Moving Foward

[Kemper]

I figured it was about time to start a new thread and also move over the the "We're Separated -- What Now?" forum.

Original Thread

Quick recap:

W dropped the bomb towards the end of Aug 09. Agreed immediately to MC which has been ineffective due to her unwillingness to work on the M based on a 3rd party being in the mix. I buried my head in the sand for to long time even though I had a very strong gut feeling that something was going on but didn't confirm it. We had multiple discussions about the 3rd party but of course she denied it the whole time. Based on a stong suspicion I confronted W and stated she needed to decide between OM and family. She stated they were just friends and wouldn't stop talking with him.

My fear was confirmed after Christmas and since then I have enaged my L and started drafting a separation agreement. By the end of next week we should have a move out agreement in place and thus provide her and myself with protection so she can move out. After that the legal separation will be finalized and we then wait a year until we can D.

I am not overly optimistic about the possiblity of reconcilation. I have dropped the rope and am moving forward with my life. While I do love my W I will not stay in a toxic relationship any longer. The choice is now hers to decide if she wants to work on this R/M in the future.

I will continue to be a strong role model to my boys and focus on improving my life and happiness.

[Kalni]

Hello Kemper and "welcome" here!

I dont know your sitch but I dont think I will be surprised when I read it. If you want to know how these As turn out, read about them. They dont stand great chances to survive. She is probably "high" right now,living in her little fantasy. When (if) you separate, she will get a clearer picture of what's happening. IMO, that is the crucial point and keep a close eye to "feel" what's happening.

Stay strong and focus on you and your little ones. Keep your PMA for now and do what's best for you, legally and emotionally.
K

[Kemper]

Thanks Kalni for stopping by.

I am sure that you won't be suprised by my sitch. It is basically a carbon copy of many others on this site which is sad.

I have been doing a ton of reading not only on the boards, but also books about relationships/marriage and additionally affairs. I am sure that she is "high" right now.

While I was scared of the separation at first I think this is best thing for my W and I. I hope that it does give her a clear picture and also a dose of reality.

I will remain strong and will continue to focus on the boys. I am protecting myself and my sons legally as is my wife so right now everything is really going through the lawyers.

I would love to read through your stich. Do you have a link to your latest one?

[Kemper]

I found your sitch Kalni. I will stop over there.

[Kalni]

Ohh please, dont try!!! I mean, 69 threads so far!

Joking aside, my story goes a follows:
Both tired and fed up by what we faced (raising kids, people in his family dying, moving, changing jobs etc etc)
H finds an OW (Ihave NO clue for a year, I first suspect something in May 2007)
Falls madly in love
Hates my guts is a textbook case of a cheating H
Moves out
I calm down
DB- good Dbing!
Never wants to D me
Stalls and asks for time
Says he wants back after a year separated
I agree although I am in love with someone else-we are still separated
Things dont feel right-people call me a WAW
I listen to my gut and put a keylogger on my PC in Jan 2009
August 6th 2009, a year almost into fake reconcil I find out the truth about her thru 1000 emails and pics
They had been together since Aug 2006-he was still going back and forth
She lost her appeal when she started making demands and then he started seeing the reality PLUS he sensed me leaving him
I go nuts with all the details I find
Push for D
He shows signs of real remorse
We are now piecing

All these years we spend time as family, never alone
We never have sex or any kind of intimacy
He treats me like...family (with a 5 month distance when he left that he was high)
He never went public with her
Didnt want to move in with her

Maybe it is worth reading my first post. I dont know. It's not over till its over, you know?
K

[Kemper]

I made it through thread 69. However, thank you so much for the cliff notes provided above.

Based on thread 69 things appear to be moving in the right direction. I am sure it is slower than you want but it appears positive. I understand the feeling of talking to a wall.

What happens when you don't bring up issues/concerns? Does he then try to talk about things? I know that in my R/M I was always the one to talk about issues/concerns while my W was always the one to keep things to herself. It was/is extrememly frustrating and at this time I am acting "as if" and not talking about anything with her. This hasn't caused her to bring anything up but I know that is because she has someone on the side that is providing for her needs.

Keep your head high. You have been going at this for awhile and show strength and honor in continuing to fight for you R/M.

[nikblondiew]

Kemper,

I'm sorry to see you here, where I am too. I couldn't agree more with this statement:

While I do love my W I will not stay in a toxic relationship any longer.

This is exactly where I am at!!! It's a tough place to be. But I realize it's what needs to happen. It tough because my H is extremely depressed. Not being able to go to work, get out of bed, constantly saying he hates his life doesn't see it getting better anytime soon, he is drinking again (been through treatment twice already) turns 30 on Thursday. So young to be so troubled - sad. But this is very hard. I'm almost done with child support paperwork and will be filing that soon.

I'm with you.....trying to stay healthy mentally and being there for your children. I only have one, he's 2.5 so he asks plenty of hard questions even at that young age.

I"m here for you Kemper at anytime. [e-mail]
I understand what you're going through......

[Kemper]

Hey Nikblondiew,

It is a tough place to be but I find myself getting stronger and stronger as the days go by. I am sorry to hear about your H's depression. Has he sought help for it? If he is taking AD meds the drinking isn't going to help. The sad thing is as much as we would like someone to do the right thing (get help, etc) we can only control ourselves.

My L informed my W's L that I am convinced of her having an A. My W's L maintained that my W still insists she is not. However, this is probably legal maneuvers since my W will not get alimony due to the A.

It is sad to see my W the way she is now, controlled by the effects of brain chemicals due to the A. Tearing a family apart due to the A and not putting effort into working on the R/M. It is her choice and she will have to deal with the consequences of her actions in the future.

I feel so much better in the current situation, yes it still sucks, but there are some positives. My W was eating cake and now due to the lawyers being involved I now have more input on what happens with my boys.

We should have a move out agreement done next week with the separation agreement right behind it. Still a scary place to be but it is much, much healthier.

Let me know how I can help Nikblondiew, even if it is just to listen. I know what you mean about the hard questions from children. I have been fortunate to this point as my boys seem to be happy and healthy. I am not looking forward to the discussion about W moving out and the impact on them. I know they don't see it coming and I wish I could take any hurt or pain away from them but I know I can't. I will be there for my boys and provide consistent love, guidance, and support.

[Kemper]

Nothing much to report. My W and I have basically been ignoring each other while we are together in the house. I spent my free time playing with my sons and getting paperwork together for the L.

I went out with a friend the other night and he basically told me to look into my W having an A. I guess he and his W have has very, very strong suspicions based on things my W said to his W. I asked him why he didn't tell me sooner and he said that they didn't want to get in the middle of what was going on. He also said that he had hoped it would work itself out. I thanked him for at least coming forward now and he said better late than never. He also said that my W is going to have a rude awaking once she moves out and has to start fending for herself. Hopefully this is the dose of reality she needs.

The problem is at this point I am really questioning if I would take her back. I guess that is a good thing to ask but scary at the same time.

I found it interesting that my W scheduled an IC appt next week. Not reading into it but still interesting none the less. She is the type of person that doesn't have anything wrong with her and would always say during MC that the issues with the R/M were mine. Hopefully she'll get something out of going.

Tomorrow starts another week in the count down to my W moving out.

[nikblondiew]

I really struggled with anger yesterday. H goes a week without seeing our son then expects to have us drop everything. Angry that I have to share my son. Furious actually! It's hard on me and even tougher on him. He just gets to be fun dad....
His selfishness drives me insane. Yesterday I was so angry it took everything in me to not lash out at him. Instead I went to the gym....channeled my frustration there.