quit my job. I reminded him that he was the one who would constantly fight that I needed to quit. He said it wasn't his problem.

He said I'm unpreditable. That he can't stand being around me and that I make him nervous. He says I'm mean and I hurt him. I'm confussed since I've done nothing more than try to please him, even to the point of quitting my job. He curses and screams to me over the phone. I don't deserve that treatment after all that I've sacrafized for us. He says he needs space, he mentioned six months. I do't know if it's his untreated bipolar diagnosis that is making him feel so angry towards me.

He doesn't have anyone else here. All of his family is in another state. He has the tendancy of running away from everyone. He's moved a total of 7 times since 2006. He screams at his mom and is highly critical of everyone around him. I often told him to accept people for who they are and to stop critisizing them. I know he's highly critical of me too. I love him deeply and when we talk he blames me for everything. He has everything negative in a list on his head but nothing positive. He says he's been miserable since he moved in. He said he felt unhappy after I didn't call Terminix. That was back in June when we had just moved in to the house.

I love him but sometimes I feel so tired of this situation. It's been a short ride and he's already given up on us so quickly. I don't feel appreciated for what I've sacrafized. To me our relationship was important and meant a lot to me.

He told me he had been engaged before and that he had left. She suffered from depression and other mental illnesses. He said she would cut herself and he couldn't take it. He left her and had to be in an institution for a couple of months after the breakup. He tells me I have anger problems and he can't handle me. He said he needs to be in control of everything and I haven't let him be in control.

I often felt like I was walking on egg shells. If I say something wrong or I show stress or discontent it will trigger a fight. To the point that just asking him how long he needed to be alone to finish his homework caused a fight.He said he gave me all of the love, money, time, and patience he had. That he has nothing more to offer me. We've just been together for a year and he acts like we're suppost to be in a great stage after such quick step we took. I'm not perfect, I know I'm inpatient and strong attituted. But I don't curse at him or call him names like he does to me. Even if I'm mad I don't.

He said he wants space and he doesn't want me to call him for the next 6 months. He tells me I have no patiens with him and that I don't give him the space he needs. He says that I have the mentality that if it's not now it's not ever. But to me if we need a 6 month break from a 6 month marriage than is there any hope? Did he just want to be with me so that I could clean the house? Did he ask me to quit my job just to have control? Is that even called love? I'm so confused. How can someone be so negative and angry.

[colombianchick]

Hello,
thank you for the post. I'm sorry about the paragraphs. I moved back into the house yesterday. We talked for a while when I got home and he told me everthing negative he could remember. He said he understood what I was going through too and that I didn't need to explain what I was going through at the time. He is staying in a Hotel until he finds a room to rent. He said he can't be around me because it makes him upset. I asked him why was the magic number 6 months? He said it was nothing special, it's just a long time and not now.

I'm hurt and alone in a new city and with my kids.

[LolaL]

I have a little experience with bipolar...my daughter is diagnosed and medicated.

It sounds to me like your H does have some mental issues...and bipolar is not generally misdiagnosed. My daughter stayed in denial for many years, and thankfully her husband waited. But she used the same excuse, that the diagnosis was wrong. It was after he did leave her, briefly, that she knew something was wrong.

What would you like to see happen? I can tell you this, if he is in fact bipolar, nothing you will do will make him realize this. It is something he will have to realize on his own. He will need to take the initiative to change it.

Think carefully about what you want to do. And fyi, the time you were together means nothing. I was married for under two years.

Also, this is not something that will be cured overnight. If you choose to stand and fight, it could take years. You will need to determine whether it is worth the fight. I have been at this longer than I was actually married and living with my H...

[colombianchick]

Hello Lola,
thank you for the post.I love him more than I'm willing to admit. If he would have told me the diagnosis was correct I would have done things very differently. I would have seeked help on how to deal with a bipolar spouse. He's not a spender so financially he hasn't affected us.

I want to give him space, but I fear he won't come back. I can feel he still loves me. But when he yells and screams at me I begin to wonder if it's just my imagination. I am not sure if he's pushing me away right now because he knows he's going through a low stage. Or if he really stopped loving me and I was just a happy fase in his life.I miss him so much.

