This is a more general question, but you can read my situation here sad story
So it's something that I brought up in my thread, but I was wondering about the take from other people.
My husband lied & cheated on me, felt guilty, told me, we separated, and I'm filing for divorce. We have 2 wonderful little girls. He doesn't want to divorce... it's a mess for everyone.
But what I was wondering was that in the short exchanges we have with each other, he sometimes acts that he's fine with the whole thing, understands why I can't be with him, etc. But after visiting their dad, my oldest daughter told me he's been crying and upset. This wkend, he sent me an email saying he was ok with everything, but that's not true. Bottom line:
HE'S STILL LYING TO ME.
I see advice here and other places that in these tough times, the person who is hurting more is told to disguise their feelings. Act like you don't hurt, or pretend that it doesn't upset you when you see the other person.
But it seems that if you were to do this, it's like the liar is pulling you down to their level, making you lie as well?
When my soon-to-be-ex asks if I'm doing ok, I tell him the truth. No, I'm very sad about it, but I'm also aware that I can't be married to someone who so easily lied to me.
In fact, that's why I married him, so I wouldn't have to lie and play games.
I get why people might lie about saying their happier than they are, so they can appear "strong" or "unconcerned" or whatever. But isn't that the whole point of being married to someone? That they know the REAL you, not the one that's desperately trying to act counter to how they feel.
So if someone pretends that they aren't sad or crying, even if you were to get back together, wouldn't you have somewhat sabotaged it by not being truthful?
The reason (in my opinion) that you and other WAW's can be so honest with your feelings is because you're the one with the power. WAW's have detached and don't care about the relationship anymore.
The LBS does still care and have no power to affect the situation.
The LBS and people in general do have dignity though and we don't wish to look pathetic to the ones we love. We've tried being "honest" about our feelings by begging and pleading about how we truly feel. We were soundly rejected, over and over. Nobody, especially our spouses, seem to find those attractive traits. Total strangers show us more regard.
So we put on our best face. We don't want to burden or guilt our spouses anymore. It's a cheeseless tunnel. We break down where we can feel safe, which is by ourselves.
You could be talking about different aspects of the stituation of a troubled marriage.
Many here would kill to be in your position, with a (formerly) straying spouse who is:
1) Remorseful, or at least showing signs of going in that direction 2) Wants to work on the M 3) Says he still has feelings for you 4) Bothers about the kids, does fathering stuff 5) (Probably) willing to really cut off any third parties 6) Honest enough to admit the A to start with
Not a few on here don't have a single one of those little points. They fight tooth and nail for even basic admission of A, and would probably consider sacrificing a limb or 2 to have their WAS actually care about them again.
In these situations, they have to try what works, because rationale, logic, and unconditional love will get them nowhere.
Being betrayed is no fun, I get that. But you're not the only one in pain. And you might be surprised how you could start feeling the day your H decides to stop pursuing you.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
I disagree I think that kniited h is feeling guilty about what he did and he is trying to lessen his own pain by being tough around her. He f'd up and cheated. I would not classify knitted as a WAW her husband cheated so what if she is the one to file for D. He cheated and he walked.
Knitted I don't think your husband is trying to make you stoop to his level maybe he is trying to win you back and he is on this site maybe he is feeling guilty. You don't know. And he may not tell you the truth right now for what ever reason. Let him deal with it.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
Are you for real? It is unbelievable how cold and blaming you are. You can see no good in anyone but yourself. Perhaps you have not heard, forgiveness is a virtue.
How is he lying to you? He has expressed remorse and regret and told you he wanted to work on the marriage. You told him no, his sins were not forgivable (your choice of course, we all have our "deal breakers" or limits). If you choose not to forgive him that is fine but why are you still harping on what he is or isn't doing? You have decided the marriage is over so what he does in your presence or in private should be of no concern to you. You certainly don't sound indifferent and your anger is telling.
It seems you want your H to grovel and beg and be broken forever while you pull the strings. He has made his feelings known about his desire to see if rebuilding is feasible and you have told him no. What else do you expect from him?
I understand being cheated on (the majority of here do) and it is a very, very painful thing. I don't think ANYBODY would argue that. If you need time then take time. If you are 110% done then file for the divorce and go be happy and let your husband rebuild his life. If you want to explore rebuilding the R with your husband (and to what capacity things can be rebuilt doesn't have to be defined in a day) then get in counseling and get to work.
He may or may not be lying. It seems he could say the sky is blue and you would say "nope, he is lying AGAIN 'cause today it looks kinda gray".
You are putting SO much focus on your H. What are you doing for you? How are you improving you? What steps are you taking to control your own life (which is all you can control)?
My advice? Spend less time tearing your H down and refocus ALL that energy on improving yourself. Married or divorced it is necessary.
So if someone pretends that they aren't sad or crying, even if you were to get back together, wouldn't you have somewhat sabotaged it by not being truthful?
It's not about acting like you're okay with it (nobody's okay with their marriage destroying right in front of them), it's focusing on yourself & trying to remain positive when you're going through a tough time, because it's hard as hell.
People should feel their feelings. If someone asks me how I feel about my M I say honestly, it sucks. It's not fun.
I very much doubt anyone on this board would tell their spuose, "Everything is rainbows and glitter! This is the greatest moment in my life! Can't wait to see you in court so we can divorce! YAY! Encore!"
Maybe he just doesnt want to make it harder for you? You have never hidden your disapointement just not to get someone upset/hurt or emotionally blackmail them to do what YOU want?
Why are you here? Is your husband reading and you are sending messages to him?
I dont understand. He is telling you he accepts your decision and you dont like that either?
I know the kind of bitterness you are feeling. I've been there, done that. And yes, for me too, him having sex with OW was/is the last thing on mind. The lying and the deceit were what hurt most. Some people can do it and get over infidelity. Some cant. You decided you will not. Perfectly fine with me. Still, I get the impression you are secretly hoping for some kind of another recation from him to...I dont know, change your mind, prove how "right" and justified you are?
One thing I can tell you from my experience: dont make any rush decisions while you are still in this mindset. Chances are, you will later on regret that you didnt give it another try granted you say you love him.
Is your C pro-marriage? Does he/she believe infidelity is a dealbreaker? Double check your motives, influences, environment, heart and mind. K
KS, I think that you are confusing the Big O with intimacy. Intimacy comes from connection - emotionally, spiritually, physically and intellectually. Intimacy does come from trust, spending time together, giving, love, sharing and touch.
Imagine how hard it must be for your husband to trust someone who is so rigid in believing that there can be no forgiveness for mistakes? Yes, there is a place for consequences. I am a firm believer in boundaries and transparency. It is very hard to feel loved if you know that you will be unforgiven and shunned for mistakes. Imagine if God held this belief?
My experience is that people who cannot forgive don't believe that anyone would love them enough to forgive them. Showing mercy, empathy and compassion are strong virtues and require a lot of self-love. It's hard to be secure enough in yourself to give that freely. "Love your neighbor as yourself." It's a powerful concept. You can't give away what you don't have. You can handle it.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
