feel like I am dying inside...

[BeABetterMe4Us]

So here goes my story...

My H and I relocated to OK from the NE a couple of years ago. He moved here, and I followed about 6 months later. It was going to be a chance for somethings we could achieve in the NE. Almost as soon as I arrived I became very depressed. It got to the point that I considered suicide. I felt I had nothing here and had given up my whole life. I did a great deal of blaming and made H's life horrible.

I finally saw what it was doing to us and got some help and treatment. I was deeply depressed and am now on medication and in therapy, and my H and I are in counseling. I waited way to long to get the help I needed, and therefore prolonged my loving husband's pain. It was no all about the move. I had lived here as a child and moving back brought back some very painful memories that had never been addressed before.

I know that I have caused my husband pain by taking my pain out on him and for that I am so very sorry. I was mean, angry, and unfair to him. I have told him that I am sorry and he says that he forgives me and that it will take time for him to trust me again, but that he can see that I am different and better.

Sadly, over the last couple of months (the time I have been getting better and that he says he has seen an improvement), he has had a relationship with a woman in the area. He has said that it is nothing more that "someone to talk to" and that he has discontinued the relationship, but I found a message from her on his phone over the New Year's weekend.

My husband and I had a great Christmas weekend together. It was warm and loving, and then when it was over, & my mind started racing and I did nothing but picture him with this woman, etc. I tried to talk to him about it, but it turned out badly. The OW message sounded like she was returning his call, but I don't know what to think at this point.

I asked him this morning if he wanted to be married to me (I know, not something I should have done - but is was almost as if I couldn't help myself). He answered yes, but seemed mad that I had asked. What I really wanted to ask was are you still communicating with the OW, but I didn't.

I am trying to be a better person for myself and for him and for us. I want to be his best friend again. I want to laugh and have fun together, but I can't get this person out of my mind.

When I ask my H what he wants from me he says he just wants me to "act normal".

He has not wanted to talk about the relationship with the OW. At first I pushed, but I am trying not to now.

What I want is our loving relationship back. We used to have a great sex life, fun together, and lots of laughing. I want that back more than anything. I love my H. He is the love of my life. I feel horrible for the last couple of years and the pain that I have caused him. I want him to know that I know that I did not lose everything moving here...because I still have him. But even when I try to tell him these things he seems to get angry at me.

I know that I am very codependent and I am currently reading Pia Mellody's Facing Codependence (omg, it is as if she knows my whole life - sadly) and I working to make the me better. However, I also want to save this marriage. The marriage and my husband and our happiness are all very important to me.

I guess I should also mention that H is an alcoholic. Our first ~4 years of marriage were very difficult. Then he got sober and mostly (he had a couple of slips) stayed that way until he moved to OK. He started drinking again before I moved down here (even his mother noticed when she spoke with him), but I honestly thought it was because he was lonely. Of course, because of me & my depression he continued to be lonely even once I got here. I would love to see him sober again...for his health and well being.

I love this man. I our marriage and want to get back the joy we once had. And I am trying to love myself a bit more...but it is hard.

I guess the bright spot is that I am over weight and have lost a great deal of weight since this all started, so that is good...

Of course I am also reading DR right now.

Any help that anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated. I really want to stop obsessing on the OW and trust my H again. Trust is what I need right now...and to feel close to him again. In my best dream he would turn and look at me and say "I love you, I want to be married to you, and I want to show you I love you again". I want to say these things to him to and show him that I love him, that I have changed and that I will keep changing for the better and focus me more (instead of him), so that I can be a better person for our marriage.

[kara]

(((BABM4U)))

Sorry that you are here, sweetie.

There's a lot going on in your sitch.

My first thought is to get yourself in a good place before you can work on your R. Your mentioned that your H is an alcoholic. Is he getting any help for this? Are you still on medication? Please recognise that you were ill and therefore did not deliberately set out to damage your M. So don't blame yourself for that .

The positives are that you are both in counselling and he says he still wants to be married to you. The OW is a complication but I think your first focus should be yourself. Have you discussed OW in your counselling sessions? Did you have a transparency plan re his not contacting her?

Others will be along to help.

[BeABetterMe4Us]

No, my H is not getting help for his addiction. He actually didn't the first time he stopped drinking. He went to AA a couple of times, but then said that the meetings made him want to drink more, so he just stopped on his own.

Yes, I am still on medication. And I do feel better. It is weird, as long as I am reading my books and looking at myself and my issues I feel better, but if I miss a couple of days I fall backward into my controlling-self. I know that me trying to control everything is one of his big issues with me so I am really trying hard NOT to do that and to realize that I can't control him, I can only control my behavior (OMG, it is like I need to tell myself that 24/7...will it ever get easier?).

There is no transparency plan for the OW issue. Honestly, I think he would see that as controlling too...maybe so do I, but it would make me feel better.

Sometimes I wonder if counseling is good or not. Things seem to get worse afterward. H is an introvert by nature and does not really open up that much in counseling.

Thanks for writing back. I feel very alone.

[kara]

You are not alone. Not as long as you come to this Board

How do you see yourself proceeding as long as he does not seek help for his problems? How do you view his addiction? You seem very concerned with working on yourself, as you should, but what about his behavior concerns you? You both have to get your needs met for this to work.

It is great that you are making progress in addressing your issues. I think you should feel very positive about that. Congratulations!!

[BeABetterMe4Us]

I am not sure that I feel very positive about anything. I am a mess. I feel like I am going to throw up 24/7.

I don't want to be like this. I want to be happy. I want to be in control of MYSELF! But I am not. My hands shake all the time. I feel physically ill.

When I ask him what his needs are he says he just wants me to be nice to him. I screwed up and was not nice (blaming him for my unhappiness) for so long...I certainly understand this need.

I want my life and marriage back.