I would love to be able to speak to him without him insulting me or screaming at me. I would give him space and he could live somewhere else until he's ready to come home. But when he says it's over it hurts.

He told me several times that he's not comfortable in his own body. When he was a child he thought he was going to die at age 18, but when he didn't, he was confused. He had planned out his life until age 18 and didn't know what to do there after. He told me that when I get mad, even if it's not at him. He wants to stand in front of a bus and just end the pain. Set me free and set himself free. I would hold him and tell him I couldn't live without him.

I feel like I'm in way over my head. If he's had negative feelings since a child I don't stand a chance against it. He won't get on meds and denied anything to be wrong with him. I told him people don't generally have those feelings unless they're suffering from depression or some other type of mental illness. He just stayed quiet.

As much as I try, I can't understand the amount of anger he's feeling towards me. He acts like I'm his worst enemy and like I'm pure evil. He says he doesn't hate me but just can't stand to be around me. I'm so sad and confussed.

[LolaL]

I can remember what the beginning of going through this feels like, so let me offer you some of the advice that I got.

First, he won't forget about you. The best thing you can do right now is honor his request. Now, I am not telling you to cut all contact. But at the same time, you have to learn to have enough respect for self to set some boundaries.

First of all, no one deserves to be yelled at the way he is yelling at you, regardless of any kind of mental disability. However, there is a way to handle this with style and grace. Let him contact you, however, if he begins to yell, then calmly tell him that you will not speak with him unless he is willing to speak and not yell. Then hang up the phone.

Second, when he does call, do not talk about he relationship. Right now, this is the way he feels, and you need to acknowledge that. To tell him that you know he loves you comes off to him as "I know what you feel, you don't know what you feel, therefor it doesn't matter how you feel." Now we both know that is not the case, but he will use that. Right now, he is using anything he can to justify his actions. Therefore, don't give him any reasons. Be pleasant. Be kind. Tell him you understand, even if you don't. "I understand" is a great line. You are not agreeing, but you are not disagreeing either.

When you get sad, mad, homicidal come here and vent. There are great folks here who have been where you are.

But the biggest thing, listen to what he says. Then, ask yourself if there is any way you can improve upon his complaints. Don't ask him, ask yourself. DBing is about working on yourself, because none of us are perfect, and we can all improve.

Remember, finally that there are no guarantees. Some reconcile and some don't. But if you follow the steps, and do the work, you will end up better for it in the long run.

[colombianchick]

Thank you again Lola for your kind words.

I know there is no guarantee we will be together. He told me if I contact him again instead of 6 months it will be 8. He's being abusive and I don't like it. Perhaps I do need to change my attituted and I need to stop seeing it like if it's not now it won't be ever. That's the main thing that's upsetting him. That I won't be patient with him. But I'm scared. I don't want to loose him. I love him with all my heart and soul. I would do anything for him.

I will begin looking for a job and I will start my classes soon. I dropped my class for January because I didn't know where I would be. But now that I am home and he's agreed to continue paying half of the bills I will be ok with the kids.

Getting use to not having him at home with me will take me time. But I will have to manage. I will do as you suggest and not contact him about our relationship. I will keep my distance until he returns on his own. Like the saying says, if you love someone let them free, if they return then it was meant to be. I guess I'm just scared he will never return.

He tells me he yells and screams because it's his way of telling me to give him space. He's despreat and feels yelling is the only way he can shock me into listening to him. He told me to explain to him what I had understood. I told him he doesn't want to talk about us because he sounds like he hates me, doesn't want to know anything about me, and doesn't love me any more. He told me that's not right, he doesn't hate me, he just needs space. That it is actually the complete opposite. He says when I contact him, I'm disrespecting his wishes and he becomes upset.

I love him and I don't want to loose him. But I guess every minute of the day I loose him more and more.

[LolaL]

You might for a while. But if he is being abusive, that is not a good situation for you and your children.

Let him get himself together. If he can't love himself, he can't love you. Perhaps he needs to face this part of his life's journey by himself.

[colombianchick]

Thank you Lola for your words of wisdom and experience.