I will try to abbreviate what has happened. Over a year ago I began seeing some major personality changes in my husband. He started spending hours in the basement playing xbox. His behavior was causing huge fights between us until finally he moved out. He hardly took anything when he left and has not taken anything since. He has nothing to do with his old friends or any of the things he used to love. He is still doing what he always did which is work all the time (he has a very high powered and stressful job) and plays xbox. When he does go out it is with these young partiers. This is not my husband. He used to love being around people and now he keeps himself isolated most of the time and is having problems at work. He helps with nothing at home!!
The only time I see him is when he comes to pick up my D11 and many times he will linger and I know it is to be around me. I feel like he wants to be near me but is almost trying to fight off that desire. Recently there are times when he is affectionate but still will not go on a date or call to check on me. He does say he still loves me and always will.
He filed but only because he thought I was going to and because he said "I wasn't taking this serious enough"??? I have lost twenty poinds!! I am not sure he wants to be divorced. One day he said, "how can I begin to work on us when I am so messed up". I have noticed that if I even mention the relationship he goes for the door. Everything has to stay light and pleasant. But it kills me when he is affectionate then goes and does "whatever" with no responsibility for anything in our lives.
There have been times when I have backed way off and I have gotten two reactions from him, he either backs off too or comes forward a little in a negative "how can you do this to me" kind of way. When I have tried to come forward a little he seems to too but then I feel used!! So is it possible to detach and go dark while still being loving??? Since he said he never felt loved or accepted by me then going dark seems like a mistake. I also don't think he wants to lose me so maybe finally not having me around will make him think! It is possible to lovingly detach and go dark? I hate seeing him like this but I also hate how he treats me!!
Please, Please help me. I love him and I am confused, tired and need someone to talk to me that understands!!
PS. I am almost positive he is not having an affair. I have done A LOT of checking since that would be it for me!!!
Just wanted to say that I am sorry you find yourself here and that it's always a tough time, early on.
The DB C had suggested to me that you think about being bright when you do see him, cheerful and happy, but dark in terms of not contacting him or initiating contact. Be friendly when you see him, but end things first?
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
S Welcome to the forum You will learn a lot here Your H sounds so much like mine in the beginning read the resources for MLC- there is a link here on this site books: jim and Sally conway wrote a few on MLC read other posters..the stories are similar Our H seem to follow a script they change unbelievably before our eyes they have affairs when they were loyal all along they spend everthing they have, where once they were conservative Many become terrible fathers, some become disney dads some abandon kids toitaaaly where once were good and dedicated fathers It is verty hard to understand there are NO answers to why some say this MLC is due to childhhod issues that are unresolved at this point the MLCer will revert back to a time in teenage years to finish they usually pick affair parntners that are less than desirable as far as moral values watch the money if you have any accounts with H I would immeiately seperate all money credit cards ecr. they get secret credit cards..some we may be liable for now off of him for us we can seek therapay this is a painful journey for us we have to heal grienve the Relationship and move forward even if H returns later we have to heal ourslves for now usually this is a process of years the mlc may take 2-7 years during this time we can evaluate oursleves we can look at the M we can take reaponsibility for our part of the failure not to beat ourselves up but to learn the crises was NOT our fault but we may have some areas that will need cahnging if H does return we can let our H see the cahnges it is hard be upbeat around him validate listen to him no complaining to him no crying begging practice being upbeat for him and in other aras yes it is heard now while you are in so much pain but later the pain eases and you will be left with a powerful gift of joy over time I can tell you this some H return some nwever return but many LBS like us become happy, fulfilled with a great sense of well being many of our R become better with family and everone many of us gained carreers thru the crises many miove on to sucessful new R I know that isnt what you want now but many gain themselves back something that is priceless keep posting peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I can't thank you enough for responding. You offer such great insight and compassion!! When you talk and when I read some of the threads it lets me know that someone does understands me and what I am going through!!! Friends and family can't begin to get it. They just say to dump the guy without realizing all that it entails.
I really believe my husband loves me (he still tells me and our friends that he does)and I also believe he truly thinks I never did love him. So backing off but letting him know he is loved seems to be helpful for him to come forward. And reading this forum has made this process so much easier.
Before I was so mad and tired of him treating me like crap. I now understand that he is in such a bad place that he doesn't even realize what a mess he is making of his life. Knowing this helps me to back off, give him his space and find a new place for me without so much anger and pain. I am a person that needs to have understanding. Since this all started a year ago I felt like I was in a surreal world and I couldn't see up from down. Black wasn't black anymore and white wasn't white if you know what I mean. But now I can give him grace and love with boundaries and let go of the hurt and anger.
I know this might not end how I would like but at least I know what I am dealing with and what I need to do for me which in turn might help him!
Thanks again for letting me share. I do have one more question. Which book best explains the 180 process? I am confused about exactly how to do this. And please give me any other advice you think might be helpful for someone just beginning to understand the MLC path they are on!!
Chapter 6 in the Divore Remedy describes 'doing a 180'..there was a forum on it as well. Its about knowing what you usually do in a situation(and that behavior isn't working or getting you the response you are wanting)and catching yourself and doing the opposite.
If you haven't read Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting..thats a great place to start.
Read, educate yourself, post here-you'll find alot of great support and advice/experience.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
